Pygmalion

So Beau came back to town
With this lovely Sicilian girl
Who could say three words

'Happy,' 'Yes,' and 'Primavera'

Hey, I didn't say all of them were English

Everybody in the acting company knew
It was only a matter of time
Before Beau was going to want to put his girlfriend in shows

Most people assume that all directors think their girlfriends can act

That's not true

Most directors know their girlfriends can't act
But most directors are men
And all men like having sex
So you do the math

The girlfriend was going into a show
In the middle of the sixth season

Into Pygmalion, no less
Beau was putting this girl
In a Shaw play
If you can believe that

This poor little Italian peasant
That he picked up
Off the streets of Palermo or something

And now here she was
The first lady of theater
In our little town

We used to call her Evita a la Borgia
Even though, we didn't actually know
Whether or not she was a bitch
Since we couldn't understand anything she said

Beau's ex-wife
Back in the acting company
After having been thrown out
Right before the divorce
Was livid at first
That he was going to put his little ravioli
On the mainstage
But then she realized the girl was probably going to fall
Right on her face
And in front of critics, no less

Her temperament improved
Significantly after that

Beau, however, was no idiot

No way was he going to stick a girl onstage
Who could barely speak the English language
Let alone do an English accent

So, one day, Beau calls me into his office
And tells me that because I have voice and dialect experience
It'll be my job
To prep his girlfriend
To play Eliza Doolittle--Acts One and Two

He was right, I did have training
I had sung opera for years
Before joining the acting company

I lived in the city
Where I met my husband
And then we decided we wanted to have kids
So we moved out of the city
And then...

And then we didn't have kids

Back then, you didn't have the options you do now
If you had trouble conceiving

God, we didn't even say conceiving
We didn't say anything!

It was 1969
It was a small town
And my husband and I had uprooted ourselves
Just so we could have a big family
And a backyard
And now we only had the yard
And so what was the point?

Then I started acting
And that helped
Helped me anyway
My husband was still pretty miserable

We talked about adoption
But he was proud
He wanted 'his own'
Stupid as I thought that was

So, to be honest
It was nice
Having a little project
To keep me busy
In addition to the theater

The girl would come over before rehearsal
I would go over the lines with her

I knew I couldn't teach her English in eight weeks
So I figured I'd just give her line-readings of everything
And hope that she'd pass

Luckily, she was so gorgeous
Even I wasn't listening to her half the time

Acting is all about emotion and vulnerability
And she had that in droves

There were times
Sitting at my kitchen table
Where she looked at me
And I just burst into tears

Everybody thinks a good actor
Is someone who can make themselves cry

No, a good actor is someone
Who can make other people cry

So, opening night came
And she did...all right

It wasn't any miracle success story
But it was good

It was as good as Pygmalion's going to get
All due respect
To the Shaw fans out there

I think half the audience was wondering
Why we didn't just do My Fair Lady

But that girl was so happy

She came up to me at the after-party
Going on and on
About how much I helped her

I said, 'Sweetie I didn't--'

But then she put her hand on me
Right on my stomach
And she said--

'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain'

Perfectly

Just like that

I laughed

I mean, why wouldn't you laugh?

It was funny

She was very funny

She was also deported
A few months later

Beau was inconsolable
And...honestly
So was I

She was a very sweet girl

And I remembered how sweet she was
That opening night
With her hand on my stomach

A few weeks later
I found out I was pregnant

It was the first of five times

My husband I were...

Dumbfounded
But obviously overyjoyed

We had no explanation
For how it happened

You know in the movie Moonstruck
When Cher's fiance goes back to Sicily
To see his dying mother
Only to have recover miraculously

Cher's mother says--'It was a miracle'
And Cher says--'A miracle?  It's modern times.'
And her mother says--'I guess it ain't modern times in Sicily.'

I think that just about
Says it all

An Enemy of the People

Beau was so upset
After our fifth season
He went to Italy
And none of us were sure
He was going to come back

Now that there was a Board in place
Beau didn't feel like he could 'create'
The way he used to

What that means is
He wasn't going to be able
To run the place
Like a dictatorship

We talked about potential replacements
Who could be our new Artistic Director

Then, with one week to go
Until we started rehearsing our season opener
The always-uplifting An Enemy of the People
Beau shows up at the theater
Looking tanned and refreshed
With an even more tanned and refreshed Italian girl
Walking alongside him

He checked his messages
He signed his divorce papers
He had sex with the Italian girl on the desk in his office

We all knew this
Because his Italian girl
Was louder than a freight train

It might have been quieter
If he actually had sex with a freight train

Then he called a company meeting

We weren't sure if he was going to quit
Fire all of us
Or tell us he was turning the theater
Into a pizzeria

Italy does things to people

My cousin went to Italy
Came back with three tattoos
A new haircut
And a French accent

Don't ask
Nobody knows

Moving on

Beau says that we're going to start doing things different
That he wants to make an impact

We all look at the actors in the company
That serve on the Board
But Beau knows what we're thinking
And he points out to us
That the art and the business
Are two separate things
And wasn't he still in charge of the art?

So what could we do?

We went along with it

That production of An Enemy of the People
Was like nothing I've ever been a part of
Or seen since

There was so much attention to detail
Everything had to mean something

The movement
The way we said things
The way we told the story

Suddenly that was everything

The story

At first we all balked
It felt wrong

And we weren't being allowed to do
What we thought
Was acting

Suddenly everything
Had to be about
This play
That none of us liked very much

Suddenly
We had to make it sing

And then
At some point
And I don't know when
But at some point
We did

We clicked

We sort of...

Everything...just...clicked

What we were doing
What we were working on
What Beau wanted from us

It all just started to happen
And all of a sudden
We weren't just 'playing' anymore
I mean, we were
We were playing
But we were also...doing something

We were doing something
That we felt was...important

We got so caught up in it
It never occurred to us
That it wasn't going to go over well
With the audience

That first preview
More people walked out
Than stayed in

There were complaints
There was resistance
There were even death threats

Most people just weren't ready
For what Beau was trying to do

But the smart people
The people who really loved good theater
They got what we were doing
And they told us

'Keep doing it.  We'll stick with you.'

And they did
For a long time
Until...

Well

That's not my story to tell

All I'll say is this

I was so proud to be there
The moment we stopped just being
That place downtown
That does the plays

And started being a theater

A real honest-to-God theater

That was one of the best moments
Of my life

Making that play
Sing

Julius Caesar

Something about Shakespeare
Just makes people
Want to kill themselves

Beau was no different

He was directing Julius Caesar
And he was miserable
And the company
Wasn't too happy with him either

This was at the end of our fifth season
Spring, 1968
After he'd thrown his wife out of the company
One of our best actresses

He thought she was cheating on him
With one of the actors in the company
Which is understandable
She'd done it before
But the guy he was thinking of this time was--

Well, he was no prize

And that guy got to stay in the company
Probably because he had dirt on Beau

The only way anybody stayed in that company
Was by having something on somebody

As soon as you looked around
And realized you didn't know who was sleeping with who
Or who was drinking too much
Or who got a little too rough
With one of the actresses at a cast party

You knew you were on your way out

And back then, Beau was the guy
You had to have dirt on

And it wasn't easy

It wasn't easy finding out stuff about him

He was a real mystery

And that made me nervous

Because I had left school in Connecticut
To join the company
And my parents
Were not pleased with me

I wanted a little job security

So when Beau tossed the wife
I used that as an opportunity
To bring up some...concerns I had
With the way things were run

Luckily for me
I wasn't the only one sick
Of Beau's tyranny

And more than a few of the actors
Missed his wife

We would have called her
A 'cool chick' back then

So we went to Beau
And told him
We wanted some sort of stability
In our jobs

And that we wanted him
To ask his wife
To come back to the theater

He screamed at us
Threw things
Behaved like one of those monkeys
Who throws their shit
At people
When it's feeding time

