Harry Honks His Horn

Harry has lost his horn

He hasn't really lost it
It's still there

Staring at him

Begging to be pushed

But he has been told
By his therapist
That he has to relinquish
His horn

Why, he asked

Why can't I honk?

Because, she--Dr. Thomas--said, Because

Because
Because
Because

You have to find better ways

Better
Yes
Better
Yes
Better

--ways of controlling your anger

But the horn was put there
For anger

It was put on a car
To express rage
At the constant barrage of stupidity
That pervades roads and highways
And other transport areas

There is no other purpose for a horn
Than to alert stupid people
That they are stupid
And should immediately cease being stupid
At least temporarily
So as not to cause a collision

But still, Dr. Thomas--

Bitch
Bitch
Bitch

--says 'No'

No horn
No honking
No hollering out the car window either

In case Harry were to get clever

He was only allowed to breathe
And recite the alphabet
Until he'd calmed down

That must have been how he wound up hyperventilating
While sitting in rush hour traffic
Making up alphabet letters
And drifting into a fog
Of suppressed fury

He saw his father
Who taught him to drive

His father would slam his hand on the horn
From the passenger seat
Scaring Harry
Because most of the time
He wouldn't even know
Why his father was honking

'GODDAMN FUCKING PRICKS IN THE CARPOOL LANE AREN'T EVEN FUCKING CARPOOLING!'

Honk
Honk
Honk

His father didn't just honk in the car

He honked at the dinner table
By slamming his hands down
On the sides of his plate

Making the mashed potatoes
Leap into the air

'STOP PLAYING AROUND WITH YOUR FUCKING FOOD, HARRY! I'LL PUT YOUR FUCKING NOSE OUT IN THOSE PEAS!'

He honked his horn
Out in the backyard
When Harry was mowing the lawn

By stomping his foot
Down into the grass
Making an indentation
Where nothing would grow
Ever again

'YOU'RE DOING A FUCKING TIC TAC TOE JOB, HARRY! OUR FUCKING GRASS LOOKS LIKE THE GODDAMN HOLLYWOOD SQUARES!'

He honked his horn
The day he died

Ripping the IV out of his arm
And punching the call button
Next to his hospital bed

'THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR HAVING A FUCKING NURSE DOESN'T EVEN SPEAK GODDAMN ENGLISH'

Harry loved his father

He loved him
And he didn't care
That he honked

To him
That was Dad

That was just Dad

. . . . .

Now here he was in traffic
Close to being divorced
Because his wife was not his mother
And would not stand
For jumping mashed potatoes
At her dinner table

His children wouldn't speak to him
They did not love his honking
And they did not love him
And they were both mere years away
From college, which meant leaving home
Which meant if he didn't want to die
Alone in a hospital room
He would have to learn to go without his horn

It wasn't fair

His father got to be a horn-honking asshole
Who left this earth with a loyal family by his side
And a plaque from the company he worked for
Praising him for good customer service

While Harry was only half the asshole his father was
But was somehow given a fate much, much worse

Sins of the father was expected
But why did a father's good fortune
Never seem to go past the father?

Harry stared at his horn

He stared at it
Wanting it
Needing it
Desiring it

Like an oasis full of naked women
He wanted to dive into that horn
And spread out a loud obnoxious sound
So strong in volume
It would spread across space and time
And reach his father
Somewhere on another plane somewhere

But instead he got out his phone
Feeling fine about it
Since he was hardly driving
But rather
Ambling
An inch or two forward
Every two hours

He called his wife
And told her
That he couldn't do it

He couldn't go without his horn

And she told him he could
Because when they got married
He used to whisper
Better than any man
She ever met

He whispered love to her
While they danced their first dance
After being man and wife

And he whispered promises to their children
Late at night
When they'd wake up crying

And he whispered to her
When his dad died
That he loved him
Even though he shouldn't

She told him he didn't need his horn
And he only started using it
Once his dad died
And now he needed to stop
And learn to whisper again

And so he whispered

He whispered that he was mad
He was so mad and he didn't know why
And he was scared of being alone and quiet
With all that anger

And his wife

His wife
His wife
His wife

She told him to scream

She said, 'Scream then, Harry. Go ahead and scream.'

But when he went to scream
He found he had no voice

He had no breath
He had no noise
He had no right

So he just sat there
And listened to his wife say--

'I'm here Harry'

Here
Harry
I'm here

And he took a deep breath

'I can hear you, Harry. I can hear you. You're okay'

And his head fell down lightly
Right against the horn

Barely making a sound

Brooke, Holding John

Her mother leaves the room
So she can be alone with him

Little John

That's what she names him in her head
But who knows what name he'll have now

Maybe he'll be named Isaac now

Now that she's giving him away

The couple that's adopting him
Is from Arapapho
Which is so far away
From where Brooke lives
There's absolutely no chance
She'll run into them or John or Isaac
Unless they want her to

Her mother told her she was lucky
Because she gave birth in June

Plenty of time to recover
And be back at school in September
Nobody thinking anything of it

She was forbidden to say anything at school
Forced instead to hide behind over-sized clothing
And tell everyone she had a thyroid problem

As for Jay, Uncle Chris and Aunt T were 'dealing' with him

That's what her mom said

'He's being dealt with'

Brooke asked if he was going to go to jail
And her Mom said 'No'

'Jesus, Brooke, you don't have to be a drama queen about it.'
'I want him arrested.'
'No, you don't. And he wouldn't be arrested anyway. It'd be his word against yours, and anyway, it's a family matter.'
'He's not my family. He's a pig.'
'Yeah, well, don't throw stones, honey. You got enough too-short shorts in your closet now, don't you?'

It was no use

At least they were letting her give up John
Instead of keeping him, like she wanted to do
When she first found out

She thought maybe he was the reason
The whole thing happened

So many people she knew
Said they were glad they got married
Or had sex or whatever
Because they got their kid out of it

Brooke thought that's how it was going to be
For her and John

But then her mother told her
That if she kept him
Jay was going to want to see him
So Brooke said she'd let him go

She wasn't involved too much
In meeting the couple

They wanted her to be
But she said they could deal with her mom

Her mom was better
At handling stuff like that

All throughout the school yeah
Everybody wanted to know
Why Brooke was being so quiet
When the year before she'd been so light

Brooke wondered too

She used to have dreams about flying
Hovering, just staying above the ground
Forever and ever

Now she only dreamed of falling
Deeper and deeper
Until she hit the bed

. . . . .

The first time she saw John
She thought it was a mistake

He couldn't really be hers
He was too perfect

A beautiful mixture
Of new and wise

When they let her hold him
She could feel him gel to her
Try to morph himself
Back into her body

And she forced herself to stop him
To keep him warm but keep him apart
Until she could give him to his real mom

When a baby's born
There's all this noise
And then there's not

Brooke looked around
And didn't see anybody
Except her mom

And when she left the room
Brooke held John and told him twenty secrets

Everything he'd need to know
For the rest of his life

She told him when he stopped remembering the last secret
She'd find him and remind him
All of what they were

She knew he couldn't see her
So she told him what she looked like
And she described the woman
She'd be giving him to

Long brown hair, straight nose
Pretty red fingernails
And a warm smile

He reminded her of a new light bulb
The first time you put it in
And turn it on

It was really something

. . . . .

Outside, her mother told the new parents
She'd have the doctor
Get the baby from Brooke
In a minute or two

Then she walked back to window
And looked at her daughter
Holding her grandson

She wanted to light up a cigarette
And say a prayer

But instead she just watched her daughter
Stare down at that little boy
Like he was going to do magic

What was magic was watching Brooke
Be a better mother in five minutes
Then her mother had been to her
In her entire life

Faced with the magnitude of what her daughter
Was about to do for her son
Brooke's mother turned around
And sat down underneath the window
Letting some invisible force punch her in the stomach
Over and over again
Whipping air out of her lungs

And inside Brooke held John
And said good-bye
And said good-bye
And said good-bye

The Dog Will Get You Back

Stacey, I'm going to let you
Keep the dog

Because we did, in fact
Get the dog together
As a couple

A loving couple
Who loved each other
And loved dogs
And wanted to have one big
Dog-loving, happy family

And although I've protested
Many, many times
That the dog likes me better

I would now like you
To keep it

Because I am more than confident
That if I leave that dog with you

It will royally fuck up your life

Let's face it

That dog hates you

It hates your guts

We talk about it sometimes

Well, I talk about it
And Snicker listens

I tell her that she should love you
Because you're not a bad person
Just a confused person
Who likes ruining other people's lives

And she listens to what I have to say
And then vigorously shakes her head
As if to say--

'Nope. I'm not buying it. Stacey's evil.'

And after awhile
I started thinking about it

Hmm, I thought, maybe Snickers is right
Maybe Stacey is evil

Well, of course
I couldn't leave her with you
After realizing
Who you truly were

So I said to Snickers

'Snickers,' I said, 'I'm going to take you with me.'

But as soon as I said that
She ran over to the bookshelf
And--

So help me God
This really happened

--Pawed at one of the books

And when I pulled it out

Do you know what it was?

The Bible

Good vs. Evil
God vs. The Devil
Jonah vs. The Whale

(The dog being Jonah, you being the Whale)

The dog was telling me
To leave her behind
So she could thwart you
From destroying the life
Of another man

I didn't want to do it

I begged her

I said 'Please Snickers, come with me. I'm getting an apartment on the East Side, right next to a dog park and a bacon store!'

