Confused

Chris won't speak to me
Because I told him
That he was confused

I told him this fifteen years ago
When he told me

I should mention that he told the dog first
And by the way of the dog, his little brother, George

And then me, his mother
When I called
To ask why he wasn't at school
In college, where he was supposed to be

He was with his friend
Someone named Mike
And he told me
That he loved this Mike
And I told him
That he was confused

Because I was told
Or rather, I believed
That when your son
Tells you that he has left college
To run off with someone
Regardless of who that person is
Regardless of whomever it may be
Boy, girl, whatever
That your son or daughter
Is confused

It's something you say
Without thinking
It comes out

You're confused

That's what I told my son
And it was the last thing I told my son
Because he has not spoken to me
Since I said that to him

And consequently my son George and I
Have a strained relationship
Because of what I said to Chris

But Chris talks to George
So whatever comfort that is
Well, it IS a comfort

But...

You know, I hear girls
Girls that I teach
I teach--high school
High school English

I hear these girls
Talk about boys like my son
Boys they know
Or go to school with
Or whatever

I hear them say--

'If I had a gay son, I'd be THRILLED.'

They say it so lightly
Like it's nothing

Like--'If I had a son with blonde hair, I'd be THRILLED!'

I feel that's demeaning
To what my son is

To say it like it's nothing

I feel like responding the way I did
With, admittedly, insensitivity
Or shock, maybe
More shock

I feel that's--at least
Honoring what it is
Not to be...

Straight

That it is a LARGE issue

Not something you can be
Thrilled about

If I had a daughter
And she--

Or if my son
Brought home a girl
That was--

Pregnant

I wouldn't be thrilled

If my son brought her home
When he was younger, I mean
He's older now, and--

I would be upset
And NOBODY would blame me for that

But because I handled the issue with Chris
Not being straight, the way I did
I am a bad person

I apparently lived in a bad time
An ignorant time
A time of hate

Because I didn't embrace my son
And tell him that I loved the fact
That he was going to be facing
A life of hardship and nasty words
And disease--

Because disease was a threat
Despite how things are now
It's still a threat now
But it's become a silent issue
In the background
Because of how thrilled everyone is
They no longer notice
Threats, the girls I teach
People their age

Where was I?

Right

I was a bad person
I am a bad person
I suppose, because I'm still not
Thrilled

Because I said my son
Might be confused

But is it so impossible
That he could be confused?

That he could have been confused?

People get confused all the time
About their politics
And their religious beliefs
And who they love
And what they want

Why can't they be confused
About their sexuality?

Why is it bad to suggest
Someone could be confused?

My husband and I
Were not ignorant people

I did not run a hateful household

I loved my son

And I was concerned for my son

And I worried for my son

And my son was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD

And I'm a bad parent
For telling him that he might be confused
And telling him to COME HOME?

I TOLD HIM TO COME HOME!

. . . . .

They don't know

Those girls
Those girls who would be thrilled
They don't know
A thing

Before I had children
I hated my parents
Because they hated me
Because they hated who I was
And I swore
That I would love my children
No matter how they turned out

But do you want to know something?

You can't imagine
The things you child
Could turn out to be

You can't imagine
The curveball that is
A grown-up child

They will not turn out to be
Any of the awful things
You have decided you will accept

They will turn out to be something very harmless
But in some way incomprehensible to you

And it will not leave you
Feeling thrilled

It will leave you confused

Very, very confused

Because despite the fact
That you still love them
More than you can stand

You will, at that point
Cease to understand them

And from that point on
You've lost them

And you beg God to help you

To help you stop feeling
So confused

To help you understand