Then he stormed out of the theater
And we finished rehearsal without him

That was the day we decided to create
The Board

Now, before you go thinking we're jerks
Remember that eventually
He would have needed a board anyway

You can't have any kind of growing
Decent-sized theater
Without a board

So the next day
We waited until he blocked the assassination of Casear
Or, as I like to think of it
A little government scuffle
And then we approached him

Well, to be honest
I did most of the work

The men all shrank to the back

They claimed Beau would listen to me
Because he and I had a 'special relationship'
What they meant was that they assumed I was blowing him
On a regular basis
When that wasn't the case at all

I'm not stupid
I don't piss where I swim

I told Beau that there was going to be a board
Whether he liked it or not
And if he tried to fight it
Everybody in the company would walk

Part of me was afraid
He might actually tell us to do it

But he had a show to open
In a fairly short amount of time
And he wouldn't be able to recast the whole thing
And mount it
Without us

I told him that, in time
He would see
That this was a good thing

He told me
To go fuck myself

He said--'I never would have expected this from you'

And that was...hard

But we had our Board

And he let his wife come back
The following season
Although at that point
They were getting a divorce

And do you know what the first thing that Board decided to do was
That Board full of men?

First off, they decided that I didn't have enough experience
To serve on the Board

Then, they decided the theater didn't have enough money
To keep all their actors
On the payroll

So they let go of three people
All women
And I was one of them

They sent me right back to Connecticut
And Beau couldn't stop them
Even if he had wanted to

And stupid me
I spent so much time throwing my boss under the bus
That I forgot to get dirt
On the people I needed to get dirt on

I moved back home
I finished school
I married a politician

I became a real live Senator's wife

And if you think we all sound crazy
All the former members
Of the acting company

Go spend some time in D.C.
They'll show you what crazy is

I still feel a little bit bad
About betraying Beau
All these years later

I look much older than this
In real life

But this is theater, isn't it?

And we were all allowed to come
In our best costumes
Anger and shame and sadness
They all sort of
Fall by the wayside
As the years go on

But the looks on the faces
Of the people you've hurt
The people you've really hurt

Those stay right where they are

The Crucible

In 1967, I was cast as Abigail Williams
In the Orpheus Theater's production
Of The Crucible

Actually, I was cast as Abigail's understudy
But the girl who got it
Tripped walking out of the rehearsal studio one day
And broke her foot

Stroke of luck I guess
For me, I mean

Not her, poor thing

So I'm playing Abigail
And Beau, I mean, Mr. Regis
Was directing the production

His wife was playing Elizabeth
And this awful, ugly man
Was playing John

I think he must have had blackmail material
On Mr. Regis
Because he was a terrible actor
And a mean person overall

Coincidentally, someone would shoot him in the dressing room
A few years later
But that has nothing to do with me
So we won't go into that

Let's just say
I hear it was a very poorly attended
Funeral

Now, back to The Crucible

I was just a girl
When we were working on it

Mr. Regis always believed in age authenticity
He didn't like casting people
Too much older or too younger
Than the age specified in the script

Nobody worries about that kind of thing anymore though

Nowadays it's perfectly acceptable
To catch an octogenarian
Playing Ophelia
And hear everybody say--

'She's so believable'

Idiots

Anyone who tells you
A thirteen-year-old can't play Juliet
Or that a seventeen-year-old can't play Hamlet
Because it won't be believable
Hasn't spent much time
Around actual teenagers

I was seventeen when I played Abigail
And I understood her better then
Than I did as I got older

Teenage thought is like a language and logic
In and of itself

I had everything all figured out
I knew exactly what I wanted
And I was always sure of myself
Constantly sure

And what I was sure of
Was that I wanted to marry Mr. Regis

It wasn't that I was madly in love with him or anything
It wasn't a schoolgirl crush

I was just very aware of the fact
That if you're married to the Artistic Director of a theater
You're probably going to get a lot of lead roles

Lord knows his wife did

And to be honest
I didn't like the bitch all that much

So one night, I asked to speak to Mr. Regis
After rehearsal

Normally the stage manager would have waited with us
For legal reasons
But I paid that bitch off
So it was just me and Beau

As soon as we were alone
I burst into tears
And told him that I had a secret
And that it was killing me

He was so concerned
He put his arms around me
And, legality be damned
He held me

And that's when I told him
His wife was screwing around on him
With that moron
Playing the lead

He couldn't believe it
Which is understandable
After all, it wasn't true

But then I told him how I had seen them backstage
With their hands all over each other and--

Ugh

Sorry

Even now
The image repulses me

Well, wouldn't you know he went home
And kicked his wife
Right out of the house

The kid too

I guess he wanted to be totally unburdened

I was all set to move onto the next stage of my plan
When my mother found my diary
Next to the weed in my drawer

It could have been worse
She could have found the condoms
In my hope chest

She sent me away to boarding school
And I never got to act at the Orpheus Theater again

But before I left
I stopped by Mr. Regis' house
To say good-bye

I won't go into what our final conversation sounded like
But let's just say that
As always

Actions speak louder
Than words

What can I say?

A girl can never have too much insurance

The Glass Menagerie

Most girls have a stage mother
I had a stage father

It would occur to me later in life
That he was a closeted homosexual
But at the time
I just thought he was insane
Although, I will say, a fantastic dresser

He saw the audition notice
That the Orpheus Theater
Was having for The Glass Menagerie
And that was it

I was going

So I went

I auditioned

I got the role of Laura
The young, shy, shut-in

Admittedly, at the time
It was typecasting
At its finest

I was seventeen
As you can see

They let me come back
As my old self

Pretty, right?

I don't know why I was so...

Scared
Of everything

By the time we did the play
I'd never gone on a date
Or gone to a dance
Or kissed a boy

And if you know The Glass Menagerie
You know what that means

My first kiss was going to be onstage

Luckily, the actor playing Jim
Was...

Well, this was 1966
So I guess I'd say he was 'groovy'

God, how did we ever use that word?

Well, he was handsome
And gay

And the boy playing Tom was gay
And they liked each other quite a bit

And I had crushes on both of them
And in my head
I thought it was a love triangle

I guess nobody ever explained
The concept of a triangle to me

The woman playing my mother
Was this old widow
Who had a giant mansion
That the group rehearsed in
Before they got their own space
And she was also one of the theater's biggest donors

She was absolutely bonkers
And I loved her
We all did

It was such a nice experience
From start to finish

I wish I could tell you some awful horror story
To make it a little more interesting
But the truth is
I was so happy
The whole time

The boys would take me out dancing at night
And I'd come home
And tell my father
Rehearsal ran late

He was so happy to live vicariously through me
He didn't care one bit what I did

I bet if he knew I was spending my nights
With two attractive gay boys
It would have brought his vicarious living
To a whole new level

The day of our last show
I cried
And the boys hugged me
And the actress playing my mother
Whose name I can't even remember now
Gave me this beautiful necklace
As a last show present

She didn't have any children of her own
So I think in some ways
She really did think of me
As a daughter

I went home that day
Choosing to skip the cast party
Because I thought...

I thought it would just be too much
To say good-bye anymore
Would just be...

Difficult

So I went home
And my father was sitting in the living room
And he...

He made me come in
And sit down
And told me he was sending me to New York

He thought I did such a great job
In the play
That he simply had to give me a push
And make sure I pursued this
As a career

I informed him
Politely
Because I was still a very polite girl

That he was out of his mind
That I had no intention of going to New York
That I wasn't that talented
That the role had just suited me
That I was never doing theater again
And that I was going to stay right where I was
Finish school
Get married
And have a lovely gay son

I didn't say the last part
Not all of it
But it was what I was hoping for

He was furious with me
But I didn't care
I wouldn't budge

So he tossed me out of the house
And I went to live with the boy who played Jim
For the remainder of the school year
And that boy had a very handsome brother
Who happened to like girls
And we started dating
And after high school was over
We were married
And we had...six daughters

Well, you can't win 'em all, can you?