Okay, I lied about the bacon store
But I was trying to save our dog
From martyring herself

But she didn't want to hear it

She said that everyone was put on this earth for a purpose
And her purpose is to chew up your shoes
And piss on any scumbag you deem worthy
Of entering what used to be our home

Again, she didn't say this
So much as it implied it
By licking certain parts of herself
And then running around in a circle

So I'm leaving her here, Stacey

I'll miss her
But she's made her choice
As you have made yours

Before I left
I noticed her laying next to my side of the bed
Gnawing on one of my sneakers
And whimpering

God help you, Stacey

God help you

Isabella's Fifteen Minutes

There are certain things
About being a celebrity
That I do not enjoy

For one thing
The fourth grade boys
Keep wanting to date me
Despite the fact
That I'm not interested
In older men

And have made that clear
On several occasions

Then there's all the questions

People want to know things about me
And what I think about things

The other day, Faith asked me
What I thought of Christina Marks
Kissing another girl

And I told her
That when you're a girl
And you're famous
You have to kiss
At least one other girl a week
Or nobody will pay attention to you

Tony! Could you get me a hot chocolate?

Thank you, darling

That's Tony Mars

He's my new boyfriend

All the other girls wanted him
To be their boyfriend
Because he's in a wheelchair
And that means he's a tortured soul

But I got him
Because, like him
I'm misunderstood

Sometimes we just sit around
And act sad together

It's super romantic

Now look, I'm sure you want to hear
All about how I became famous
But to be honest, I tell this story
Like, eight times a day

Plus it was in the school newspaper

So I'll give you the alleviated version
Which is the version that doesn't hurt as much
As the long one

Basically, a gorilla that escaped from the local zoo
Somehow wound up in my backyard
And the local news came and did a story about it
And I got to be on the television

It was the top story
On the eleven o'clock news

I was an overnight sensation
And I didn't even know about it
Because I have to be in bed by nine

When I woke up the next day
Everything had changed

Holly, this girl in my class
Says that my fame was given to me unfairly
Because some stupid gorilla walked into my backyard

But I told her that she's just jealous
Because it'd take two zebras and a giraffe
For anybody to put her ugly face on television

Besides, if I didn't have star quality to begin with
My fame would have faded
Just like how my friend Alvaro's fame faded

For two whole days, he was the coolest kid in school
Because he figured out how to shoot grape juice
From his eyeballs

Then Mrs. Brugel forbid him from doing it anymore
And his fifteen minutes were up

Gabriel the janitor taught me that

That everybody gets fifteen minutes
Where they get to be a star

But Gabriel said that those fifteen minutes are relative
Meaning each of the minutes is the other minute's mothers
Or brothers or aunts or something

And it means you can probably get more than fifteen minutes
If you know what to do

And I know what to do
Believe me

When Gabriel disappeared
I came forward
And gave the school newspaper an interview
Where I gave my thoughts
About what had happened to Gabriel

I told them that, like me
He had been the victim
Of the spotlight's glare

And so he had to retreat to a secluded place
Far off the boundaries of the world--

Montana

I didn't know where Montana was exactly
I just overheard about it in geography
When I was waking up from my catnap

I wasn't sure that's where Gabriel went
But what did it matter?

It was my opinion
And I'm famous
And that means my opinion is the best
Which means he probably WAS in Montana!

Being famous is sort of like being a textbook
If you say something's true
Then it has to be true
Just because you say it is

It's magical!

Then Mrs. Brugel told us what ACTUALLY happened
With Gabriel
And it wasn't nearly as exciting
As thinking of him
Fending for himself
In the mysterious realm of Montana

And everybody got mad at me
Because apparently
When you say something that's not true
You're lying!

Even if you're still on minute thirteen!

I didn't understand at all

Gabriel once told me
That people love to put you on a podium
When you're famous
And then watch you fall off

I, however, was pushed off the back of the slide
During recess

By Holly, of course

Knowing I was no longer at the top of the food chain
I went to the zoo to see their food chain exhibit
To try and figure out who I'd have to eat
To get back up to the top

While my Mom went off to find a wine vendor
I found myself in front of the gorilla cage

And there she was--Tammy Wynette

The gorilla who made me a star

At that moment, I knew that it wasn't star quality
That had sent me soaring into superstardom

It was Tammy

I was just tanning in the tanning bed
Of her fame

As I watched her pick bugs
Off what I'm guessing is her husband

I remembered the last thing
Gabriel the Janitor ever said to me

I asked him if he was ever famous
And he said--

'When you're good to the people who love you, you're famous every day.'

I guess I wasn't always good
To my friends
To the people who liked me
Even before I was Isabella the Inter-school Sensation

So the next day
When I went into school
I stuck gum in Holly's hair
And yelled out--

'I'm back everybody! Good old, quiet, shy Isabella is back'

And even though there wasn't any cheering
And even though there wasn't any applause
And even though only two other kids were in the room

That day at lunch
Tony Mars let me eat the candy bar
His Mom packed for him
And Alvaro told me a new joke

And Gabriel was right

I felt like I was back in those fifteen minutes
And it felt like they were going to go on
Forever

Sweat and Tears

She exercises twice a day
Each time anticipating the release
Like a man must anticipate masturbating

She knows when she goes
She'll get on the bike
And soon no one will know
That she's letting it out

The sweat will erupt out of her
Like fire hydrant water
And she'll be able to let out
The other stuff

The other stuff is the reason
She comes here

She doesn't mind the two hours a day
It soaks up

Because it soaks up something else too

The aching body is worth it
When compared to the breaking point she reaches
When she tries telling herself
That she can skip the gym today

Soon she's looking at cupcakes
And degrading herself

Baking herself muffins
And derailing herself

Failing at failing to feel normal
Until she finally breaks down
And heads to the gym

And for this, she's rewarded

She's lauded
She's praised

For keeping her body
In such good shape

And nobody worries about the frame of mind it takes
To spend so much time isolated
Pushing your body until it almost breaks

After awhile she's cried out
And dried off
And off and running
Gunning home
So she can make
A protein shake
All insane thoughts of baking muffins
Stuffed away in some cupboard
With the mix

These are the only tricks she knows
And no one else knows that they're tricks

Mix the sweat with the tears
And the tears with the sweat

Dry them all off together
And no one knows one
From the other

Not even her

A One-Way Reminder

See that bookcase?

Does that remind you of me?

It reminds me of you

How we spent eight Sunday afternoons
Attempting to put it together
Finally giving up
And saying we were okay
With a half-completed bookcase

We said that when a book falls off
That's how you know
It's time to read it

We laughed about it
We laughed a lot

But does it remind you of me?

Or is it a one-way reminder?

Does Tarragon Street remind you of me?
Of our first apartment
Or our last argument
The rent that never got paid
Or how many times our neighbors got laid
While we listened giggling
Like kids

Does Halloween make you think of me
With my football jersey
Hanging off
My rather slender frame

Do board games and rain storms
And college dorms
And college kids
And purple birthday cake frosting
And bad baked brownies
And half-baked brownies
And dinners at restaurants on piers
And Alaskan King Crab
And slabs of ice falling off porches
And torch songs in empty hotel ballrooms
And beauty...

Does all that remind you of me?

Or is it just me

All one-way reminders

Reminding me
That I should be
Free and clear
From all the dear things
That are sincerely preventing me
From being something other
Than a memory holder

Could that be?

Or are there still things out there
That remind you of me?

I Should Have Kept My Secrets

I should have kept
My secrets

I should have told them to myself
Over and over again
And never to you

I should have never left them
Delivered them
Dropped them off
Like letters in a mailbox

To you

I should have carefully hidden them
Underneath the wallpaper
Plastered lightly
Peppered throughout conversations

Delicately left
In places you could see
Seeing as how
You'd never believe
I'd leave my secrets
Lying around
So carelessly

I should have put them on
Below my street clothes
And danced with them on
And flirted with them on
And made love with them on

If I knew you'd be gone
I'd have died with them on

But instead I handed them to you
To see what you would do with them

And now it's done
And I've run out of secrets

I didn't know I hid myself
In those secrets

I thought when you fall in love
You're supposed to hand over
The keys to the places
Where you keep
What you believe in

But I shouldn't have
I shouldn't have

I should have kept
My secrets

At least then
I'd still have something
That belongs
To me

Tony Mars and the Girlfriends

My name is Tony Mars
And I am irresistible

I'm also in a wheelchair
Which is pretty obvious

I'm not planning on talking about
Being in a wheelchair

So if that's what you were hoping for
I guess you're going to have to go listen
To somebody else

I'm here to talk about being bewitching

That's a word my friend Faith taught me
She learned it from her father's Word-a-Day calendar

Faith is in love with me
Which I feel bad about
Because Faith isn't really my type

She's just too in her own head
Because her parents are getting divorced right now

I try to be there for her
But now I'm afraid she's mistaking my friendship
For something more

I told Gabriel about it
He's the janitor
And after school
We sit and talk
About my girl friends with a space between girl and friends
And my girlfriends with no space

Gabriel says it's funny I call them girlfriends with no space
Because when you have a girlfriend space is the last thing you have

I don't get that
But I laughed when he said it anyway
Because I didn't want him thinking
I'm stupid when it comes to girls

Gabriel says girls like Faith have lots of baggage
And that means Faith is definitely not my type
Because packing for a trip
Is my least favorite thing to do

Holly wants to be my girlfriend without a space
But my friend Tony Hooper says she's a tyrant
And that if you kiss her
You can taste the blood
Of the babies she's eaten

I did kiss her once
And it didn't taste like babies' blood
Not that I've ever had babies' blood
But Holly's mouth tasted like the turnips
My Mom makes me eat

And when I was like--Ew, your mouth tastes like turnips
She was like--That's 'cause I eat turnips all the time
And I was like--Ew, that's worse than babies!
And she was like--Ew! You've been talking to Tony Hooper!
And I was like--He's my best friend.
And she was like--He's the grossest thing ever. I saw him lick his own armpit once.
And I was like--You're totally lying!
And she was like--Am not!
And I was like--Yeah, you totally are!
And she was like--Well, you're a sped!

