Brenna at the Wedding

Okay, so I'm at this wedding
For my sister and her fiancee, Aaron
Who I always thought was kind of a tisket
Like a tisket a tasket a tool basket

Got it?

Okay

Now, I have to say
Though my sister can be a bit of a tisket herself sometimes
She was cool enough
To let me invite my fan club to the wedding
Meaning my two favorite gay Asians Tam and Tony
And my overweight friend Stacey

Stacey managed to score us some wine
From her Mom's hidden wine chest

--I know, the woman's a LUSH--

Anyway

We were pretty buzzed
And I was the Maid of Honor
Which would have been cool
Except the best man
Was Aaron's friend George
And he kept making jokes about how if I weren't seventeen
He and I would have a date after the wedding
Which, considering he's like ten years older than me
Is pretty effing pervy

AND he's a tisket like Aaron

I was kind of hoping Aaron's friend Viktor
Would be his best man
Because Viktor is so gorgeous
Or even Aaron's friend Martin
Because he's in a committed relationship
And at least he wouldn't hit on me
Or say stupid stuff like when George said--

'So you planning on studying heartbreaking in college?'

Puh-ervy

Tam does an amazing impersonation of him now
It's the funniest thing ever

Anyway

The ceremony's going on and on
And I'm still buzzed
And trying to remember
The toast I wrote for the reception
About, you know, love being kind
Love being gentle
Love buying you jewelry
When it screws another woman
Which I was sure Aaron would do

But then, sometime around the communion
The very sight of which made me want to barf
Because I'm an atheist and I was kind of hammered
And Tam and Tony are Buddhist
So I was afraid they would be offended
Or ask for some sort of soy alternative
And then Stacey would take their helpings of Christ
And so I barely noticed
When there was a commotion at the back of the church

Apparently this guy named Chris
Who turned out to be me and my sister's second cousin--or something
Had showed up at the wedding
Without RSVP-ing
To stop the whole thing
Because he and Aaron were--wait for it--having an affair

Can--you--effing--stand it?

I thought Stacey was going to choke
On the cupcake she snuck into the church

Chris' parents were there
But rather than stop him
His Dad sort of looked wistful
Which must be what happens
When you realize
You're never going to have grandkids

I looked at my sister
Who was looking at Aaron
Who was looking at Chris
Who was looking at Aaron
Who turned to my sister and said--

Are you ready for this?

--'I'm sorry...but I love him.'

CAN YOU EFFING TAKE IT? CAN YOU? CAN YOU TAKE IT?

Then Aaron goes running to Chris
And the two of them run out of the church
Like in that movie The Graduate that old people like
Because it's where Dustin Hoffman sings Simon and Garfunkel
And it gave an entire generation permission to bang old women
Piss off their parents
And do nothing with their lives

No wonder everybody who was twenty in the seventies
Is so screwed up

Between that and Midnight Cowboy
I'm surprised anybody made it to the eighties

Dustin Hoffman really messed up a lot of people

Anyway

The entire wedding was a disaster
My sister somehow ended up at the open bar in the reception hall
Making out with her bridesmaid Kendall
Probably because everyone knows
That once you see how much fun the gays are having
You just have to join them

Straight people have absolutely no fun at all

I would have made out with Stacey
But if I go gay
My standards are going to be even higher
Than they are now

I ended up just singing a karaoke version of 'Knock Three Times'
With Tony and Tam as my Dawn

Ugh, TV Land--look up these references, people

Kitschy is coming back

Anyway, my mother was devastated

Deh-vah-stated

And you know, it is kind of sad

Because even if I have a wedding
It'll never be as good as that one