You know what the funny part about the whole thing is?

Doing theater and loving it
Made me realize
I never wanted to do theater again

After all, how could anything top that experience?

My father eventually forgave me
About five minutes before he came out to me
And, in the very same speech
He told me that he wanted to get into acting

I told him I thought it was a marvelous idea

And I wished him the best of luck

Although in my head
I remember thinking
That I wasn't sure he had
What it takes

The Zoo Story

They imported me from Atlanta
Because a friend of a friend
Told Beau that I was dynamite
And I think Beau liked the idea
Of having a real Southern vixen
In his little acting company

He brought me up
To do a production of The Zoo Story
With two women instead of two men

He did NOT have permission to do this
To change the genders
But Beau always did
Whatever he wanted to do
And when it was a little up-and-coming theater
That was okay
Because who really cared
But once the place got bigger...

There were legal issues
Although I'm not here
To talk about those

Anyway, he brought me up
And the show was going to be me
And his wife
In the two roles
And they were going to open
Their fourth season with it

I was staying at Beau's house
Because the theater couldn't afford
To put me up anywhere

I'm lucky they paid for my plane ticket
I half expected them to put me on a chicken truck
Or throw me on a moving train

The other actresses in the company
Did not like having me there
An outsider
Taking a lead role from them

That fear of fresh blood
Was ingrained in the company from the beginning
And from what I hear
It's still running strong
All these years later

That company is harder to get into
Than an unsteamed clam

Anyway, I was only dealing with Beau
Because he was directing the play
And his wife
Who was nice enough
And at night we'd all go home
And play with his son
Who was the cutest little thing

The play isn't all that fun to work on
But overall, we were having a good time
The three of us

His wife wasn't jealous of me
Not at all
In fact
We became fast friends

I just liked her, you know
I just did
Right from the start

And I liked Beau too, but Beau...

He was hard to like
Most of the time

Anyway, one night we're all back from a late rehearsal
And you'd think we'd be sick of the sight of each other
After all that work
But I was really good back then
At separating work and play

So Beau and his wife put the baby to bed
And we were down in the living room
Having drinks
Talking
Beau going on about his big plans
For the theater
And more drinking
And, uh...some other stuff haha

Just having fun

And we were being silly
Me and the wife
'Cause it got Beau riled up
And one thing led to another
And next thing I know
I'm...well, we're uh...

Kissing

I started kissing her
And she kissed me back
And then Beau got involved
And before long...

We had a real party going on

Hahahaha I'm sorry it's just...

Anyway

Sorry

I enjoyed it

I'll say that

I enjoyed it very much

I found his wife to be...

She was...stunning

The show opened
We were a hit
A huge hit
Beau kept running that show
And running it
Because the people kept coming
And we were so proud

And we never talked about what happened that night
But we were all so much closer after it

Like a family, you know?

So when I found out
I was pregnant
I...

I didn't worry
Or panic
Because I just thought...

I went and told Beau
And his wife
Who, at this point
I loved very much

And I wasn't that young at the time
So I don't know why I was stupid enough to think this
But I really thought--

I really thought they'd be happy

That they'd say
Great
Move in
Have the baby
We'll all be one big happy family

So when they...

When they were upset about it
And...Beau went out
He left the house

He usually left his wife
To deal with personal stuff
He wasn't too good with personal stuff
Or people for that matter

She, uh, she told me I needed to have it
Taken care of

The baby

And I said 'No'

I think I slapped her too
But that might just be selective memory
Making it all a little more dramatic
I am Southern, you know

I said 'No' though
I'm sure of that
Because I didn't believe in having babies killed

I was a good Christian

A good Christian
Who had group sex with married couples
But still, a good Christian
All the same

So I said 'No'
And I left for the theater

That night, Beau's wife arrived at the dressing room
All apologetic
And sad
And could I forgive her
And of course I'd have the baby
And we'd all raise it together
And she...

And she loved me
And we were all going to be
So happy

And I was thrilled
Really thrilled

And she said 'We should toast'

Back then you could drink up until the baby started crowning

So she got two glasses
And this bottle of wine
And we toasted

Then we went out onstage
And we did the show

Then afterwards, I was packing up my stuff
And I felt..

Something was wrong

So I took a taxi to the hospital
And by the time I got there
I was already bleeding
Down there

And the bleeding didn't stop

There was no question I was going to lose the baby
But when I realized that I was going to die too
Well, that was...

That was quite a shock

At 2:04am, I expired
As they say

Far, far from the home I loved

I don't feel bad about me dying
But I do wish that baby had survived
Even though at that point
It barely existed at all

Now, I don't like to go around
Throwing accusations here and there
But I would like to say this:

The wine tasted funny

I didn't think much of it at the time
Because I was so delirious with joy
But that wine Beau's wife served me
Backstage in our dressing room?

Something was in that wine

And that night when she said good-bye to me
Well, normally we'd go back together
After a post-show meal
But that night she said she had to get back quick
And would I be all right walking back to the house from the theater
And she hugged me and it just...

It seemed like a good-bye

Looking back on it
That's exactly how it seemed

Of course looking back on anything
When you're dead
Is dangerous

Everything seems so...suspicious

If there's one prevailing trait to the deceased
It's paranoia

Of course some people just don't give a damn

I suppose I could be one of those people too
If it weren't for my child...

Beau was a bastard
I see that now
But his wife...

She was the one holding up the house

Making sure nobody got in his way

It wasn't that there'd be a scandal
Me moving into the house
Having a baby with Beau
The lot of us living together

They didn't care about scandal
Hell, we all lived for scandal back then

The problem is
It would have slowed Beau down

And he couldn't have that

I don't think they meant to kill me
Just get rid of the baby

Maybe they put too much of whatever they poisoned me with
Into the wine

Who can say?

Who can say anything really?

If I start to think about it
It just breaks my heart

So I try not to think about it

But let me say this

Whatever anybody tells you
About Beau or his wife
Or that theater
Or how wonderful everything was
Back then
Remember this:

There's blood in that theater

My blood
My baby's
And a whole bunch of other people
You may never even know about

That theater is covered in blood

And no place stays up forever
When blood's pulling it down

Don Juan in Hell

The whole thing happened
Because Beau wouldn't let me in the door

I mean, wouldn't let me in the fucking door
No matter how hard I tried

I don't know why
Who knows

Maybe he was scared of letting people in the company
With actual talent

Because that hack group he had back then
They were--

Let's just say it took 'em ten shows
To get anybody to give 'em money
To go get an actual space

They were into their third season
Before they got the building down on James Street
And then Beau's attitude got even worse

Suddenly he was a fucking bigshot
Because he wasn't performing in parking lots anymore

So I'd go to the theater
And I'd walk into his office
Walk right in
I don't give a shit
Never did
Now that I'm dead it's even worse

And I tell him my story

I was an actor in L.A.
Got into some trouble there
And had to move to this little shithole town
Because this is where my family home was
And fuck me if I had the money
To buy a place of my own anywhere decent
But I still wanted to do some acting
And he could audition me and everything
I didn't want to be treated special

And he'd yup yup yup me
And then send me out the door
Ripping up my fuckin' headshot
Before I was back on the street

That fucker had no class
Let me tell you

So I start drinking

Shocker, right?

And one night it's cold out
Started to snow
And I'm in this hotel bar
And this woman comes in
Has a few drinks
And tells the bartender
She's in town
To see her son's play

So that perks up my ears
Because we didn't have a lot of theater back then

She pulls out a cigarette
I light it

She's not bad looking
But she's no oil painting either

But I'm curious, you know?

So I ask her who her son is
And she tells me

Turns out I'm talking to Beau's mother

And I think to myself

Well fuck me, what do you know?