And normally that really would have hurt my feelings
But I know that Holly was speaking from a place of rejection
Which is what Gabriel told me later

Plus when it happened I remembered that she's just a total bitch

And one day
If stem cell research keeps going the way it's going
I may not be in this chair anymore
But Holly will always have turnip breath

Lauren is sort of my girlfiend
Because she already has boobs

Gabriel says she developed early
And that I should be sensitive to that

I said, Gabriel, I'm totally sensitive to it! It's the whole reason I want to date her!

She's a little crazy too though

Faith just has issues
But Lauren is full-on crazy

Her parents write detective novels
So she thinks she's in some big murder movie
All the time

The other day she asked me
If I could meet her after school
Behind the dumpster
So she could tell me who killed Hector

I didn't know who Hector was
So I really didn't care that he was dead
And the dumpster smells
So I said I couldn't meet her
Even though I think she wanted to kiss me

Fine, she said, but don't think I don't know who you were dancing with at the Copa last night!

I don't know what the 'Copa' is
But I think it's a place where crazy girls go
To dance with guys named Hector

I was going to tell Gabriel about that
But he's gone now

I guess he probably had girl trouble
Since he knew so much about girls

He said a wife
But maybe he had a girlfriend with a space too

My uncle had a girlfriend and a wife
And then my aunt found out about it
And now he has only one good arm
And a twitch

I don't really have anyone to talk to
About my girlfriends anymore

My friend Alvaro likes older women
Which I think is disgusting

He's dating this old hag from the fourth grade
And it's the weirdest thing ever

And Tony says he can't worry about girls
Because he wants to be a surgeon one day
And that means he doesn't have to worry about girls
Because he'll be so rich he can just buy a house
That comes with a wife and kids

I don't really know if I want to get married
When I grow up

I'd like kids
But I'd like my own kids
That I wouldn't have to share
With some crazy girl
Who'd make them pack suitcases all the time
And eat turnips
And go dancing at the Copa

Maybe when I get older
I can go find Gabriel
And we can be two guys who never get married
And instead go on adventures
All across the country
All across the WORLD

Breaking the hearts
Of girls everywhere

That'd be like the coolest life ever

And maybe after I'm done
Breaking all those hearts
I'd come back here and see if Faith is done unpacking her baggage

And then maybe I'd marry her
'Cause she is kind of cool

You know, for a girl

Mariella's Farewell Party

I would talk to Gabriel about the divorce
Before he disappeared

He was our school janitor
And when I would arrive early at school

--Earlier than all the other kids because my dad's not around anymore to drop me off later so I can sleep in so I have to get to school when my mom goes to work which is sooo early and I hate it--

Um, yeah, so when I would get there early
Gabriel would be there cleaning the classroom
And he would ask how I'm doing

And that's how he got invited to my party
Even though he couldn't make it
Because I guess he ended up being a secret agent
Who had to go to Sweden
To kill the Emperor ruling there
Before he takes over Iceland

That's what Tony Mars told me

It's a shame
Because he would have fit in so well

I had other secret agents at my party
And ballerinas and painters
And a polar bear named Rudy
Who told jokes

It was a divorce party

I had it because I've been a little sad
About my parents getting a divorce
And I thought a party would make me feel better

But my birthday is a long way off
And there isn't any holiday to celebrate

So I decided to just celebrate the divorce
And not ignore the elephant in the room

Oh, I forgot!

The elephant's name is Nina
And she's really glad we all stopped ignoring her

My parents have been sending me to a therapist
Since the divorce began
And he's a little concerned
That I have, what he calls, 'imaginary' friends
At the age of eight
When most kids are past all that

Well, I'm past it too
But my friends
Are not
Imaginary

They're eccentric, yes
But hardly imaginary

(Eccentric was on my Dad's word-a-day calendar that he said I could keep at Mom's house--isn't it a nice word? It sounds like electric, but it means 'weird and wealthy.' If you're rich and crazy, you get to be eccentric. If you're poor and crazy, you get to be homeless. I'm not rich but I'm not poor either, so I don't know if I'm eccentric or not. Maybe tomorrow Daddy's calendar will have a new word for what I am.)

Unfortunately, my party ended up being
A farewell party
Because my therapist, Dr. Stanz
Told me that I need to release the things I'm holding onto
Rather than let myself go and embrace what I'm feeling

He told me that what I think are support systems
Are really just obstacles on my path of grief and healing
For my parents' shattered marriage

...I don't understand any of what I just said

I'm just really good at repeating things

I did understand that the point was
To get rid of all my imaginary friends
And because they've been soaking up so much of my time
I decided maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea
To take a little break from them

I knew Mariella would take it
The hardest of all

She's been my friend since I was a child
Plus we'd made plans to go to Vegas together
When I turn the big 1-0

At the same time
She's definitely been the least helpful
When it came to dealing
With the divorce

'Darling,' she says to me, 'I don't know why you're so upset! My parents got divorced before I was even born! My mother was on her third husband by the time I was four months old.'

She told me this while we were in my bedroom

I was doing my vocab words
And she was giving herself a smokey eye
In front of my closet door mirror

'And you didn't mind having all those stepdads, Mariella?'

'No, darling! I hardly even remember them. I only remember my mother, and she was spectacular. That's where I get it from!'

My mother is NOT spectacular

She's mean and nasty
And that's why my dad moved out

If she didn't yell at him all the time
He might have stayed

And now when I go over his house
It's sooo great

I get to stay up late
And eat whatever I want
And he buys me LOTS of presents

And then I come home
And have to do homework
And chores
And have no fun at all

Dr. Stanz says that my father isn't doing the right thing
By allowing me to do whatever I want
And that my mother is only trying to create a structured environment for me
But Mariella says--

'Structure?!?! Children don't need structure! They need small dogs and personal chefs!'

She said this after I came back
From a particularly grueling session
With Dr. Stanz

('Grueling' was another word in my dad's word-a-day calendar.)

Mariella and I were in the attic
Trying on old dresses
That belonged to my grandmother
And acting our scenes
From 'Great Expectations'
Which I found in the downstairs bookshelf
And have been engrossed in--another word-a-day--ever since

Mariella's little dog Stanley was with us
And when she clicked her tongue
He jumped into my arms
And I giggled because Stanley is so tiny!

Maybe Mariella is right, I thought
Maybe all I need is a dog like Stanley
And a man named Hugo
To make me scrambled eggs
Whenever I want

But then I talked to Gabriel about Mariella
And he said that even though she sounded fun
She doesn't have kids
And so she doesn't know
How hard it must be for my mom
To have to take care of me now
While she's still sad about my dad

He said part of growing up
Is growing past some people
And keeping the right people with you

'Which one of those people would Mariella be,' I asked
'I don't know, Miss,' he said, 'You have to figure that out yourself. That's another part of becoming a young lady.'

I'd prefer not to become a young lady

Tony Mars googled "young ladies" for me
And the images I saw were startling

I don't like frilly dresses
I don't like holding teacups with only two fingers
And I don't think I could balance a book on my head
Even if I really wanted to

'Great Expectations' is so big
I would probably have an indentation on my forehead afterward

(Indentation--Word-a-day)

After I talked with Gabriel
I met Mariella for lunch
In my basement

We both ate our usual
Peanut butter sandwiches
With the crusts cut off

And I mentioned that I saw my Mom crying
When I walked by her bedroom

She was sitting on the edge of her bed
With her head in her hands
Just crying

And it didn't even look like
She was crying ABOUT anything

Just crying

'Oh Faith!' Mariella said, 'Why do you always have to kill my mood? Why can't we talk about fun things?'

'But Mariella,' I said, 'I think my mom is really upset and that's upsetting me.'

'Well, it shouldn't' Mariella said, 'Moms aren't supposed to cry. And they're not supposed to upset you. They're supposed to do things for you and make you happy. I think your mother is being entirely too selfish, Faith, and I think you should inquire about emancipating yourself and moving with me to Tokyo this summer.'

Normally the thought of moving anywhere with Mariella
Would set my heart racing
But this time, I was just mad

I felt bad for my mom
Maybe I didn't have to
But I did

And I didn't like Mariella saying she was selfish
When she took all that time
To cut the crusts off our sandwiches
Even though she was sad

That's when I decided to take Dr. Stanz's advice
And bid a...temporary...farewell to Mariella

The party was just grand

I held it in my classroom before school
So that Gabriel could attend
But by then he was already fighting the good fight
In the tyrannical empire of Sweden

I just didn't know it at the time

Everyone was having a great time

Mariella was discussing her trip to Tokyo with me
With the waltzing gorilla

'Pogo, you should come WITH us! They just adore dancing primates in Japan. They're all the rage!'

