Desire Under the Elms

When Beau put his brother in the company
Things got a little thorny

For me, anyway

His brother was this cute nineteen-year-old boy
And I was--

Well, I was as you're seeing me now
Even though I've been dead for about twenty years

They said we could come back in whatever form we wanted
Some chose more modest models
I said 'Fuck it, make me hot again'

And wah la, right?

Wah la

By the way, if anybody wants to have sex with a resurrected dead guy later
I'm not sure how long I have this body
But as long as I do
I plan on using it

To
The
Fullest

Now

Where was I?

Right

Beau's brother wants to be an actor
And he's out of control at home
So Beau's mother says--

You're old enough to move in with another relative
You can torture

So she sends him to Beau
And Beau is spending every waking second
On either his kid
Or the acting company

And we'd just started rehearsing Desire Under the Elms
And we'd never done O'Neill
And Beau thought this would be our chance
To put ourselves on the map
To really make a name for ourselves
To, uh, solidify ourselves, so to speak
As a, what would the British say, a proper theater

So he just tosses his brother into the show
As one of the hicks
And we go on rehearsing

Now, at the time
I was dating this lovely girl
I believe her name was Cindy or Mindy
Or something ridiculous like that
And we were about an inch away from getting engaged
Which meant that in about eight years
I was going to have to have sex with her

(Yes, I planned on stretching out that engagement
I was going to stretch it like saltwater taffy
Because, as you've probably guessed
I'm a homosexual
Spoiler alert, as they say nowadays
Or are you supposed to say that first?)

Anyway, I was not out of the closet
Because even though this was theater
And even though we were in New England
And even though we were putting on a play
Where a guy fucks his stepmother ONSTAGE
Being gay in 1965 was still a tricky thing to make work

The problem is
Beau's brother is gay
Very gay
And very okay with it
Which is probably why his mother banished him in the first place

Get thee to a theater, fairy boy

Something like that, probably
Maybe, who knows?

Anyway

The brother sets his sights on me
And I, discreetly
Allow his advances

But, being the idiot that I am
I fell for him

(I was young, remember
Very young
The kind of young where you think
Shaving someone's name into your head
Is a romantic notion)

We kept our little secret from Beau
Because he'd already dealt with some company drama
During the previous production
And we didn't want to send him over the edge

But we were...something

We were something to see
I have to say

Me and that boy

It was...

It was fun

I'd like to think it was more
But looking back on it
From this place of, well

The Ultimate Retrospect

It really was just fun
And...just fun

Anyway

We opened Desire Under the Elms
At some high school auditorium
I'm surprised they even let us do it
Because Beau did not shy away from the sexual stuff
Although theater back then was looked at as sacred
If you criticized it
It meant you were a fool

So we opened
And it was a huge success
And it felt like...

Well, it felt like a turning point

We all went out drinking after the show
Which is what we usually did after, well, everything back then
And Beau's brother and I decided to leave together
Which is not very subtle of us
But everyone was so hammered
I didn't think anyone would notice

We were walking back to my car
Feeling sort of...fearless, I guess
Because of how well the show had gone
So we were...holding hands

And we walked past this guy
This...just this guy

He wasn't really anything
Thirty, maybe thirty-five

And when he passed us
He sort of did a double take
Almost comical

But then he turned around
And started shouting at us
Like, shouting, you know
I mean, you know where this is going

The whole--'Asshole sees two guys together and threatens to attack'

Beau's brother was ready for it too
But the didn't get the chance
To defend my honor
Because from behind the asshole
Came--something
Right across the back of his head
And he hit the ground

And there was Beau
Standing there with, I kid you not
This...dictionary

Don't ask me where he found a dictionary
The man was odd

He could prop an entire production of The Wild Duck
Out of the trunk of his car

I was relieved
But also sort of terrified
That he'd killed the guy
That it didn't even occur to me
That now Beau was...

That he was aware what was going on now

He walked right up to me
And his brother
And fired us both

Threw us right out of the company

Then walked away

A few days later
Beau's brother and I took off
We moved to New York
And Beau and his brother
Never spoke to each other again

And when Beau died
I couldn't talk his brother
Into going to the funeral

He didn't want to hear it

You know, when you're a director
Or an Artistic Director
Like Beau was
You get used to controlling things

Nobody's above you
People look to you for guidance
To keep everybody in line

So when something happens
Or someone acts in a way
That you can't control
Sometimes
Artistic people
People like Beau
Just find it easier to...

Remove that
That person
That, you know, situation
From their life

I don't think he cared that his brother was gay
I think he was upset by the fact
That he couldn't control him

He wasn't some character in a play
He could dissect
And conduct

He was a person

Beau was always better with characters
Than people

And that was him
And that was my company experience

At least I got my husband out of it
Over time what started as this insatiable lust
Became something very real

Something much more than fun

But he's still alive
And like I said
I won't have this body for much longer, so--

If, in the meantime
Any of you want to sneak off behind the elms

I'll be waiting
Backstage