And she's giving me the eyes

You know what I'm talking about
The eyes

And, like I said
She's no Mona Lisa
But I'm feeling kinda...

Well, kinda vindictive

So I figure--Why not?

We get a room
And we, uh...

We have some fun

And when it's all done
I put on a little show for her
Because I'm thinking to myself

This bitch has money

And money back then wasn't just tight
It was non-existent

I was living on bread and tap water
And that wasn't my kinda livin'
If you get what I'm sayin'

So she pats my head
And kisses my cheek
And says 'It's okay, it's okay'
And the next thing I know
I got a check in my hand
For a whole lot of money
And the line at the bottom said--

'Services Rendered'

Ain't that somethin'?

I went right to Beau's office the next day
And told him the whole story

He had me laid out on the desk with my nose bleeding
In under a minute
Which I guess I should have expected
But then I showed him the check

He didn't even know his mother was in town

'Musta been one hell of a play you showed her,' I said

And that one got my lights knocked out

When I came to
His wife was sitting with me
In the rehearsal room

She asked me what I wanted
To keep this whole thing quiet

I told her--

I want to be part of the acting company

And wouldn't you know it
The very next show

I was

Of course, everybody in that fucking place
Treated me like a pariah

Because of what I'd done

Which is a joke

All the shit that was going on in that theater
The depraved, twisted, biblical fucking shit
And I'm the evil villain?

Yeah, I don't think so

I was with that company for a few seasons
Then, in the spring of '72
I'm upstairs in the dressing room after a show
By myself, because everybody else had taken off
And of course wherever they were going
I wasn't invite

And I put my head down
Just for a second
Before I had to head home

And the next thing I know--

Bam

One bullet

Right through the back of the head

Even now
Even dead
Even seemingly all-knowing
I don't know shit

I won't say I didn't make a few more enemies
While I was part of that company
But shooting an unarmed guy like that
Then cutting him all up
And tossing him
Piece by piece
Into several dumpsters across town is, uh--

Well there was an investigation
And there was questioning
And then there weren't shit

But everybody still talks about that murder
And who could have done it

Me?

I really couldn't give a shit

All I wanted to do was act

That's all I ever wanted to do

The Caretaker

I went to visit my son
To check out this
Acting company
That my husband and I were bankrolling

Beau, my son, the fancy Artistic Director
Was lucky enough to have been born into money
But if you listened to him
And believed him
Well, if you listened to him and believed him
Then you were a fool
Because the boy was a compulsive liar
But aside from that
If you listened to him
He'd tell you
That he was anti-establishment
Anti-government, anti-rich
Anti-this, anti-that

What he wouldn't tell you
Is that his parents
His Republican parents
Paid all his living costs
While he was starting up
His little theater

And when he got married
And a child
We supported them as well

Now, it's one thing to take money from your parents
Even after the age of eighteen
Because parents are parents
And they support their children

If they're good parents they do anyway

But when you marry a woman
And bring a child into this world
And not, by the way, in that order
If I recall

Then it's time to start acting like an adult
Instead of continuing to shamelessly milk your parents
For all their hard-earned money
Rather than give up your little pipe dream
And do something productive

Now, I realize that him not giving up that dream
Meant the founding of one of the country's most respected theaters
But at the time, I just thought
This is ludicrous
He's living off his parents
So he can play dress-up

And I went to see him
And to shut the place down

My other son
Had already been sent ahead by me
Because he was...

Well, he was different
He...dabbled in things
I didn't agree with
So I sent him to Beau
Hoping his older brother would straighten him out
And instead, he fell in with one of the gentlemen in the acting company
And the two of them disappeared together

By the time I got there
I was convinced
The entire town
Was a portal to hell

On top of everything else
My husband was very sick

He'd slipped and hit his head
While working out in the yard
And one thing led to another
And...

He was in a coma

I called Beau
I told him what happened
And he said--

'Mom, I can't come see him.  I have to open a show.'

I'll never...

This was his father

His father

So

I made arrangements for someone
To take care of my husband
And I went to see my son
And to put an end
To his little play group

I arrived in town later than I expected
The weather was bad
This was February
And I got to the school
Where the group was performing the show
Right as the curtain was going up

So I thought--

Well, I'll stay for the show
And then afterwards I'll take Beau aside
And tell him it's all over

That I wasn't going to be writing checks for him
Anymore

The show was The Caretaker by Harold Pinter

I wasn't an imbecile
I'd heard of Pinter
But I'd never actually seen his work
I wasn't much for theater

When Beau and his brother would perform in plays at school
I'd go see them
But you're talking about Peter Pan and maybe, MAYBE, Shakespeare
But not anything like this

The play, it...

Struck me

Impacted, I guess
Would be the right word

I can't exactly say what it was
But it...unsettled me

I didn't stay and talk to Beau
As I had planned on doing

Instead, I found a bar
A nice bar, not a dive
But still, a bar
In one of the nicer hotels in town

And I pulled out a cigarette--

This was 1965, don't forget
I've been dead for awhile now

And this man
This man at the bar
Lit it for me

He was just...there

Like a...

Like he just appeared

And he was my age
Maybe a little younger
And handsome
Very handsome

And we started talking
The weather was still bad
Snow started coming down
And he asked where I was staying
And I said I hadn't thought about it
And...

He offered to get us a room

And...I said all right

It wasn't something I'd normally do
I would have--

I wouldn't have even considered it
Before that night
But that play

It just...

I felt different
Like a different person

I went up to the room
With that gentleman
And we...

And then the next day I went home
And Beau never even knew I was there

I kept cutting him checks
Until he didn't need them anymore
Which took some time
But not as long as I would have thought

Oh, and, uh...

Two days after I got back
My husband passed away

Suffocated
In his sleep

'These things happen'
That's what the doctor said

I wonder if he knew...

I had a very good life after that
After I murdered my husband

Oh, it's a sharp word
I know
Sharp like a knife

So was that play
That production
So sharp

It cut me
It really did

And then it put something in me
That I never quite got out

I started living
Really living

Isn't that marvelous?

That must be what people mean
When they talk about art
When they talk about the power of art

It transformed me

I don't have any stories
About the actors
Or the backstage drama
Or anything really

I'm speaking almost purely
As an audience member

But I still felt compelled
I still felt compelled to tell you all this
Because, you see, I've never told anyone

Even dead people have trouble
Carrying secrets, you know

So thank you

For letting me unburden myself

Oh, and enjoy the rest of the show

Who knows?

You may not walk out of here
The same way you walked in

Uncle Vanya

Let me tell you
What I used to do

I used to work all day
As a secretary
For a Mr. Jack Schohl
In an office downtown
While my kids were at school
And my husband was sitting home
Betting on races

If it sounds very Mad Men
Then please let me assure you--

It wasn't

Back then
Your boss never looked like Jon Hamm

An actual ham, maybe
But not Jon Hamm

And none of us could have afforded
The outfits they wear on that show

We wore pale grey sales rack items
From Macy's
If we were lucky
And quite often
I was not lucky

More than quite often, actually

After I'd get out of work
I'd pick up the kids from school
Bring them home
Make dinner
Make sure my husband hadn't had his legs broken by a bookie that day
Check homework
Clean
Scrub
Vacuum
Beg my husband to give the kids a bath before bed
Knowing full well he was going to forget
And I'd have to get up early
And do it tomorrow morning
And then take off for--

Rehearsal

I was the only working mother
In the acting company
If you didn't count Beau's wife
Beau was the Artistic Director
And I don't count her
Because she brought her son to rehearsal
And he was one of those demon babies
Who sits quietly for hours
While heavy machinery is operated directly above his head

My kids were not like that
So they had to stay at home
And I had to call them
During every break
To make sure they hadn't burnt the house down

NOW

If rehearsal had been pleasant and lovely
Perhaps I would have felt rejuvenated being there
And it would have been good for my soul
And all that

But rehearsals with Beau
Were not exactly a trip
To the ice cream parlor

He was...dramatic

I don't blame him
He was an artist
But even by artist standards
He was...