When it was time to make my big announcement
I walked up to the front of the classroom
And cleared my throat
To get everyone's attention

I chose my words carefully
And explained how I'm growing into an adult now
And I have to start acting like one
And that means spending less time with eccentric friends
And more time with stupid kids my own age like Holly and Fat Pants

I could see that some people were upset
But I couldn't see Mariella
Because she was standing behind Nina the elephant

When I finished my speech
There was silence
And then a few people clapped
And everybody went back to their conversations

I went outside to the playground
To see if I could find Mariella

She was sitting on one of the swings
And I sat down next to her

'I knew divorce would change you,' she said, 'It changed my third husband, Arthur. He became a parakeet.'

We sat there for a little while
And then she said--

'I suppose I can cancel one of the plane tickets to Tokyo.'
'I thought you were taking Pogo?'
'She can fly in the cargo bay. They don't let waltzing gorillas into first class. Only the ones that can foxtrot.'

I started to cry

I knew I was going to have to leave Mariella
But I was going to miss her terribly

It's hard to lose your family
And your best friend
All in one year

Then I felt Mariella put her arm around me

'Darling,' she said, 'Don't cry. It ruins your make-up.'
'I'm not wearing make-up, Mariella.'
'But you could be,' she said.

Then she got behind me
And gave me a push
And I went up in the air
Over the entire playground

When I came back down to her
She held the swing back for a bit
And said--

'You won't forget me, will you?'
'Never,' I said, 'Never, ever, never.'

I could feel her smile
And she said--

'Then let me give you a little farewell present.'

She pushed me again
And this time I went even higher than before

I went above the playground
Where Stanley was digging a hole
In the sandbox
And pulling out bits of the Great Wall of China

I went above the town I live in
And I could see my house
And my mom who was making dinner
And laughing about something
I don't know what
But I was glad to see her laughing

And I could see my dad's apartment
Where he was hanging a picture
Of me and him
Right in his living room

And I could see all my friends
And my teacher
And I could see Dr. Stanz in his office
And I could even see Gabriel
Sitting on his throne
As the new Emperor of Sweden

Then I went even higher
Above time itself

And I looked down and saw me
All grown up
Standing in a beautiful bedroom
With a book on my head
And a goofy grin on my face
And a little girl laughing at me

A little girl who looked just like me

And I heard Mariella saying--

'See darling, see? You're going to be spectacular.'

And I did see
I saw it all

And when I looked down at the little girl
Who looked like me
I realized she wasn't laughing at grown-up me
Acting silly

She was looking past me
Out the window of her bedroom
Down into her backyard
Where there was a giant swimming pool

Where Mariella was laying
Comfortably at the bottom
Stanley right beside her

She was looking up at the little girl
Smiling, with open arms
Inviting her to come in
And join the party

They Don't Tell You It's Good

They don't tell you this
But sometimes it's good

Sometimes it's bright butter Sunday scotch topping
And terrible headaches that go away
When you give into it

Sometimes you get to fuck for hours
And dissolve into another person
That you have never met

You can touch her breasts
And hear her beg you
To keep going
Keep going
Keep going

They don't tell you about this
This they won't mention

They won't tell you that your secrets
Will become public knowledge
And the knowledge will allow the public
To put you on their hands
And carry you to the fountain
Where you will be absolved
By one and all

They don't say that you'll get skinny
And inspired and creative
And laidback and sexy
And hyper and manic
And moody and alive
And dead at the same time

Everything you want you'll have
Because you won't want anything
From anyone ever again

But that they won't tell you
They won't tell you that

They'll tell you about the needles
And the tears and the homelessness
And the hopelessness
And the rags
And the revulsion
And the statistics

But they won't tell you
That you won't give a shit about it
Because you got a girl from upstate
Giving you a lapdance
In your friend's living room

A girl that wouldn't have looked at you
Back when you were a nobody in school

Back before you let the town's main manufactured product
Creep into your veins
Into your eyeballs
Into your nostrils
Into your bare skin
Into your neck

Into all the parts of you that could be hurt before
Now, no more
No more
No more

You're steel man now aren't you, butterscotch?

You're yummy now
You're delicious

You're going to close your mouth now
You're going to loosen your tie
You're going to die

You know that, don't you?

You're going to die

They told you that part

But they didn't tell you the other stuff
They didn't tell you it's good

That sometimes it's so good

You'll die for it

You'll die wondering who turned out the light
Before you could see
How good it was

A Glass Full of Apple Juice

You want to know about Gabriel?

The janitor...?

Hahaha

Wellllllllllllllllll

I don't know anything
But any...janitor

But I do seem to remember
Some Guatemalan fellow
Poking his nose in
Where it didn't belong being poked

We got a lot of that going around
Here in the third grade

A lot of people with big noses
And big opinions
And little brains
That only work half the time

Holly may not be able to remember what a preposition is
But she sure does have her opinions

She was the one who told me Gabriel disappeared

I'd say I was sad
But I don't tell lies on Tuesday

Would you hand me that glass?

I always like to have a glass of apple juice
Before recess

Steadies my nerves
When I climb up on that jungle gym

It's a jungle on that jungle gym
Lots of tigers, and lions, and bears...oh yes

Just a few days ago
Fat Pants fell off the back of the slide

...Or did he?

Maybe somebody...pushed him?

Maybe it was that Gabriel you're looking for

That...janitor

You want my opinion?

Sure you do

Otherwise you wouldn't be standing there
In your galoshes
And your rain slicker
Asking me the way back to the second grade classroom
Because you're new at this school

DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

I know a narc when I see one

Those pigtails weren't done by anybody's mama, sweetheart
They were done by a pro

You think I know what happened to Gabriel the Janitor
And you're going to get it out of me
Or kick the bucket trying

Well, that bucket you're standing next to
Is what we use to keep the shavings
That fall out of the pencil sharpener
So you kick it all you want, sister

Everybody knows Gabriel's in that big puddle next to the school
That the principal tries to pass off as a baseball field

You have a three-foot dent in the middle of your outfield
During a particularly rainy season
And what you get is a perfect resting place
For a janitor who didn't know when to keep his eyes closed
And his mop to the ground

Now I'm not saying I had anything to do with it
But what I will say is this--

I don't shed any tears for a janitor

I got my own spills to mop
Starting with the apple juice
I'm about to throw in your face

This ain't second grade, honey
This is grade three
And around here--

We don't clean up our own messes

Alvaro's Anxiety

I'm nervous because Gabriel is gone

Our janitor
He's gone

And I heard from Holly
That he got deported
So now I'm nervous

My mom says anxiety runs in my family
And that's when you're nervous
All the time for no reason

But this time I have a reason
Because Gabriel is gone
And I could be next

Permit me to explain

My friend Holly came into school yesterday
And told me I'm not really an American
Because my parents weren't born here

She found that out
When I presented my family tree to the class
And it was entitled--

'My Parents Weren't Born Here--An Exploration of Ancestry'

My friend Tony Hooper says that Holly wasn't born here either
He says she was born in the eighth circle of Hell
Which is something he heard his brother say
About Holly's older sister

I didn't know I wasn't really an American
Until Holly told me

Now I don't know what I am

My parents are from Portugal
But Holly says I must be from Mexico
Because her parents met me
When I went to her birthday party
And she heard them say in the kitchen
That they can't believe how many Mexicans
Live in their town now

She told me that Mexicans get sent back to their home countries
All the time
As soon as someone finds out who they are

So maybe my parents picked me up in Mexico?
Maybe I'm adopted?
Maybe I have to go back to Mexico
And I've never even been there before!

Mrs. Brugel took us to the library
Where Tony--Mars, not Hooper
Helped me look up information
About my native country

It turns out they don't even speak Portuguese there
So now I have to learn a whole other language
Besides the two I already know!

At first I was pretty ticked off
Then I started learning more about Mexico
And you know
It doesn't seem like such a bad place

Me and Tony Mars googled 'Cancun'
And all these photos came up
Of these really pretty girls
Who looked like they were having
A really good time

Then I asked Gabriel the janitor
What Mexico was like
Because he looks like me
Which means he must be Mexican
But it turns out that he's from Guatemala
Which is a place I'd never even heard of
Because we don't do Geography
Until fourth grade

So then I was thinking maybe I'm from Guatemala
But I figured then Gabriel would probably recognize
A fellow countryman

Gabriel told me that he went to Mexico once though
And that he loved it there
Because that was where he met his wife

'So your wife is Mexican, Gabriel?'
'Yup.'
'Do you think I could meet her? Maybe she could teach me my native language.'
'She doesn't speak it, Alvaro. She was born here. She just went back to visit her family.'

Apparently most Mexicans don't speak Mexican
Maybe once I learn it I could there and teach everybody it
And make a fortune!

When I went home I got on my computer
And after I was done doing my homework
I researched more about Mexico
And the more I thought living there
Might not be so bad

But that was when I thought it was only a possibility

Then I came into school today
And Gabriel was gone

Holly said they must have sent him back
And now I'm really scared
Because I haven't even packed my video games yet
And what if I can't take them on the plane?

