Jane Eats Candy and Talks About John

So I text after five months
FIVE months
And he says--

Well, I'm with the wife

The WIFE

Like that's totally normal

We break up
I'm bedridden for two weeks
And five months later
He's got a WIFE
While I'm still waiting to go back
To eating solid food!

So what can I do?
I have to play along
I mean, I can't freak out
He'd just love that
He'd loooove me freaking out

That's why he said it so casually
'Ohhh, I'm here with my wife.  We're eating cubed cheese and laughing at this New Yorker article we just read.  Aren't we healthy adults?  Ha ha ha!'

So I have to immediately text back
Something calm
And yet also, sort of addressing the fact
That 'what the hell you have a wife nowareyoukiddingmedontactlikethatsnormal!'

So I text back--

'Glad to hear you're doing well'

Which sort of says it all

Oh my God, these things have peanut butter in them
I'm in love with these little balls
These little balls of comfort
I bet a woman invented these
No man could make anything this good

So he texts back--

'And how are you?  Are YOU okay?'

I felt like saying--

'Well, I WAS sort of getting slowly back to okay until you just dropped the WIFE bomb on me, you asshole.'

But instead I texted--

'Doing great smiley face'

And then I threw my phone in the toilet
Which was an irrational response
But whatever

It felt like I was throwing HIM in the toilet
And that felt good

It felt like I was throwing him in the toilet
And then fishing him out again
And begging him to work

Work
Work for me
With me
Come back to me
I need more chocolate

Do we have more chocolate?

Halloween was only five days ago
How can we already be out of--

You know what?

I think I need to talk
About something else