When I Told Mom

I was waiting for the right time to tell her
Because Jim and I had been trying for awhile
And to be honest, we were all getting a little nervous
That maybe it just wasn't going to happen
And that maybe there was something wrong

And then I found out
That I was pregnant
And you'd think I would just
Yell it from the rooftops
But, you know, I'm Italian
We're superstitious
So I decided to wait
Until we were past
The first trimester

But of course, it's difficult
Because my mother has to know everything
And she has to be the first to know everything too
So Jim and I agreed that we'd tell her first
And that nobody else could know
Until she did

Well, that's all well and good
But I forgot about my grandmothers
Extra-sensory powers of observation
When it comes to her grandkids

In other words, I went to see my grandma one Sunday
And as soon as I walk in the door
She takes one look at me and says--

'It's a girl.  Name her Stella.'

I'm an idiot
I'm an idiot for going anywhere near an old woman from Sicily
When I'm trying to conceal a pregnancy

I said, 'Grandma, you can't tell Mom about this'
And she says, 'Okay, okay'
And I think I'm good

But then my Mom calls my grandma the next day
And says--'Guess who's pregnant?'

And she's about to say--

'That girl Terri, who you met at Tom's retirement party'

But before she can say that, my grandmother says--

'I already know.  Congratulations, Grandma.  Now you can start letting your hair go gray.'

My mother didn't say a word
She just hung up the phone
Called me
And started yelling

'I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO KNOW!'

I said, 'Ma, the doctor was the first to know.  Jim and I were second and third.  Does that make you feel better?'

She didn't appreciate the joke
But she calmed down when I told her
Grandma said it was a girl

'If she said it was a girl, she's right.  She said you were going to be a girl and she said you were going to be beautiful and smart and that you were going to respect your mother and always tell her everything.  I guess she was a little fuzzy on the last part.'

I said, 'Ma, I don't care what she is, as long as she's as cool as you are.'

That's when she started crying
And then I started crying because I'm hormonal
And then Jim walked in and saw me crying on the phone
And I told him that my mom knew
And then he started crying

I said, 'Honey, what's wrong?'

And he said--'I just realized something.

Now we have to tell my mother.'