I went home and told my parents
That I was going to Mexico
And my parents asked when my school started being able to afford
These expensive field trips

I told them it wasn't a field trip
That I was born in Mexico
And they adopted me
And Gabriel the janitor was gone
And now I was going to be next
Because our country is run
By right-wing nutcases

That last part was what Tony Mars told me his dad said
His Dad works for a magazine called The Liberator and has a ponytail
Even though it looks weird

My Mom laughed when I told her
About my upcoming deportation
And she told me that I was definitely an American
And that her and my dad were too
And there was nothing to worry about
And that Gabriel probably just got a new job

Well...then I was kind of sad

I was glad I get to stay in America
But now I don't feel exotic
And I was really looking forward
To meeting all those girls in Cancun

Maybe Gabriel is in Mexico now
Maybe he's with his wife
And they're both sitting on a beach
Drinking smoothies
And Gabriel's glad
Because there's nothing there to clean

Just sand and sombreros
And tons of cool stuff

Maybe he'll tell the people there about me
Alvaro, the Portuguese Mexican American

Maybe he'll tell them that even though I'm a patriot
I'll never forget my almost-country

Fat Pants Won't Diet

Let's get something straight

I am not going on a diet

I don't care about childhood obesity
I don't care about early onset diabetes
I don't care about the fact
That I am the weakest link
On the third grade dodge-ball team

I do not want to diet

I have few joys in life
And all of those joys
Involve frosting

I'm eight years old
For crying out loud

Why diet now?

I haven't gone through puberty yet
And neither have any of my classmates
So what's the point in looking good now?

And it's not like it's going to be hard to lose weight

My sister Rissy was fat
Until she turned thirteen
Then she gave up eating everything
But iceberg lettuce and Dentyne gum
And now she looks like flagpole with boobs

People try to get me to diet all the time

My mom made me a cake made out of arugula
And thought I wouldn't notice

My entire family was sitting around the table
Smiling at me
Hoping I wouldn't notice

'Doesn't it look delicious,' my mom said

'I'm confused,' I said, 'Do you want me to eat it or water it?'

That was the end of the arugula cake episode

Look, I'm the fat kid
It's part of my identity

Don't you know what it's like in third grade?

It wouldn't matter if I got skinnier
I would still be Fat Pants

My friend Tony Hooper sneezed on himself once last year
And people still call him Booger Shirt

So as long as they're going to call me fat
I might as well be fat

I used to get upset about it a lot
But then Gabriel the janitor told me
How all the greatest people in history were fat

Like Winston Churchill
And President Taft
And Dom Deluise

I don't know who that last guy is
But apparently he was very big
In Gabriel's home country

Gabriel's not around anymore
And that makes me sad

I heard a rumor that he got eaten by lions
On the school field trip to the zoo
While trying to protect
The kindergarten class

My friend Skippy saw it
And said that if it were up to him
He would have let the lions get at least two kinderkids
Before he would have given up Gabriel
Because he was the coolest guy in the world

...And I kind of agree with him

But the important thing is that Gabriel's spirit lives on
In my refusal to lose weight

You know, everybody worries about fat kids
But nobody worries about mean kids
Or spoiled kids, or selfish kids
Or kids who make fun of fat kids

Everyone says they're worried about me being happy
But nobody ever asks me if I'm happy either

I wouldn't even think about being fat
If everybody else didn't make such a big deal about it

I know I'm not the healthiest kid
But I can add fractions
And I have nice penmanship
And I won the costume contest at Halloween

That's still cool, right?

You know, it's pretty sad when you figure out
That you can disappoint people
Just by being yourself

But I never disappointed Gabriel

He used to call me 'Superman'
Because one time I wore a superman t-shirt to school

'Superman!'

He'd yell it across the playground
At recess when we'd all be playing freeze tag

'Go get 'em, Superman!'

Everybody else calls me Fat Pants
My family calls me 'husky'
My doctor calls me 'overweight'

But Gabriel?

He called me 'Superman'

And that's the name
I like the best

Bernie Would Tell Me to Dance

Bernie would not like
The color I painted the bedroom

He wouldn't like the renovations
I made to the kitchen

He would say it was a waste of money

'Can you use the stove?'
'Yeah, Bernie, I can use the stove.'
'Then what's the problem?'

Bernie believed you live in a living room
And all the other rooms are just for peeing, cooking, and sleeping

As long as he had his recliner
He was happy

Which reminds me
Bernie would not like
That I threw out
His recliner

Bernie wouldn't like that I now don't eat meat
He'd tell me it's not healthy

But considering he died of a coronary
After years of consuming nothing but butter
Steak, Cheese, and chocolate-covered almonds

I figure I'll stick to my arugula
So at least one of us will be there
At our son's wedding next year

Bernie was not the most ideal husband
But I'll tell you one thing about him
That I absolutely loved

When Bernie's mother passed away
He cried for three solid months
Then he took me out dancing

And when I asked him
If he was sure he was ready
To go out and have a good time
He said--

'I needed to cry for me, and that was okay. But when I dance, I'm going to be dancing for Ma. You mourn somebody by crying, but you celebrate 'em by living.'

Well

I've had a year to cry
And I needed that year

The crying
And the new paint in the bedroom
And the fancy new couch in the living room
And the stainless steel in the kitchen

That was all for me
'Cause I needed it

And that's okay

But tonight's for Bernie
Because Bernie would tell me to dance

The Gardener

Hello Green Asshole,

I am thrilled to inform you that your new name is Green Asshole. I will no longer be referring to you as "Jeff" because "Jeff" was the lovely man that I wasted two years of my life on, and my therapist has instructed me that I should imagine all the obstacles in my life as super villains that I now have to defeat in my quest for self-love and acceptance. She asked me to give each super villain a name, a special power, and to identify the way in which I could defeat them in battle.

You have been christened the Green Asshole. Your special power is the ability to ruin lives, soak up youth, kill tender spirits, and garden. Yes, I now feel comfortable telling you that I hated your garden. You never grew anything in it for me. You grew oregano, which makes me splotch. I'm convinced you did this because you liked it when I was splotchy because then I didn't want to have sex with you, and you were free to jerk off to pictures of Abigail Adams in our hall closet.

Yes, Green Asshole, I know all about your First Lady fixation. You're the only man I ever knew that wanted to go to the Betty Ford center just to see if there were any photos of her on the walls.

You're a sick man, but luckily I have discovered the way to defeat you.

I'm going to light your garden on fire. As soon as the meeting I'm in is over, I'm going to drive to your house--the house you refused to share with me, but agreed to share with rutabagas--and set your splotch-causing oregano aflame. When you pull into your driveway, it will not be tomato sauce you think you smell, but the destruction of the devil patch that tormented me throughout our relationship.

I don't care if you report me to the police. There isn't a jury in the world that would convict me once I show them the naked playing cards I found in your drawer. The things Dolly Madison is doing in those pictures would make a serial killer vomit.

I would ask you not to contact me anymore, but since you've already blocked me on almost every website we belong too, I don't see how that would be necessary.

Forgive me for not writing more, but I still have to send out letters to my former boss (Memo Man), my ex-best friend Shelly (The Secret Spiller), and my mother (Queen of the Dead).

If I'm in a good mood, I may save you a tomato...but don't count on it.

Sincerely,
Mega-Bitch

Holly the 3rd Grade Patriot

Look, if you want to know what happened to the janitor
It's pretty simple

He got deported

I know all about deportation
Because for my third grade presentation
On 'What Makes Me American'

I decided to take a different approach
And did a multimedia extravaganza
On what makes someone
NOT American

For example, I am American because I speak American
Which is like English but with cooler words
Like 'totes' and 'skank' and 'sup' used to find out
What's going on with someone

Imagine if we hadn't separated from Great Britain
We'd still be saying things like--

'How's your father? Blimey, Elizabeth is such a tart. Bangers and mash!'

Instead of--

'Sup? Um can we talk about how Lizzie's a skank? Totes.'

That is an American sentence
And that's why it's so rockin'
With no 'g' and an apostrophe at the end of it

Here in America
We have no use for 'g's

Everythin's rockin' and rollin' and totes amazin'
Just the way it is

'G's are un-American if you ask me
They were a big part of my presentation

And if you think 'G's are American
Then that means you're un-American
Because once something has been dubbed un-America
If you argue and say it IS American
Then you're un-American
And that means you burn the flag
And hate barbecue chicken
Which also makes you nuts

I said in my presentation
That it should be easy to tell
Who the non-Americans are
In any situation
Because they're the ones
Who don't cry when an adorable third grade girl
Sings the National Anthem in front of the whole school
And only forgets two words because she's so nervous
But nevertheless kept the momentum of the song going
Thereby moving any real Americans to tears!

And I believe those people who didn't cry--

Who perhaps mocked this true patriot

--Should be shot by a firing squad

Hey, why should my parents' tax dollars
Go to fund terrorist cells
Like Jane Coopersmith's fourth grade clique
Who laughed when I accidently changed
'Dawn's early light' into 'Dawn's surly plight'

AN HONEST MISTAKE!

I say just put everyone like Jane Coopersmith on a boat
Sail them out to a shark-infested area of ocean
And set the boat on fire
While you watch Jane and her friends
Choose between being lit up like a Fourth of July firecracker
Or eaten alive by Great Whites

Hey! We could broadcast it on Fox News!

MSNBC has been corrupted by the liberals
They'd never air anything that patriotic
To them, it'd be like airing a documentary on Betsy Ross
When in reality it would be way more entertaining than that

Gabriel the Janitor didn't laugh at me
When I sang my song

Actually, he shook my hand afterwards
And I think I saw tears in his eyes when he said--

'You did America proud today, Holly.'