The words 'serial killer' keep jumping into my mind
For some reason

Anyway, we were doing Uncle Vanya
As the fourth show of our second season
And I was playing Yelena
Which was my first lead role
Because normally Beau's wife got all the leads
But he wanted her to play my stepdaughter
Which was ridiculous
But I guess that was kind of the point

I was nervous
Incredibly nervous
And Beau was on me
All the time
About everything

He didn't think I was up to par
With the rest of the cast

Keep in mind
Every day was getting up early
Screaming children
Husband dragging the family down into debt
Working with The Ham
Coming home
Cleaning, endless cleaning
And then, and THEN--

Rehearsal

But Beau didn't want to be bothered with any of that

He wanted to pretend
We were all in New York
Working on Broadway
Going home to empty penthouse apartments
And sleeping until noon everyday

He didn't want to know about our lives

Oh sure, he would have told you different
We were the acting company
We were all so close
Beyond mere co-workers and friends

We were family

But the truth is
I don't even think he knew
I had kids

And I wasn't the type
To throw that out as an excuse

'Oh, I have kids, I can't' or whatever

That was not me

I was aware
That I was making a choice to act
And yes, when we all did start getting paid
The extra money came in handy

But it was more that--

It was that this was something I needed to do

I was a wife
I was a mom
I was a secretary

But I was also something else

I was...an actress

And that was important to me
It was important to honor that part of me

God, that sounds ridiculous

The point is I made it work
I made it all work
All the time

I was great
At making
It work

Well, anyway
Vanya

It was tech week
Which is hell anyway
I mean, you know that
Even non-actors know that
But this was...

This was a special kind of hell

If you're writing a show
About the acting company
That's what you should call it

'A Special Kind of Hell'

Beau was insufferable
I mean, he was just...

He was stressed out
We were on the verge
Of really becoming something
And that was putting him on edge
And I get that
But he was really out of line
A lot of the time

And finally, I just lost it

He was on my case
About this one piece of blocking
That I couldn't get
Because it didn't feel right
And he lost it
And we started screaming at each other
I mean, really screaming
And people were--because I didn't scream
Not ever
Not in life
I didn't scream

And I was screaming

And I did it

I actually did it

I pulled kids card

Because--

You know, Beau didn't work
Not even in the early days

The acting company
The illustrious important
Orpheus Acting Company
Was always his job
Even before it was called that
Before we even had our own space

I don't know if he came from money
Or whatever
But he never worked

So who was he?
Who was he to make things so difficult
On those of us who did?

Who had to make things work?
Who the fuck was he?

Sorry

I'm sorry

Jesus

I lost it
And I said--

'Beau, my son is sick with a fever and my daughter's been throwing up and my husband took off two days ago and hasn't come home yet and I realize none of this is your problem and that we open this week and I'm not giving you what you want but if you can't be sensitive to all that and if you're nto willing to hear any of that and if you're willing to put theater and art and a fucking PLAY above actual PEOPLE and that talking to me like I'm a goddammed moron, like I'm less than human, is going to somehow HELP things then I seriously doubt we can have any kind of working relationship.'

And it worked

He backed down

They don't call it a card for nothing

You pull it
And it works

And I actually got a few more leads after that
But then...

But then I stopped being able to make it all work
So...

So I stopped
Acting
And I just...

Never went back

And I died fairly young
My husband even outlasted me
And at my funeral
Beau showed up
And shook everyone's hands
And told them...

He said I always amazed him

He never understood
How I could do it
How I could...

Do it all

Maybe that was the problem
Maybe the problem was
He never got
Why any of us were there

He never understood
That there were actually people
People standing four feet in front of him
Who cared about it
Even more than he did

Desire Under the Elms

When Beau put his brother in the company
Things got a little thorny

For me, anyway

His brother was this cute nineteen-year-old boy
And I was--

Well, I was as you're seeing me now
Even though I've been dead for about twenty years

They said we could come back in whatever form we wanted
Some chose more modest models
I said 'Fuck it, make me hot again'

And wah la, right?

Wah la

By the way, if anybody wants to have sex with a resurrected dead guy later
I'm not sure how long I have this body
But as long as I do
I plan on using it

To
The
Fullest

Now

Where was I?

Right

Beau's brother wants to be an actor
And he's out of control at home
So Beau's mother says--

You're old enough to move in with another relative
You can torture

So she sends him to Beau
And Beau is spending every waking second
On either his kid
Or the acting company

And we'd just started rehearsing Desire Under the Elms
And we'd never done O'Neill
And Beau thought this would be our chance
To put ourselves on the map
To really make a name for ourselves
To, uh, solidify ourselves, so to speak
As a, what would the British say, a proper theater

So he just tosses his brother into the show
As one of the hicks
And we go on rehearsing

Now, at the time
I was dating this lovely girl
I believe her name was Cindy or Mindy
Or something ridiculous like that
And we were about an inch away from getting engaged
Which meant that in about eight years
I was going to have to have sex with her

(Yes, I planned on stretching out that engagement
I was going to stretch it like saltwater taffy
Because, as you've probably guessed
I'm a homosexual
Spoiler alert, as they say nowadays
Or are you supposed to say that first?)

Anyway, I was not out of the closet
Because even though this was theater
And even though we were in New England
And even though we were putting on a play
Where a guy fucks his stepmother ONSTAGE
Being gay in 1965 was still a tricky thing to make work

The problem is
Beau's brother is gay
Very gay
And very okay with it
Which is probably why his mother banished him in the first place

Get thee to a theater, fairy boy

Something like that, probably
Maybe, who knows?

Anyway

The brother sets his sights on me
And I, discreetly
Allow his advances

But, being the idiot that I am
I fell for him

(I was young, remember
Very young
The kind of young where you think
Shaving someone's name into your head
Is a romantic notion)

We kept our little secret from Beau
Because he'd already dealt with some company drama
During the previous production
And we didn't want to send him over the edge

But we were...something

We were something to see
I have to say

Me and that boy

It was...

It was fun

I'd like to think it was more
But looking back on it
From this place of, well

The Ultimate Retrospect

It really was just fun
And...just fun

Anyway

We opened Desire Under the Elms
At some high school auditorium
I'm surprised they even let us do it
Because Beau did not shy away from the sexual stuff
Although theater back then was looked at as sacred
If you criticized it
It meant you were a fool

So we opened
And it was a huge success
And it felt like...

Well, it felt like a turning point

We all went out drinking after the show
Which is what we usually did after, well, everything back then
And Beau's brother and I decided to leave together
Which is not very subtle of us
But everyone was so hammered
I didn't think anyone would notice

We were walking back to my car
Feeling sort of...fearless, I guess
Because of how well the show had gone
So we were...holding hands

And we walked past this guy
This...just this guy

He wasn't really anything
Thirty, maybe thirty-five

And when he passed us
He sort of did a double take
Almost comical

But then he turned around
And started shouting at us
Like, shouting, you know
I mean, you know where this is going

The whole--'Asshole sees two guys together and threatens to attack'

Beau's brother was ready for it too
But the didn't get the chance
To defend my honor
Because from behind the asshole
Came--something
Right across the back of his head
And he hit the ground

And there was Beau
Standing there with, I kid you not
This...dictionary

Don't ask me where he found a dictionary
The man was odd

He could prop an entire production of The Wild Duck
Out of the trunk of his car

I was relieved
But also sort of terrified
That he'd killed the guy
That it didn't even occur to me
That now Beau was...

