That Other Silence

-- I've never written about this before, but I think I have to --

"That Other Silence"

You remember wanting to fill it
Wanting to fill it with strong arguments
With laughter that knows no depth
With broken tirades and anecdotes
About vacation disasters
And family mishaps

You remember thinking it can't
It just can't be filled

You remember those car rides
Without the music on
Where you wind up home
And you sit there
Wondering how you got there
How you got home

Did you want to go home?
Maybe you did

Does it matter?
Maybe it doesn't matter

Maybe it's okay
Maybe you should just go inside

Maybe, maybe, maybe

You remember someone saying seek help
Seek help because you should
Because it's fine
Because nobody will judge you

But you're not
You're not fine
It's not fine
It's very much not fine

And you have to beat it on your own
In order to secure the confidence you need
That you are indeed one with your body
With your mind
With everything that goes on inside it
That it's not out of range somewhere
Waiting to run away from you

And it's so not sexy
They don't say that
But you remember that

You remember how desperately you wanted to be handsome
To be striking
To be sexy

Smart, you can be
You can be this and smart
Some people say
They're one and the same

But sexy you can't be
You can't be this and sexy
That's what you remember

Feeling wholly and totally unsexy
Because of your unsexy mind
Because sexy is light
It's air and nature

And your mind is heavy
It's so heavy
And it's not nature
It's not natural
It's not light
It's loaded down and dark
Like the dark on the highway
When there's no other cars
And you remember thinking
There used to be more light

There used to be light here
Or was it just the cars?

Do you need the cars
For the light?

And you're alone
And you're alone
And you're alone

You remember thinking
Nobody ever told you
That the voices you hear
Will be your own

That's why they're scary
Because they're your voice
They're not anybody else's

And they're convincing
The voices you hear
They have legal degrees
They're rational
They're so poised
And ready with their paperwork

They talk up all these awful ideas
Until you find yourself nodding
Nodding right along with them
Like you're starting to learn
The words to the song
They're singing

You remember feeling short of breath
Remember that?
Remember feeling like you have no breath?
Like you have no voice?
Like you have no impact?
Like it's pointless?

Like it's pointless?
Like it's--what's the point?
All the time
Constantly

Constantly

Constantly

You remember spending years
Building up all these fancy statues
Telling yourself they're nice
That they're an accomplishment
That they say you are somebody
That you are somebody

Then you take a hammer
And you smash them
And you smash them completely
Totally annihilate them

Did that do any good?
Did it?

No, no it didn't

But you couldn't look
You couldn't look at them
Anymore

You remember that other silence
You remember that slow, soft creep
Into a stone dead absence of sound

Not just a silence
But an other silence
A silence where sound's not there
But it ain't coming there anytime soon either

That kind of silence

A potentially permanent silence

That, you know that?
That's what I mean

Even the voice that sounds like yours
Won't go near that silence

It's like a lion looking at a t-rex
It knows when it's been beat
But it's been beat by something deadlier

The Jabberwocky Silence

Capital letters for every word

You remember sitting there
With that Other Silence
And waiting for the door to open
Waiting for someone to come in
And tell that Other Silence to go away

To make some noise
To bang some pots
To play some music
To break some glasses
To destroy the absence

Sitting there with you

But nobody does

You remember seeing a place
A place where you could put that silence
Where you could set it down
And leave it

Slowly backing away
Hoping it would stay there
Hoping it would like it there
Hoping it wouldn't move

You remember putting it there
And walking away
Knowing it was still there
That it was yours
That you were its owner

The owner of a black hole
Of a mythic city
Of an Other Silence

And you didn't look back
Did you?

Did you?

...Did you?