Hey ladies
How's it going?
I don't think we know each other
I'm Mitchell
Jen's husband
I know she usually picks up Christopher
From school
But I, uh, sort of gave her the day off
So I could come and talk to you
Before we all gather our kids
And head out on our merry respective ways
Uh...I guess you've been sort of, um, tormenting my wife?
Because she's a little eccentric
Kind of shy
Not really the Martha Stewart type
Which is fine, I think
I mean, we're all adults, right?
And we want our kids to see us
Exhibiting mature behavior
So why you would all act like
A pack of nasty she-wolves
Is completely mind-boggling to me
Aren't we all concerned about bullying?
Or are you okay with it
Because you figure it's all a jungle inside those little elementary school walls
And you'd rather have your kids
Be the predators?
So you pick on the quiet one
Just as I'm assuming you did in high school
And then you all get together and laugh about it
Right before you pick up your kids
And go home
And make what I imagine is really lousy overcooked dinner
And smile at your husbands
Never letting on
Just what devious witches you are
And I guess you thought it was all between women
And you know what?
Maybe it should be
And maybe I as a man should stay out of it
But since my wife came home crying yesterday
All I've been thinking about is showing up here
And letting you know
That when it comes to my family
I don't really care who it is that's messing with them
I just want to let those people know
That now they're messing with me
Luckily, I think we can resolve this issue fairly quickly
Since bullying seems to be the language you all understand
I think I can speak to you in your native tongue
See, I went to all-boys prep school--in Connecticut
So I know a few things about bullying
You there, lady on the left?
Your husband cheats on you
Trust me, he does
I know this for a fact
So while you're all happy homemaker
Oooh I'm so lucky I don't have to work
It's only because your husband doesn't want you getting all independent
So you can look around and realize he doesn't get home until eight o'clock at night
Ladies, word to the wise
If your husbands are getting home at eight o'clock at night
From a nine to five job
And they don't work three states over
Either they're cheating on you
Or they're a secret agent
Think about that
You there, lady on the right
The one who my wife says always comments
On her outfit choices
And how they're inappropriate
For the schoolyard
If you weren't so damn fat
You could wear what my wife wears
To pick up our son
And your jealously is transparent
Lady in the green
You have a lesbian haircut
That haircut should only be on lesbians
And fighter pilots
Not that it's not a good look for you
If you're not a lesbian
But if you aren't?
Ouch
Lady in blue
Your child is not gifted
Your child is not over-intelligent
Your child is not advanced
Your child ate half of my son's crayons
And then half a bottle of paste
Trust me
She's not Madame Curie
Finally, Lady in Pink
Ringleader
The mastermind
The one who threw a Girls Night at her house
Then didn't invite my wife
You are a sad, lonely shrew
Who is going to be left by your equally awful husband
And you're going to die old and alone
Because, and this is coming from a guy who has dated his fair share of hideous women
Before being lucky enough to meet his stunning, stunning wife--
You're ugly
You're really, really ugly
And if people tell you that you're not
They're lying
Your husband's with you because your father gave him a job
And once he has enough money saved up
He's going to take off
Like a passenger jet
Now, believe it or not
That was me holding back
But tomorrow
When my wife shows up here again
I want you all to be really, really nice to her
Or I'm going to start picking Christopher up everyday
And we're going to get to be really good friends
Am I making myself clear?
Fantastic
I'll see you all at the bake sale
Oh, but Lady in the Green
If I were you?
I'd consider skipping this one
Since your cookies made everyone puke last year
Just a suggestion
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