That he was aware what was going on now

He walked right up to me
And his brother
And fired us both

Threw us right out of the company

Then walked away

A few days later
Beau's brother and I took off
We moved to New York
And Beau and his brother
Never spoke to each other again

And when Beau died
I couldn't talk his brother
Into going to the funeral

He didn't want to hear it

You know, when you're a director
Or an Artistic Director
Like Beau was
You get used to controlling things

Nobody's above you
People look to you for guidance
To keep everybody in line

So when something happens
Or someone acts in a way
That you can't control
Sometimes
Artistic people
People like Beau
Just find it easier to...

Remove that
That person
That, you know, situation
From their life

I don't think he cared that his brother was gay
I think he was upset by the fact
That he couldn't control him

He wasn't some character in a play
He could dissect
And conduct

He was a person

Beau was always better with characters
Than people

And that was him
And that was my company experience

At least I got my husband out of it
Over time what started as this insatiable lust
Became something very real

Something much more than fun

But he's still alive
And like I said
I won't have this body for much longer, so--

If, in the meantime
Any of you want to sneak off behind the elms

I'll be waiting
Backstage

The Rehearsal

Ironically
The shit hit the fan
For a rehearsal
Of The Rehearsal

This satire of Restoration theater

It was getting easier to get performance space at that point
Because people knew who we were
The Orpheus Group
Because rehearsal space was a different story

So we ended up rehearsing
In parks
In parking lots
In parked cars some of the time

Just running dialogue
Or whatever

This was back when Beau directed everything
He'd get paranoid whenever we suggested
Letting someone else direct

He was very territorial
And not just about the company either
But let's not stray too far from the story here

We'd sort of hit the jackpot
With this old widow Harriet
That we called The Grand Dame

She liked acting
And she wasn't all that bad
But what really made her valuable
Is that she lived in this huge house
With these giant rooms
That you could have blocked an opera in

You just had to be careful because in addition to all this wide open space
There were these shelves filled with antique pottery and shit like that

Some of them were even on pedestals

Now, not all theater people
Are graceful and poised
So we were really careful
Not to go near any of the expensive stuff

You can see how I'm setting up the scene here
I usually got cast as the narrating character
In whatever play we were doing

I spent four years with the company
Then went to L.A. and started doing audiobooks
But that's neither here nor there

Right now, we're at the rehearsal
Priceless objects all around
And Beau is in a bad, bad mood

Nobody really knew why
But his wife
And the mother of his child
Seemed to be kind of on edge too

She was one of our best actresses
So when she started going up on lines
And screwing up the blocking
We knew something had to be going down

So Beau starts in on his wife
And she wasn't one you wanted to start in on

Pretty soon they're arguing
Yelling
Going back and forth
And we're all trying to calm them down
Because the Grand Dame is upstairs asleep

She used to rehearse with us until nine or so
And then we'd keep going while she went to bed
And we'd lock the door on the way out

Anyway, Beau and the little lady are fighting
And the fight's getting bad
I mean, really bad
Like they're going all in
And Beau's wife is looking at me like...

Like was I going to say anything?

And I kept looking at her like
This is between you and your husband

And that was the wrong look to give her
Because then she tells Beau

...Well, she tells Beau about the kid

How his son's not...you know, his

And the whole place goes quiet
And everyone's looking around because
You know, all the guys in the company
All the guys it could be
Are there
In that room

And Beau takes a second
And then it hits him

It hits him that the guy his wife has been sleeping with
Is within a few feet of him

So he looks around
And he looks around
And nobody's moving
Because it's Beau, you know
I mean, this guy was...

I mean, he was crazy

He wasn't a big guy or anything
But you knew he'd be the type
To slit your throat
And not think twice about it

And his eyes lock on me

And Beau and I...

I mean, we were like brothers, you know?
We were...

Nobody was closer than us

So he's looking at me
And I'm thinking--

He knows

He knows what I did

But then I realize--

He's not looking at me because he knows it's me
He's looking at me asking
Asking, like, with his eyes
If I know who it is

If I know who his son's father is

Then from behind him
He hears his wife say

'Yeah'

And he turns and looks at her
Then back at me
And she says it again

'Yeah'

And he knows
And so does everybody else
Even though everybody knew anyway
And, uh...

That was that

I thought he was going to murder me
Right then and there

But instead he went around the room
And picked up every thing he could get his hands on
And smashed it to pieces
Right on the floor
Right in front of us

And nobody tried to stop him
Nobody tried to do a thing

And I wasn't lying about what I said earlier
I stayed on with the company after that
And so did his wife
And when his son got older
The kid'd come to rehearsals
And it got clearer and clearer
That he was mine
Because he looked just like me

And...

And what do you say, you know?

What do you say?

What do you do?

We still got to use the Grand Dame's house
Because she thought some crazy person snuck into the place
And busted all her things
She didn't think anybody in their right mind
Would do that much damage to so many beautiful things
For no reason

And she was right

Nobody in their right mind would
And not for no reason
But...

I bet you think it's nuts
That we all kept working together after that
But we're theater people
We accept the fact that life is dramatic
And you live with it
You live with the insanity
With the intensity of it all

If anything, you thrive on it

When I finally did leave the company for L.A.
I didn't leave because things got uncomfortable

If anything, things were getting easier

I left because...

Because that kid called me Dad

Once, by accident

My back was turned
And me and Beau had the same hair color
And the kid must have thought...

He said 'Dad?' --Just like that

And when I heard him
When I heard him say it

I knew it was time to go

That's when I knew
The show was over

Dark of the Moon

It was Dark of the Moon

That put me over the edge

I don't know how many of you remember it

But it was this play about rednecks

Okies, I don't know

Whatever the hell they were

I didn't like 'em

And this play was performed everywhere

Colleges, community theaters, regional theaters

Just goes to show you

Bad taste isn't something

That was invented ten years ago

Anyway, we were doing this stupid play

About the Okies

The Appalachians

Whatever they were

And I'm getting sick I hate doing it so much

I mean, I'm getting physically ill over it

This was the first show

Of our second season

And we were doing it

In this high school auditorium

Until Beau, our boss, the Artistic Director

Could find us a real space

It was nice though

That auditorium

I wouldn't have minded staying there

Just as long as we weren't doing Dark of the Moon

The company was still, oh I don't know

Taking shape back then, I guess you would say

People were coming and going

But more people were coming

And a few were waiting in line

To work with us

Because now we were getting paid

And it seemed like this theater

Might actually be going somewhere

Plus we had a name for it

Orpheus

Beau's son was born during a production

Of 'Orpheus Descending'

So he was always a little partial

Now here we were

The Orpheus Acting Company

Sounds so--Greek, doesn't it?

We were really Greek back then too

And by that I mean--we were drunk a lot

And fucking anything that moved

So I guess we were more Dionysian than anything

Where was I going with this?

Oh right

I quit acting during Dark of the Moon

One day I'm sitting backstage

Thinking about all the people

Who want to work with Beau

And be in the company

And here I was

Sitting backstage

Getting paid to act

In a show I hated

And I just thought...

This isn't for me

I went to Beau

As soon as the show was over

And gave him my notice

It's more notice than his son gave him

When he popped out halfway through Orpheus Descending

Beau tried to talk me into staying

Because we got along really well

And he trusted me

And...

Well back then

You couldn't trust a lot of people

Maybe it's the same way now

I wouldn't know

I've been dead for...awhile

Nothing he said changed my mind

But it was sweet of him to say it

I just realized that if you don't love it

If you don't love what it is you're doing

Especially when you're an artist well--

Yes, the play was terrible

But I thought--

There are gonna be more terrible plays

And terrible productions

And bad actors

And bad directors

And rather than see all the possibilities of the theater

I just saw the pratfalls

And I truly wasn't interested

Maybe it means I wasn't a very good actor

You know what?