Gee, now I'm sad that he might have been deported

After all, just because he wasn't born here
Doesn't make him un-American

Now I wish I had taught him the lingo

If only he'd known how to talk to the immigration people

'I'm like totes sorry, Mr. Immigration Guy, but don't you think Jane Coopersmith is a way bigger traitor than me AND she's a skank.'

Maybe then, he'd still be here
Pledging his allegiance
With the rest of us

Tony Hooper and the Missing Janitor

First of all, the janitor might have been
The coolest guy ever

His name was Gabriel
And he was the only adult in the building
We didn't have to call Mr. or Mrs.
Which meant he was one of us

So now that he's gone
It's like we've lost one of our own

That's my first of all

Second of all, there is much speculation
About what might have happened to Gabriel

Some of the kids in my class
Think that he went to be janitor
At Stone Hill Elementary
Which would be the ultimate betrayal

If Gabriel went somewhere else to be janitor
He'd be another Eggs Benedict
Which is the grossest way to make an egg
Which is why that's such a bad thing to be

I don't think Gabriel went to Stone Hill
Because the thing a janitor hates doing most
Is throwing sand on barf
And at Stone Hill you'd practically have to build a giant sandbox
Because all they do at that school
Is pick their noses
Eat it and then throw up everywhere

...At least that's what I heard
From my cousin who goes there

And that's my second of all

Did you know when you pick your nose
You make God throw up
And that's why there's air pollution?

My Mom told me that

She discovered religion recently
I'm not sure where it was hiding
But she's super happy she found it
Whereas I keep telling her to put it back
Because now we have to get up at eight on Sundays
To go visit God at church

I don't know why God wants to see all his friends
So early in the morning on their day off

We're all in a bad mood
And if God can read my mind
I bet he'd rather I just stay home and sleep

Although this Sunday when I went
I concentrated really hard
And I prayed for Gabriel

I don't know why nobody will tell us what happened to him

Our teacher, Mrs. Brugel, says that he 'moved on to better things'
But what could be better than us?

I know it must have bothered Gabriel
To have to stop at our classroom
That time Fat Pants tried hiding chocolate
In the back corner of his desk
And ants ended up building a colony
In his math textbook
But stuff like that builds character

Building character is what my dad says
Every time something happens to me
That's really terrible

My Dad says--You're building character!
And I say--What character am I building? Is it Donald Duck? Because he doesn't wear pants...
Then my mom says--You're emotionally scarring him!
And I say--Is that a real thing?
And my dad says--No, you're mom's crazy.
And my mom says she wishes she still believed in divorce
And then we all have to go to church
Because we're heathens
Which means we love Harry Potter more than God

...Which I do, and I don't care if God knows it. When God beats Voldemort, then God can get all high and mighty

When I asked God to tell me
What happened to Gabriel
I didn't get an answer back

It made me really sad
Especially because if I'm going to get up
So early in the morning
I should at least get the answer
To one lousy question

But instead I just got nothing

And my mom says--

Sometimes God gives us an answer
And we just don't want to hear it

And I said--Is that like when I ask for a puppy and you give me a jar of peanut butter and a spoon?

And she said--Actually, yes, it's exactly like that.

I guess God wants me to eat peanut butter
And not worry so much about Gabriel
But I can't help it
I miss him

He used to come into our classroom every Monday
And show us all the fun stuff he found on the playground
That people left there over the weekend

Well, wherever Gabriel is
I hope knows I said a prayer for him

I prayed that wherever he is
There are kids there
Who like him as much as we did

And I didn't hear God say anything

So who knows?

Maybe that prayer came true

Brenna at the Wedding

Okay, so I'm at this wedding
For my sister and her fiancee, Aaron
Who I always thought was kind of a tisket
Like a tisket a tasket a tool basket

Got it?

Okay

Now, I have to say
Though my sister can be a bit of a tisket herself sometimes
She was cool enough
To let me invite my fan club to the wedding
Meaning my two favorite gay Asians Tam and Tony
And my overweight friend Stacey

Stacey managed to score us some wine
From her Mom's hidden wine chest

--I know, the woman's a LUSH--

Anyway

We were pretty buzzed
And I was the Maid of Honor
Which would have been cool
Except the best man
Was Aaron's friend George
And he kept making jokes about how if I weren't seventeen
He and I would have a date after the wedding
Which, considering he's like ten years older than me
Is pretty effing pervy

AND he's a tisket like Aaron

I was kind of hoping Aaron's friend Viktor
Would be his best man
Because Viktor is so gorgeous
Or even Aaron's friend Martin
Because he's in a committed relationship
And at least he wouldn't hit on me
Or say stupid stuff like when George said--

'So you planning on studying heartbreaking in college?'

Puh-ervy

Tam does an amazing impersonation of him now
It's the funniest thing ever

Anyway

The ceremony's going on and on
And I'm still buzzed
And trying to remember
The toast I wrote for the reception
About, you know, love being kind
Love being gentle
Love buying you jewelry
When it screws another woman
Which I was sure Aaron would do

But then, sometime around the communion
The very sight of which made me want to barf
Because I'm an atheist and I was kind of hammered
And Tam and Tony are Buddhist
So I was afraid they would be offended
Or ask for some sort of soy alternative
And then Stacey would take their helpings of Christ
And so I barely noticed
When there was a commotion at the back of the church

Apparently this guy named Chris
Who turned out to be me and my sister's second cousin--or something
Had showed up at the wedding
Without RSVP-ing
To stop the whole thing
Because he and Aaron were--wait for it--having an affair

Can--you--effing--stand it?

I thought Stacey was going to choke
On the cupcake she snuck into the church

Chris' parents were there
But rather than stop him
His Dad sort of looked wistful
Which must be what happens
When you realize
You're never going to have grandkids

I looked at my sister
Who was looking at Aaron
Who was looking at Chris
Who was looking at Aaron
Who turned to my sister and said--

Are you ready for this?

--'I'm sorry...but I love him.'

CAN YOU EFFING TAKE IT? CAN YOU? CAN YOU TAKE IT?

Then Aaron goes running to Chris
And the two of them run out of the church
Like in that movie The Graduate that old people like
Because it's where Dustin Hoffman sings Simon and Garfunkel
And it gave an entire generation permission to bang old women
Piss off their parents
And do nothing with their lives

No wonder everybody who was twenty in the seventies
Is so screwed up

Between that and Midnight Cowboy
I'm surprised anybody made it to the eighties

Dustin Hoffman really messed up a lot of people

Anyway

The entire wedding was a disaster
My sister somehow ended up at the open bar in the reception hall
Making out with her bridesmaid Kendall
Probably because everyone knows
That once you see how much fun the gays are having
You just have to join them

Straight people have absolutely no fun at all

I would have made out with Stacey
But if I go gay
My standards are going to be even higher
Than they are now

I ended up just singing a karaoke version of 'Knock Three Times'
With Tony and Tam as my Dawn

Ugh, TV Land--look up these references, people

Kitschy is coming back

Anyway, my mother was devastated

Deh-vah-stated

And you know, it is kind of sad

Because even if I have a wedding
It'll never be as good as that one

The Blonde Boy in the Picture

The first guy I ever liked
Was the blonde boy in the picture

He looks like he's eighteen or nineteen
So, when I first saw it
He was older than me

A lot older than me
And I...

I don't know

I liked him

I needed a photo of my dad for school
So I used the one has of him golfing
Because it looked really Dad-ish
And the photo of the blonde guy
Was right behind it

I didn't think anything of it

Maybe it was some relative of my Dad's
Or some friend he used to have

Maybe it was the photo that came with the frame

I didn't care
I just loved looking at it

I kind of...loved looking at it...a lot

You know--A LOT

And when I got older, I started looking for guys like that
Like the guy in the photo

That's how I wound up with Aaron

I met him at the church
Where he's getting married

How messed up is that?

I sing at different churches
And he was there
Checking the place out during a mass
With his fiancee
This really tough-looking girl

The first thing I thought was--

He looks like the blonde boy in the picture

I remember him turning around in the pew
And looking up at me
And smiling

It was kind of...hot

After the mass
He came back into the church
Told his fiancee he dropped his keys
And as I was coming down from the balcony
He handed me his number

That's right
I scored a number in church
That's like, the sin next to murder in the Bible

The first time we hung out
Was in my college dorm room

It was right before Christmas break
And everybody had gone home early

I remember sitting on my bed with Aaron
Like we were twelve or something
And he looked at the photo I have
Of me and my dad at my last softball game
When I was kid and he said--

'Is that your Dad?'

I said--'Yeah'

And he said--'Now I know why you're so handsome.'

It was...so awkward

But sweet, too, I guess

About a second after that
We started making out
And then, yeah, you know

This was all when I was still straight
I mean, I kind of still think I am straight
At least, I feel straight
I don't know
I haven't been not straight for very long?

It's sort of like when I turned twenty

I didn't feel twenty
I still felt like I was fourteen
I still felt like a kid
It took a long time to feel twenty
And even then it just felt the same
As every other age

That's what being not straight feels like
It still feels like being straight

So, no, I don't have any identity issues or anything
I just don't feel--gay, you know?

