Arrived

I lost sixteen pounds for my sister's wedding
I bought a dress I can't afford
I started practicing starting every sentence with 'Well, in L.A...'
I perfected a ridiculous Starbucks coffee order than takes even the most talented barista fourteen minutes to make
I said my ex-fiance's name over and over again until I could do it without twitching
I watched every movie that could possibly be nominated for an Oscar this year
I got a ninety-eight dollar haircut
I quit smoking
I stared drinking
And I arrived

My brother picked me up from the airport
And the first thing he said to me was--

You look older

And he didn't mean it in a good way
In case you're thinking maybe there's a good way to say 'You look older'
There isn't
And he didn't
So there went all that planning
So that I could come home this time
Without all the anxiety that normally accompanies it

I am a grown woman
I work for one of the most powerful casting agents in Hollywood
I make at least one intern cry every week
And somehow the thought of facing my family at Thanksgiving
Turns into a twelve-year-old girl
With braces and big glasses
And a cape

Yes, I wore a cape
Senior year of high school
Yes, I thought it looked cool
Yes, I was bullied by people on the Chess Team
Annnnnnnnnd we're moving on

Because I am a different person now
And I have arrived

My brother and I get to my parents' house
My Dad is asleep on the couch
Taking one of the forty-two naps he takes everyday

I think I saw my father awake
For a total of twenty-three minutes
During the first eighteen years of my life

My mother does that thing where she hugs me really, really hard
Than whispers something off-putting into my ear, like--

'Don't be upset but another one of your cousins is getting married.  Not that you need to.'

--or--

'Don't be upset but your sister's dating that boy you liked in high school and it's going really, really well.'

--or--

'Don't be upset but your ex-fiance was here the other day and he looks fantastic!'

And I immediately go smoke in the bathroom
With my head out the window
Wondering if I can take the red eye
Back to California

I have arrived

We sit down for dinner
My sister and the guy I liked in high school are there
My brother and his girlfriend, my best friend from high school, are there
Both couples are engaged
I'm sitting by myself
Staring at a bowl of corn
Because eating anything more than that
Will immediately put those seventeen pounds back on
And in the living room, my father is snoring
While a football game plays on the television

I ask my mom if I can turn it down, the television
And she says--'No, your father's watching it.'

At that moment, my father loudly mumbles something about Communism
And then turns over so he's facing away from the tv completely

My sister chooses that moment
To ask me if I'm lonely in California by myself
With nobody
Alone
Isolated
By myself
Lonely

She says all these words
Even though they all mean the same thing
And with each word
Her eyes glisten just a little bit more

But I am prepared for her

I say--'Well, in L.A...'

But then my brother cuts me off and says--

'Don't you live in North Ainsley?'

Which I'm sure he looked up
Because my brother is not exactly a geography whiz

I mentioned once, years ago, in passing
That I live in North Ainsley because it's cheaper
But also not as impressive
As living in L.A.
And somehow my brother
Who never listens to anything I say
Remembered that
And is now bringing it up
To deflate the balloon of self-confidence
I was trying to construct

'Yes,' I say, 'But it's close to L.A.  I work in L.A.  I'm there all the--'

But my sister cuts me off
With this sharp laugh she has
And she says--

'You don't have to lie, Claire.  We're all family here.'

Then she slips her hand
Into the hand of the boy
Who gave me my first kiss
And smiles at me as if to say--

'Don't bother, sweetie.  I've already won.'

I have arrived

. . . . .

Later on that night,
I'm in the living room
Eating left-over cake from this afternoon
While my mother is upstairs sleeping
And my father is still dozing on the couch
And my siblings have gone back
To their nice, settled, well-furnished homes

All my hard work
Everything I did before coming here
Has amounted to nothing

I finish off the cake
And wonder to myself
If my mother has any buckets of chicken fat lying around
That I could eat

Which is when my father wakes up

He smiles
Glad to see me
I said he was inattentive
But he's certainly not unkind

He says--'Hey there, princess'
And I can't help myself--
I run over and hug him

Then, in a sort of rush
Because I'm scared he's going to pass out again
I tell him all about all the stupid stuff I did
To try and impress everyone
And how it didn't work
And everybody in the family is more successful than I am
And how I'm such a failure as a person
And how I got this cat but then I found out I was allergic to it
And so I had to give it back to the pound
And they totally judged me for it
Even though they didn't say that and--

Okay I guess a lot of stuff
Was coming out at that point

My father listened to everything I had to say
And then told me that my sister and her boyfriend broke up two weeks ago
And she paid him a hundred bucks to come to dinner tonight
And that my brother just lost his third job in a year
And that my mom spent four days cleaning the house
Because she thought it wouldn't be nice enough for me anymore
Me--the fancy California girl

I guess we were all nervous
About impressing each other
And wanting to seem...grown up

Better than we were
As if we were such bad people
To begin with

'Don't be mad at them,' my Dad said, 'They're all so proud of you.  They just don't always know how to show it.'

Then he gave me a kiss on the forehead
And fell back asleep

So what did I take from this trip?

Families aren't perfect
Wisdom and common sense are sometimes the same thing
And Thanksgiving is not the time to give up smoking

The next day
When everybody arrived to see me off
I wasn't wearing make-up
My hair wasn't done
And I had on a sweater
That I bought at a yard sale
From an eight-year-old travel agent

My family took one look at me
And let one collective sigh of relief

Before I left my mom gave me a big hug
And whispered in my ear--

'Now that's the girl I remember'