I probably wasn't

...No, I definitely wasn't

So it's better I quit

And went on to become a jewelry designer

I used to send stuff over to Beau

To use in his shows

Because I did miss him

I missed the people a lot

Just not the theater

Not the acting

Not the Okies

That's for damn sure

Still, you're asking me about it

The company

All these years later

And I still only have nice things to say

So maybe it wasn't so bad after all

Oh, not the play

The play really was that bad

But the rest of it?

Well...

The rest of it I wouldn't trade

For anything

The Death of Bessie Smith

We had one black girl in the company
Just one

And I was the one

And back then
They used to get comments about me

When they'd give her a role
That wasn't initially intended for a black actress

I didn't care
I was just happy to be working
And I was a hard worker
Showed up and did my job
Did a damn good job

Remember this was a small town

I mean, not backwoods Florida or anything
We're still talking New England here
Not that it mattered much in 1964

Oh, and Beau, our Artistic Director
Was so happy that he had a colored girl
In the company

He was what my father would call
A one-step liberal

You know, those people who take one step over the line
And then yell about it
To anybody who'll listen

Look at me!  I'm a step over the line!

But they don't go any further than that

That was Beau

He liked yelling and hollering
About how radical he was
But the truth is
Raise a fist to him
Or threaten him with jail
And he'd curl up in a ball
And wait for somebody to tuck him in

I had a wicked sense of humor back then

When Beau's fiance, wife, whatever
Gave birth to their son
In a field
Where we were doing Orpheus Descending
There weren't any doctors around
And Beau looked at me
To see if I knew what to do

Without skipping a beat
I said--'I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies, Mr. Beau'
And even in that situation
As tense as it was
Everybody just had to laugh

The last show of the season
Was done in this makeshift blackbox
That we made for ourselves
Above this bar downtown

We were doing The Death of Bessie Smith
And I started bringing around this man
My husband
Who wanted to be an actor too
Wanted it like you can't believe

I thought maybe Beau would give him a chance
Yelling liberal that he was
But it turned out Beau thought hiring him
Would be taking one step too many
Over that line

We were already getting complaints from audience members
About me playing this role and that
And there weren't that many black roles to go around
So what on earth was he going to give to my husband?

Of course, Beau didn't say it like that
He just said there wasn't any money
And there wasn't
But there never is in theater
And somehow things still get done

But anyway, Beau said, No, he wasn't going to hire him
And that was that

I didn't fight him on the issue
Because I didn't have to

I have my mother's eyes
And when my mother was mad at you
It was like Christ himself
Was staring back at you
All the time
Pumping all this guilt
Right into your heart

We finished Bessie Smith
The show we were doing
And Beau was mad at me
Because not only was I mad at him
Making him feel bad
But he'd just done what he thought was this revolutionary production
Of this play about race

And I went up to him
When it was all finished
And I said--

'All you are is a white man who did a show for white people telling them how tolerant they are.'

This was at the cast party
We were all drunk
But that sobered everybody up right away

Beau started to say something
But I cut him off
I said--

'All you are is a white man'

And I kept right on saying it--

'All you are is a white man who does shows.  That's all they are.  Shows.'

Then I took off

And when I got home...

And I got home
I found my husband
Hanging from the ceiling fan

After that, I just...showed up
I wasn't much of an actress
But nobody blamed me

And Beau kept feeling guilty
So guilty
That he employed me
Well past my prime
And so did every other Artistic Director
The theater had
Until I retired
In the early eighties

Guilt is strong, you know
And it lasts
And it lasts

Thinking back on it
If I wanna be fair
And I don't often want to be fair
Even though I'm dead

Thinking back on it
My husband probably would have killed himself anyway

He was always moody
And depressed

Nowadays they would have diagnosed him with something
But back then...

Even if Beau put him in the company
It might still have happened
But Beau didn't see it that way
And God knows
At the time
I didn't either

Me and Beau were always contentious with each other
But in this creative sort of way

After that day at the bar
And me going home to what I went home to
We were civil

Civil--and that was it

But he still found at least one good role for me
Once a season
And that wasn't nothing
Not when most of the others
Were playing nobody after nobody

Shitty roles
And that was IF you stayed in the company

A lot of people got fired
Once we got our space and--

Well, that's all water under the bridge now

Because we're celebrating, aren't we?

Fifty years of the theater
My goodness

The place must be completely different now

Even after I left
I still went to see shows there
Right up until I died
In the early nineties

Change, change, change
Everything changes

Tell me something

How many black girls do they have in the company now?

Still just one, huh?

Well, maybe things don't change that much
After all

Orpheus Descending

We did the show in the field
After the crazy girl
The Artistic Director was fooling around with
Burned down the abandoned warehouse
We were doing American Dream in

It was a shitty show anyway
I never liked Albee
And we did him eight thousand times
Or at least, it seemed like it

I always liked straight-forward theater
That's why I suggested we do Tennessee Williams

It's still fucked up
But at least you can follow the story

Beau, the Artistic Director
He liked the idea
And we did it in this field

I'm not kidding

This fucking field
Out in the middle of nowhere

There were mosquitoes
There was cowshit
Funnily enough, there were no cows

But we told ourselves
It was cowshit
Because otherwise it was something else

You see where I'm going with this?

We all told ourselves this was real theater
This was theater under the stars
We were carrying on a great tradition
Like the Greeks
Doing this great epic American tragedy

Orpheus Descending

And we got a good crowd
Even out there in the field
Because by then we'd established a following

And by a following
I mean--People thought we were fucking nuts
Which we weren't

We were just drunk a lot
And we found stupid shit funny

So we're out there
In the field
Doing Tennessee Williams
While the audience sits on blankets
And gets eaten alive by the bugs

One night these two kids started screwing on a towel
Right in the front row

I asked Beau if we should stop the show
And he said--Which one?

Anyway, Beau's fiance was in the show
Because she was a part of the acting company
And she was about seven months pregnant with his kid
Except, well, never mind
Let's just say she was pregnant with his kid
And she was only seven months in
And she was in the show
And you see where I'm going with this?

She went into labor
Right there in the field

And the show stops
And Beau's saying--Is there a doctor here?

And, I mean, we're out in a field
You'd be better off asking for a tractor

But one of the other girls in the company
Used to be a nurse
And she told Beau there was no time
To get his wife to a hospital
So she was going to have to deliver right there

And Beau's wife starts screaming that she wants a priest to marry them
Because she doesn't want to have a baby out of wedlock
Even though, the kid was conceived out of wedlock
So what's the difference?

Turns out there was a priest there
Go figure
And he married them
Right as the baby was coming out

This was all while the audience was still sitting there
Waiting for, I don't know what
The baby
Or for us to finish the show
So they could see what happens

When they heard that baby cry
They applauded

The first sound that kid ever heard
Was applause

And there we were
All of us
This acting company
Standing around
Crying our eyes out
Because...

Because it was like this kid belonged to all of us

That was the day we became a family
And we stayed a family
Always
From that point on

I left the company a few seasons ago
And two days later I died of a heart attack

The last thing I saw before I died
Was that sky full of stars
Above that field
The night Beau's wife gave birth
Halfway through the second act of Orpheus Descending

That was the most perfect moment
Of my life

And the kid?

They named him Tennessee

I guess it just seemed
Appropriate

American Dream

He wouldn't leave her
Because she was such
A good
Actress

Beau, that's who I mean
The Artistic Director
The boss
The first one
The one who started all this

Who started the acting company

I met him when I was fifteen
And he was...

Older than fifteen

And we hit it off
Because male directors
Just love a young fresh girl
They can mold
And guide
And blah
Blah blah
Blah blah

Of course he has to screw her
To do it

That's the catch

I was in the second show he ever did
Me and my two sisters
And then after that
He asked me to join the acting company
But he didn't ask my sisters
And that really messed them up
But I didn't care
Because I was going to be an actress

A real actress

My mother wanted to kill me

Plus, Beau was seeing this girl
Another actress in the company
And she was pregnant

But did I care?