I feel straight

But I still wanted to talk to my Dad
Because he and I are like incredibly close
And I just wouldn't feel right
Lying to him about anything

But I didn't know how he would take it
Because we've never really talked about sex
Or anything

So anyway, I came home for break
And--it's weird
I don't know why
But--I was going to talk to him
And he wasn't home
So, to kind of, build up my courage
Or relax, or whatever
I figured--

Hey, why not have a visit with my old friend
The blonde boy in the picture?

And the picture was still there
Same old frame
Right behind Dad's golfing photo

But this time
When I--started
I got to thinking

Why was that photo hidden?

Why did my Dad keep it all those years?

And between thinking about that
And thinking about the guy in the photo
I didn't even hear the front door open downstairs
And my Dad was two steps into my bedroom
Before I could hide the photo
And, you know, clothe myself

Obviously, it was an uncomfortable moment

My Dad ran out of the room
And shut the door

Then, a minute later
When I was--composed
I heard a knock on the door

'Yeah?'--I said

'Um,' I could hear his voice, he sounded...weird

I mean, obviously weird
But like, more weird than weird
More like--disturbed

'Um,' he said, 'Where did you get that photo?'

I realized the photo flew out of my hand
When I jumped up off the bed
And it landed right underneath the door
So he could see it sticking out
Right there in the hallway

Wow, I thought
Not exactly the way
I wanted to come out to my Dad

So I opened the door
And told him how I found the photo

'And,' he said, still looking really...unsettled

'And,' he said, 'You...enjoy this photo?'

'Uh,' I said, wanting to die, 'Yeah...you know...yeah.'

Then I realized that maybe the reason he looked so upset
Was because of the photo itself

'Dad,' I said, 'Who is that?'

My Dad sat down
Sat down right there in the hallway
Right outside my bedroom door

He looked like a little kid

And he said--

'This was my friend'

Pause, like, a considered pause

And then--

'His name was Chris'

As in...my name

'Uh,' I said, 'Did you...name me after him?'

My dad nodded

Wow

I've been jerking off to my namesake

How messed up is that?

Then my Dad started to tell me about Chris
And even though he left a lot out
I still kind of got the gist of it

When he was finished
I sat down next to him
Still feeling kind of uncomfortable
And I told him about Aaron

. . . . .

Aaron's getting married

I mean, obviously
I told you he was engaged
But he's...really getting married

Like, it's going to happen

He's not suddenly going to realize
That he likes guys
And cancel the whole thing

He is getting married

And I...

I'm kind of in love with him

I know I may not be
But it feels like I am
It at least feels like
He shouldn't be getting married
Like, maybe he doesn't want to
I don't know

When I told my Dad about it
He said that I should do
Whatever I feel I have to do

I was like, 'Dad, he's getting married.'

My Dad just shrugged and said--

'Do what you have to do.'

It was...pretty awesome of him

Until I realized that maybe
He never planned on sitting with his son
Hearing him say the same stuff out loud
He probably said to himself in his head
Twenty years ago
When he said good-bye to Chris number one

Dad never asked me for that photo back
I guess he probably didn't want it
After he knew what I'd been doing with it

I haven't done...that...since
But, I do still look at it
Every once in awhile

The guy in it looks so young now
I mean, he's younger in the photo
Than I am now, but I mean--

He looks like a kid
Just a kid

And I think of him
And remember
That my Dad was the same age as him

The two of them were just kids
And one decided to get married
And one decided to disappear

All those big decisions
About who they were
And who they were going to be
And all when they were just kids

How do you make a decision about who you are
When you're not even there yet?

Maybe that's what I can say
When I talk to Aaron

Kidnapped in Hollywood

So allegedly I was kidnapped

Please put down
That at the time
Despite the fact
That I may have been screaming
From the window of a moving car

'HELP ME! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!'

--I was not actually being kidnapped

I was being unwillingly taken somewhere
Which, despite what the actual definition of kidnapping may be
Is not kidnapping

In that moment, my dear friend
Hollywood starlet, Christina Marks
Had decided, as was her right
That I had reverted back to embryo one
And needed to be taken against my wishes

--Again, not kidnapping--saving is more like it--

Would you call someone who wraps their arms around a drowning man
And pulls him to shore
A kidnapper?

Doubtful

I would also like to say
That I was not on any drugs
At the time of my salvation

And that is because
The only drug in this world
Is ignorance

And in that moment
The last thing I was
Was ignorant

So no, I was not on any 'drugs'

It is absolutely stupefying to me
That the biggest brouhaha involving
My salvation at the hands of my friend
Hollywood starlet, Christina Marks

Is the fact that we shared
An intimate moment
That was stolen from us
From greedy photographers
Who hunted us down
And took away our sincere second of true friendship

When two girls make the unfortunate mistake
Of driving a supposedly stolen car
Directly in front of the CNN building
The innocence killer known as the media is only too happy
To take advantage

And now, Christina's amazing career
Has been completely overshadowed
By the 'questions' surrounding her sexuality

Ladies and assholes
Do you not understand
That in a few short months
There will be no more sexuality?

There will be no more race
Gender, religion, credit rating
Morality, caloric intake, tunnels
Differentiation between monkeys
And/or labelmakers

Because in a few months
We will race ahead
To a world where two women
Expressing their platonic friendship
With open mouths and exposed breasts
Is not something that can be labeled!

Do we love men?

No

Do we fuck men?

Yes

Do we kiss women?

Yes

Are we gay?

No

Are we straight?

No

We are curving
Unending lines
Crossing over
Onto many different planes
That cannot be touched
By the hands of those who are drugged up
On the world's only drug
Ignorance

You know if everybody in the world
Did cocaine just once
Everybody would chill the fuck out
And have a few laughs
And get laid
And everything would be fantastic

That's my social theory

When people ask me what I am
I tell them I'm a woman

Which is the most complex
And amazing thing anybody can be

I tell them I'm from 1975
And that I just fucked Mick Jagger
On the floor of Studio 54
While Erik Estrada cheered me on

I tell them that I'm me
And only me

Free of signs and signifiers

And let me tell you something

It blows their fucking minds

The Writer

They're paying me to write a biography
About Christina Marks

I'm not writing it under my own name
Thank God for that

I get to pick a name
A fake name
Under which I can write two hundred pages of fluff
Including photos
Which will sell more copies
Than anything else I'll ever write
Under my real name

Such is literature

I've never met her by the way
Christina Marks
No need
This biography is unauthorized

I was hoping to get the last chapter done
Before the wedding I'm going to this weekend
But then Christina Marks decided to kidnap another girl
Go on a cocaine binge
And get herself photographed
Making out with the girl
She had allegedly kidnapped

That means my last chapter just got twice as long
And the publisher already offered me a raise
If I can milk that little p.r. disaster
For longer than fifty pages

They're not really interested in the kidnapping
Or the cocaine
Or the fact that car
Was probably stolen

Maybe because all that stuff will fall by the wayside
In a courtroom
Once Christina's high-priced lawyer
Gets a hold of it

But that kiss

That kiss is what it is

That's something I can write about

I was thinking maybe I'd get a little sneaky
And really amp up the artistry
In the description of the kiss

Use lots of adjectives
And metaphors
Really drive the editor nuts

But why put so much effort
Into writing about a kiss?

The wedding, the one I'm headed to this weekend
Involves two people I have never met before

The bride is my wife's cousin
Who she's not at all close with

That's what weddings are for
Meeting your relatives

Lately it seems like I spend all my time and energy
On people I don't know

At least I'm getting paid for it
Most of the time

The wedding is going to be in Newport
Which means I'll have to take anxiety medication

Going over the Newport bridge
Makes me start to shake so violently
The last time I tried to drive over it
I had to pull over and have my wife Lisa
Take over while I climbed into the back seat
With my hands over my eyes
Praying for it all to be over

'I never knew you were afraid of bridges,' she said

I didn't know I was either

Truth be told, I was a little more than shocked
To find out about this new phobia

When I was younger, I had a friend
Named Chris

After high school, we both ditched our respective college plans
And spent a year driving across the country together

Chris came from a scary little WASP family
That barely knew he existed

I came from a scary large ethnic family
That barely knew I existed
But for more practical reasons

When you're one of twelve children
You can get away with a lot more

Chris used to call me 'The Writer'
Because the only thing I ever took with me
Wherever we went
Was a notebook and a pen

'What do you write about,' he'd ask me
And I'd say, 'You, Chris. I'm writing all about you.'

Sometimes I was, too

I think Chris might have been my first unauthorized biography

I have a photo of him that I keep behind another photo of me golfing
It's not that I don't want Lisa to see it
It's just that...

It's a very strange photo

Chris just had this air about him
This sort of sexual air

It would seem odd that I would have a photo like that
Of a friend I had when I was eighteen
All these years later

In the photo, Chris is in the passenger seat
Of the piece of junk car I used to drive

I guess I was driving and taking the picture
Which wouldn't surprise me
I was eighteen after all

Chris doesn't seem worried

His blonde hair is wet
Because we'd both just been swimming in this river
Somewhere in Tennessee

He's got a white button-down shirt
That's too big for him
And all the buttons are undone
Except the bottom two

You can see the sun hitting his chest
And it's almost like it's going inside him
And lighting him up
From the inside out

He's got that perfect tan
That you can only get
From Tennessee sun

His hand's out the window
And he's saying something

I don't know what it is
I can't remember

But it seems like something to the effect of--

'Kiss me'

That's what it seems like anyway

. . . . .

