Claudia's Black Friday

So first I cut the power

Because most of those people
Forgot to bring glow sticks
Which is their problem

It's not my problem
It's THEIR problem

Then I did the tear gas
Because of those people
Thought nobody would think to bring tear gas this year
Which is their problem

It's THEIR problem

Once everybody was crying
And retching
And screaming for help

That's when I went in

First, I hit the toy department
Because that's Red Zone
And I like to do my Red Zone first

Might as well start the day with some blood on your hands
Because they're going to be bloody by the end of the day anyway

Now, they were selling Terrific Tina
For half off
And I knew right away
That they were only going to put up four Terrific Tina dolls
And that I had to have one of them

Do you know how many people in that store
Were there for a Terrific Tina doll?

A lot, that's how many
A LOT of people
All wanting Terrific Tina

But that Terrific little bitch was mine
Believe me, she was coming home with me

Soon as I grabbed for her
I felt a hand on the back of my head
Going to pull my hair

Which is fine
Because I was wearing my steak knife wig

Soon as you touch my head

BANG!

Steak knife to the hand

Don't ask me how it works
I don't care HOW
As long as it works
And it WORKED

Somebody missing a hand now?

That isn't my problem
That's THEIR problem

So I got Terrific Tina
And blood on my hands
And a lot of other places
And I head to bedding
Because I want some new pillows
And I want 'em HALF OFF

That's when I encounter a little problem
I like to call--

CHEAP BITCHES

Now me? I like a sale
I'm not CHEAP
I'm just taking advantage
Of a little Black Friday action

If I show you a twenty
Are you going to take it?
Hell yeah, you're going to take it

Are you going to punch me in the face and take it?
Of course you are!
How else are you going to get it?

But I'm not CHEAP
I am FRUGAL

But in the pillow aisle
That's where you're going to meet
The CHEAP BITCHES

In their Hazmat suits
Because though they're cheap
They're not stupid

They knew I was coming with tear gas
And steak knives and hand grenades
And a couple of rabid hamsters
Tucked away in Tupperware containers
In my purse, just waiting to go

They try grabbing some pillows
And running from me
Thinking maybe they'll get lucky
And I won't want THOSE pillows

Well guess what?

How do I know I don't want THOSE pillows
Unless I look at THOSE pillows?

Maybe I want the option
And if I want the option
And they took THOSE pillows
And I have to toss a hand grenade
Into the sheets aisle
To slow them down

Then that's not MY problem
That's THEIR problem

I like to finish my day

-- Where else? --

In hardware

Not because I need tools
Just because I like holding blunt objects
And making people nervous

I did pick up a glue gun though
Because in two weeks
I'm coming back to do my Christmas shopping
And I plan on being the only bitch in here
Who's not getting stuck
In aisle four

Thank

You