I was fifteen
I cared about--NOTHING

Do you understand that?

Nothing

Plus he was going to leave her
He was going to leave her
And take the baby
And me
And we were all going to go to New York
Where my sister was living
And we were going to hit it big

This was all during the second show

It's amazing how things change
From one show to the next...

When we started the next show
This Albee play
Ironically called--American Dream
Beau told me that--

No, he was not leaving the pregnant girl
In fact, he was marrying her
And did I know that I still had a lot of growing up to do?

No, I did not know that

In fact, I thought I was very mature

Because, you see
Anger makes you feel very grown-up
And rage makes you feel downright old
And I was about ten points past rage at that point

We were doing American Dream
In this converted warehouse
Lots of dust
Lots of wood
Lots of stuff that can catch fire

And it did

One night, it did
The whole place
Went up in smoke

Along with our costumes
Our set
And all the money
After the performance one night

I was helping out as stage manager
So I was the last to leave the building

This was after the 'You have some growing up to do' speech

I went home
Cried my eyes out
Fell asleep
And when I woke up
There were police

They put me away
My mother, my parents did

They actually put me away
And back then
Getting put away
Was not like getting put away today

You were actually put somewhere
Left there
Abandoned

And--and trust me on this
I wasn't crazy when they institutionalized me
But I sure as hell was afterwards

I died in that place

Someone left a knife
Out in the kitchen
Where I helped out sometime
And I just...

But that's not what you want to hear about
You want to hear about the acting company
About the theater

Well, I was only there for two shows
But I certainly think I left an impression
Even if I'm not the one
Who burned that old warehouse down

It certainly got the theater a lot of attention
And that's always good

What I'm proud of
Looking back
All these years later
Now that I'm dead

What I'm proud of is--

I was never cruel
I was never like Beau

I may have been crazy, who knows
But cruel?

No

Because, you see
A cruel person would have told Beau
That the baby wasn't his

But I wasn't cruel
Not even at fifteen

And how do I know the baby wasn't his?

Just because I'm dead
Doesn't mean I don't keep secrets
But here's a hint

Everybody knew

It's theater

Everybody knows everything

That's what makes it
Such a dangerous profession

The House of Bernarda Alba

My girls were involved in the acting company
When it first started

They were doing this play
The House of something something
Some Spanish name

This was back before they actually had a theater
So they were performing in this abandoned parking garage
Which was probably too bad for the hookers
That used to take their V.I.P.'s there

Anyway, the girls heard from a friend of theirs
That they needed actresses for the daughters
And they couldn't afford to hire professional actors
So instead they were just using local people

But the head guy, Beau
He told everybody that if they worked for free at first
Then when he put together a real theater
They'd all get invited to join the company
And of course I thought it was a load of bullshit
But I wasn't going to say that
Because I keep my opinions to myself

Well, lo and behold
The show ended up doing very well

Because, you know
Those artistic types
Just love going to see a play
In a neighborhood so bad
You get mugged at intermission

They sold out their run
And then they just kept adding more and more shows
Until people stopped coming
And then they all went out and got drunk
And spent most of the money they'd made

Then Beau asked my girls to join the company

Not all three girls though
Just one of them

The one he was sleeping with

I found that out later

My daughter was fifteen at the time
And Beau was engaged to another actress in the company
That he'd gotten pregnant
And had I known about any of this
I would have buried him underneath that parking garage
With certain parts of him shoved in his own mouth
But as it was, I just told my other two girls
That life is life

Disappointment is unavoidable
Especially when you get involved with all that acting nonsense

I thought the girls would give up on it
And I figured the one in the acting company
Would do it for a few years
And then move onto something else

This was back when all you wanted for your daughters
Was a nice husband
And a nice house
And a few kids that treat them
Even worse than they treated you
Just to keep everything fair

But that's not how it all panned out

One of my daughters moved to New York
To show everybody she didn't need to stay in this lousy town
To be an actress

She was doing pretty well too
Got a few shows
One of 'em even on Broadway

We were all...

Well, we were thrilled
You know?

...Then she was walking down the street one night and a guy...

She had a dollar and a dime on her
And he left the dime
And her dead in the street

My other daughter went to London
And I never heard from her again

Simple as that

She just...disappeared

Maybe she's still alive, who knows?

If I think about it
It kills me
So I don't think about it

At least I got to bury my oldest girl
Being unsure about the middle one is just...

It's its own kind of hell

And the daughter in the acting company
Only did one more show
And when Beau wouldn't leave the pregnant girl for her
She, uh...

Well, she couldn't take it
And we had to put her somewhere
Where she could be...

Taken care of

You know, I used to be so protective of my daughters
And when they wanted to do that play
There was a part of me that wanted to say 'No'

Because back then
Good people didn't do theater
Especially not girls

But they wanted it so bad
And they were...

They were so good at it

I saw every performance of that show

I was so damn proud of them
All of them

If I had known...

That theater
That company
That man--Beau
The one everybody speaks so highly of now
The one they named a street after downtown

He was a monster
He tore apart my family

Made two girls feel like they were worthless
Sent them on the road to hell and maybe worse, who knows?

And broke the youngest so bad
She could never be put back together

That's what artists do, you know?

They say they create
But they don't

They destroy

That's my story about that theater

I don't even know why you're asking me

My girls never got to perform in it

It took them about ten shows
Before they moved into that big building
Near City Hall
And by then
Everything was already coming apart at the seams

But the shows kept going on
In this sort of...cruel way

They just kept happening

That's the thing about theater

It just goes on and on
Not caring one bit
Who gets tossed aside
Along the way

The show goes on all right

The show certainly does
Go on

The Hostage

The first show sucked

That's what they don't tell you

When they're talking about the history of the theater

The illustrious history

They don't talk about how terrible we were

People now complain

And say 'Oh God, it's gone downhill'

And they lament the olden days

But the truth is--

Yes, there was a golden period

A frame of time

A timeframe

When we were doing really good work

Consistently

Buuuuuuuuuuuut

We certainly weren't brilliant

At the very birth of it all

No, trust me

That was one ugly baby

We did a play called 'The Hostage'

This Irish play that nobody does anymore

And I played--

Oh, I don't know

A lass or somebody

A wench

Who knows?

I was only in the show

Because I had dated the Artistic Director

In New York

The previous summer

He said, 'Hey, I'm going to do this show in this town

This small town

And maybe, like, start something there'

'Start what,' I asked

'An acting company,' he said

I had no intention of being in an acting company

Not in some small bullshit town

Just so I could have steady employment

And do political Irish theater

But Beau, the Artistic Director

And my then lover

Had other plans

That's how I ended up living in that awful little town

Until I died forty-three years later

Of a severe brain hemorrhage

Anyway, that's depressing

Disregard that

The point is--

We were bad

Right off the bat

We were really bad

I'm talking dropped lines

Missed entrances

And the whole thing was performed

In the basement of some church

So the entire time we were making our bold political statements

Jesus was staring down at us from the cross

Looking even more judgmental than usual

Of course, it might have just seemed that way

Because we were all drunk at the time

After our two-performance run was finished

I told Beau I was going back to New York

The show had flopped

Only six people had seen it

And two of those people

Left when they found out

It wasn't Bingo night

But Beau was sooo happy

After that last performance

When we were done putting away the folding chairs

And drawing a mustache on Jesus

Just to be subversive

He took me out in the parking lot

And...

Well, he proposed to me

And, because I was young

And stupid

...And pregnant

I said--'Sure'

So I guess, in some ways

I was the first member

Of the acting company

Against my will

But all the same

My mother used to say great things come

From humble beginnings

Well, my marriage didn't turn out to be all that great

And my son...

We had our differences

And the theater?

Well, it's still here, isn't it?

After everything that's happened

The show has, in fact, gone on

I guess there's something beautiful in that

And also, sort of sad

It's like art, you know?

It's all about how you look at things