When I saw the photo of Christina Marks
Kissing that girl
I thought of Chris

He had a little bit of a suppressed wild side in him
And he was persuasive

He was the one who got me
To jump my first bridge

We were in the Midwest
Somewhere, I don't know where
And it was about nine million degrees out

Chris was driving
And we're going over this bridge
Not a big bridge
Not like the Newport bridge
But not exactly a covered bridge either
Not a Madison County bridge

Can you tell I'm a writer
I'm failing at describing a bridge

Anyway, Chris stopped the car
And he got out
And I said--'Chris, what are you doing?'
And he said--'I'm jumping off the bridge.'
And I said--'Not until you give me your share of the gas money.'

He laughed and he said--

'It won't kill me if I hit the water right.'

'It won't kill me if I hit the water right'
Can you believe that?

It was the most incredible thing I'd ever heard

It sounded like--

That lion won't eat you
If you look too stringy

Then he said--'Do it with me.'

And that was all he said
And I did

I jumped off the bridge with him

I know I said he was persuasive
But if you know any persuasive people
Then you know that they're usually not very talkative
Not when they're truly persuasive

Most persuasive people just have a good smile
And a nice laugh

They make you want to find out
What they're smiling about

I remember climbing up over the railing of the bridge
Onto this little stone ledge
Looking down--it must have been at least four stories down
Right into the water

There didn't seem to be any rocks
And the water was calm

It wasn't like we were jumping into some rushing river
Although, we would
Later on, we would

I thought I was going to chicken out
And then Chris grabbed my hand
And he held it
He really held it

I was eighteen years old
And I think that was the first time
Anybody other than my mother crossing the street
Had ever held my hand

And I looked at him
And he looked at me
And we jumped

It was like--5 4 3 2--CRASH

That water was FREEZING

I felt my balls and my eyeballs
Become one with each other

And I went down so far
I thought--I'm going to drown
I'll never make it back up in time
To get air

Plus I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me
And I couldn't see a thing
Because I forgot to close my eyes
And it was--

Jesus, it was awful

Until I came up

Until Chris pulled me up

I felt his hand pulling mine
And I came up above the surface of the water
And he was laughing
And I wanted to kill him
But then I was laughing
And freezing
And we were bobbing up and down
Splashing at each other

And then he kissed me

That was the first time
He kissed me

This was before I took that photograph
By that point I was in pretty deep

Now, don't assume I'm confessing anything here

I'm not some closeted married man
Who still pines after his childhood love

I'm as straight as they come
And happy about it

What happened between Chris and I
Was somewhere between adoration and idolatry
But I'm fairly certain it wasn't love

I love my wife
Chris, I...

The last time I saw him was after we'd been on the road together
For months and months

My father called
And calmly explained to me
All the reasons why I should come home
And start college

The major one being
That the girl I had a little fling with before I left
This girl named Lisa
Was now a few months pregnant
And didn't I think I should do something about that?

I agreed with him
And told Chris I needed to go home

I told him that he should come with me
I didn't tell him about Lisa
I didn't...

I don't know why

We had stopped on a bridge in Georgia
And he wanted to jump

I told him I couldn't
That I didn't want to

I wanted him to listen to reason
And come back with me

He went over the railing
Looked at me
Held out his hand
And when I shook my head
He jumped

I spent all night on that bridge
Waiting for him to come back

I knew he didn't drown
Because I walked all along the shore
The next day
And I didn't see him
Or any sign of him

He just kinda disappeared

Finally, I started walking

I left the car where it was
In case he needed it

I took my notebook with me
And I managed to hitchhike back to Pennsylvania

From there, my dad wired me some money
And I caught a train the rest of the way

Chris never came home

. . . . .

When I went over that bridge with Lisa
I thought of Chris

Maybe that's what got me shaking

I saw him go over that railing
And that was it

And I don't think I ever really
Got over it

Now my wife thinks I'm afraid of bridges

Who knows?
Maybe I am

When you jump a bridge
You realize how little there is to it
How little is actually protecting you
From the water underneath

There's nothing forgiving about that water
Trust me

As soon as I finish this paragraph
I'm going to see my doctor
And have him give me anxiety medication
So that I can drive over the Newport bridge
And attend a wedding
For two people I've never met

When I married Lisa
My mother was in the front pew
Holding our son

Lisa hadn't wanted to get married
While she was pregnant

She'd picked out her wedding dress
When she was fifteen
And she was determined to wear it
Which meant waiting until the baby weight subsided

I was half dead from staying up all night
Writing a paper for my English Lit class

When the priest asked if anybody objected
The baby started to cry

In that moment, I truly felt
Like a New Englander

Part of me imagined that scene from The Graduate

I imagined Chris banging on the door of the church
Bringing the wedding to a standstill
Reminding me that I was not meant to grow up
And get married and have a child
And write pointless books
That even I wouldn't read

I pictured us running out of the church
Onto a bus waiting right outside
But instead of feeling that instant regret
Benjamin and Elaine felt on their bus
Chris and I would take our bus straight to the nearest bridge
And go right over the railing

Now every time I go to a wedding
I have that image

Every time the priest asks
Who might object

What a dangerous question

What if every time you had to make a big decision
Someone stood there and said--

'Does anybody think this is a bad idea?'

In that case, I never would have jumped off that first bridge

. . . . .

You know, I still have that notebook

Every once in awhile
I'll open it up
And start thinking that maybe
I can write down the story of Chris
And our lost year together

It's funny

It really is easier writing a biography about somebody
You've never met

Knowing Chris made it impossible
To ever capture him
In any way

But I did make a valiant attempt at it

'HEY CHRIS! CAN YOU TELL MOM I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR'S AT THREE? WHEN I COME HOME I'LL SHOW YOU TO CHANGE THAT TIRE!'

So you see, I chose the right Chris

Yes, I did name my son after him
Being a writer, what else could I do?

It was just too perfect an ending

Confused

Chris won't speak to me
Because I told him
That he was confused

I told him this fifteen years ago
When he told me

I should mention that he told the dog first
And by the way of the dog, his little brother, George

And then me, his mother
When I called
To ask why he wasn't at school
In college, where he was supposed to be

He was with his friend
Someone named Mike
And he told me
That he loved this Mike
And I told him
That he was confused

Because I was told
Or rather, I believed
That when your son
Tells you that he has left college
To run off with someone
Regardless of who that person is
Regardless of whomever it may be
Boy, girl, whatever
That your son or daughter
Is confused

It's something you say
Without thinking
It comes out

You're confused

That's what I told my son
And it was the last thing I told my son
Because he has not spoken to me
Since I said that to him

And consequently my son George and I
Have a strained relationship
Because of what I said to Chris

But Chris talks to George
So whatever comfort that is
Well, it IS a comfort

But...

You know, I hear girls
Girls that I teach
I teach--high school
High school English

I hear these girls
Talk about boys like my son
Boys they know
Or go to school with
Or whatever

I hear them say--

'If I had a gay son, I'd be THRILLED.'

They say it so lightly
Like it's nothing

Like--'If I had a son with blonde hair, I'd be THRILLED!'

I feel that's demeaning
To what my son is

To say it like it's nothing

I feel like responding the way I did
With, admittedly, insensitivity
Or shock, maybe
More shock

I feel that's--at least
Honoring what it is
Not to be...

Straight

That it is a LARGE issue

Not something you can be
Thrilled about

If I had a daughter
And she--

Or if my son
Brought home a girl
That was--

Pregnant

I wouldn't be thrilled

If my son brought her home
When he was younger, I mean
He's older now, and--

I would be upset
And NOBODY would blame me for that

But because I handled the issue with Chris
Not being straight, the way I did
I am a bad person

I apparently lived in a bad time
An ignorant time
A time of hate

Because I didn't embrace my son
And tell him that I loved the fact
That he was going to be facing
A life of hardship and nasty words
And disease--

Because disease was a threat
Despite how things are now
It's still a threat now
But it's become a silent issue
In the background
Because of how thrilled everyone is
They no longer notice
Threats, the girls I teach
People their age

Where was I?

Right

I was a bad person
I am a bad person
I suppose, because I'm still not
Thrilled

Because I said my son
Might be confused

But is it so impossible
That he could be confused?

That he could have been confused?

People get confused all the time
About their politics
And their religious beliefs
And who they love
And what they want

Why can't they be confused
About their sexuality?

Why is it bad to suggest
Someone could be confused?

My husband and I
Were not ignorant people

I did not run a hateful household

I loved my son

And I was concerned for my son

And I worried for my son

And my son was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD

And I'm a bad parent
For telling him that he might be confused
And telling him to COME HOME?

I TOLD HIM TO COME HOME!

. . . . .

They don't know

Those girls
Those girls who would be thrilled
They don't know
A thing

Before I had children
I hated my parents
Because they hated me
Because they hated who I was
And I swore
That I would love my children
No matter how they turned out

But do you want to know something?

You can't imagine
The things you child
Could turn out to be

You can't imagine
The curveball that is
A grown-up child

They will not turn out to be
Any of the awful things
You have decided you will accept

They will turn out to be something very harmless
But in some way incomprehensible to you

And it will not leave you
Feeling thrilled

It will leave you confused

Very, very confused

Because despite the fact
That you still love them
More than you can stand

You will, at that point
Cease to understand them

And from that point on
You've lost them

And you beg God to help you

To help you stop feeling
So confused

To help you understand