The Crucible

In 1967, I was cast as Abigail Williams
In the Orpheus Theater's production
Of The Crucible

Actually, I was cast as Abigail's understudy
But the girl who got it
Tripped walking out of the rehearsal studio one day
And broke her foot

Stroke of luck I guess
For me, I mean

Not her, poor thing

So I'm playing Abigail
And Beau, I mean, Mr. Regis
Was directing the production

His wife was playing Elizabeth
And this awful, ugly man
Was playing John

I think he must have had blackmail material
On Mr. Regis
Because he was a terrible actor
And a mean person overall

Coincidentally, someone would shoot him in the dressing room
A few years later
But that has nothing to do with me
So we won't go into that

Let's just say
I hear it was a very poorly attended
Funeral

Now, back to The Crucible

I was just a girl
When we were working on it

Mr. Regis always believed in age authenticity
He didn't like casting people
Too much older or too younger
Than the age specified in the script

Nobody worries about that kind of thing anymore though

Nowadays it's perfectly acceptable
To catch an octogenarian
Playing Ophelia
And hear everybody say--

'She's so believable'

Idiots

Anyone who tells you
A thirteen-year-old can't play Juliet
Or that a seventeen-year-old can't play Hamlet
Because it won't be believable
Hasn't spent much time
Around actual teenagers

I was seventeen when I played Abigail
And I understood her better then
Than I did as I got older

Teenage thought is like a language and logic
In and of itself

I had everything all figured out
I knew exactly what I wanted
And I was always sure of myself
Constantly sure

And what I was sure of
Was that I wanted to marry Mr. Regis

It wasn't that I was madly in love with him or anything
It wasn't a schoolgirl crush

I was just very aware of the fact
That if you're married to the Artistic Director of a theater
You're probably going to get a lot of lead roles

Lord knows his wife did

And to be honest
I didn't like the bitch all that much

So one night, I asked to speak to Mr. Regis
After rehearsal

Normally the stage manager would have waited with us
For legal reasons
But I paid that bitch off
So it was just me and Beau

As soon as we were alone
I burst into tears
And told him that I had a secret
And that it was killing me

He was so concerned
He put his arms around me
And, legality be damned
He held me

And that's when I told him
His wife was screwing around on him
With that moron
Playing the lead

He couldn't believe it
Which is understandable
After all, it wasn't true

But then I told him how I had seen them backstage
With their hands all over each other and--

Ugh

Sorry

Even now
The image repulses me

Well, wouldn't you know he went home
And kicked his wife
Right out of the house

The kid too

I guess he wanted to be totally unburdened

I was all set to move onto the next stage of my plan
When my mother found my diary
Next to the weed in my drawer

It could have been worse
She could have found the condoms
In my hope chest

She sent me away to boarding school
And I never got to act at the Orpheus Theater again

But before I left
I stopped by Mr. Regis' house
To say good-bye

I won't go into what our final conversation sounded like
But let's just say that
As always

Actions speak louder
Than words

What can I say?

A girl can never have too much insurance