A Lousy Father and a Perfect Husband

He was a lousy father

And a perfect husband

I’m not saying he beat the kids

Although he wanted to beat them

I know that for sure

Now I don’t know how big of a difference there is

Between a father who beats their children

And a father who wants to beat their children

But I’m just letting you know

In case you’re wondering if he beat them

He didn’t beat them

But he was a lousy father

All the same

Now, my father beat me

But he was a pretty good dad

Aside from that

Isn’t that funny?

That a father who beats his kids

Can still be a good father otherwise

And a dad who doesn’t beat his kids

Can be so fucking awful?

Isn’t that just crazy?

My father was a bad husband

Horrible

My mother died a sad, sad woman

And he beat me

And my brother

Not my other brother though

No idea why

Maybe he thought my two brothers

Were the same kid

They did look kind of alike

Either way, only two of us got beat

But we got beat enough for three kids

And even then

We had a pretty good childhood

But my mother had a godawful

Fucking life

Now I have a great life

But my kids?

My kids are suffering

They know their father hates them

And he knows they know

He hates them

And I’m just walking around like--

Hey, does anybody want to watch a Disney movie

And eat some popcorn?

And they all just look at me

Like I’m the dumbest fucker

That ever walked the face of the earth

Like I don’t know

They all hate each other

I know it

But what the hell am I supposed to do?

Build a gladiator cage

And let they all

Kill each other?

I’m the mother of this damn family

The matriarch

I’m supposed to keep shit together

But a little part of me--

Okay, I’ll be honest

I’ll be honest now

A little part of me wonders

If a man can be a good husband

And a good father

No, that’s not true

Sorry

Sorry about that

I’m not--

I wonder if a man can be both

I wonder if a man can be great at both

Because, oh lord

He’s a great husband

He’s as good at being a husband

As he is bad at being a father

And--and--

And maybe that’s...connected?

Maybe it’s all tied together

And maybe I don’t want to…

Untie it

I know it’s selfish

But--but--

But there’s no guarantee

He’d be a good father to the kids

Even if he was a lousy husband to me

So…

So why not just…

Leave things the way they are?

One day the kids will have their own spouses

And their own kids

And maybe their kids will love them

And maybe they won’t

But if they have the choice--

If they have the choice

I hope they’d make the same choice

I’m making

But…

But

Isn’t that what every parent hopes?

I mean--

Isn’t that what we’re all

Hoping for?