Paulina's Holiday Party

Hello to all of you
Customers of my store

Welcome to Paulina's Holiday Party
And Festival of Booshnita
Here at Paulina's Palace of Porn
And Container Shop

With special new privacy containers
That way nobody can see the filthy things
You creepy people are buying
At the store

Put on plastic gloves if you want eggnog!
Paulina does not want your pinunu-touching fingers
On her limited edition Vladimir Putin commemorative mugs!

Now--

In spirit of holiday
I would like to thank all of you perverts and sluts
For keep food on Paulina's table this year
And clothes on back

In old county, we not celebrate Christmas

A fat man breaking into our house
And eating our cookies
Was not called 'Christmas'
It was called--Uncle Boris Escaped from Labor Camp Again
Larry, Get the Spiked Bat

Good children did not get presents
And bad children did not coal
Good children got coal
Because it keeps you warm
During long winters
And you could draw little face on it
And pretend it was brother
Who went out picking berries
And never came back

God, how it warms my heart
To think of these fond memories

I remember Mama
Bent over a stove
Cooking the gruel mixed with yak liver
While all sixteen children
Swarmed around her
Asking to lick the bowl

Mama was a tired woman

Papa would come home at midnight
After working in fields all day
Then drinking at all twelve bars
In our little village
And if he was able to get inside
Before passing out on front stair
Then no beatings the next day
And there was much celebrating

All my brothers and sisters and I would huddle together
On the floor next to the can of burning trash with the word 'radiator' written on it
And wonder if we remembered to set the wolf traps
Before going to bed
Since my brother Ivan always smelled like pork
And would attract wild animals into the house
Like the village whore attracted my Uncle Boris
After he got done eating all our food

Speaking of whores--

I want to remind you ladies
That everything in Aisle Four is on sale
Including my newest shflya--

The Santa Baby

--Guaranteed to get
To the bottom of all your stockings

The Santa Baby has more electricity in it
Than the fence we used
To keep the Bolsheviks out of our tomato garden

But it is happy time for gentleman freaks too!

If you sign up for Paulina's 'Naughty List'
You get free spanking
After every hundred dollar purchase

What?

No, I will not be one
Doing the spanking!

As if Paulina would let her one of her vintage paddles
Touch your grotesque backsides

Nephew Nicholas will be doing spanking

He is cashier at Container Store
And will enjoy spanking you

I would say he will enjoy spanking you a little too much
But Paulina keeps family bones in pantry
As they say

For those of you godless gentlemen
Who prefer other gentlemen
I have box in back of store now
Labeled 'Straight to Hell'
And in it are many new and exciting things
For you to try

The most popular seller is called 'The Yeltsin'
Named after Yeltsin
And shaped like birthmark on his head

I won't say what you do with it
But I promise
That wherever you put it
Will be a much happier place

For you ladies, there is the 'Stalin'
Which is at half price off for holiday season
And which is guaranteed to make
Your trains run on time

But we save best for last!

For every filthy video you sickos buy
You get gift from purchase:

This picture of my Uncle Boris
On key chain

Picture was taken the day before
One of the wolves got into the house
And tore him up
The way Papa would tear up any newspaper
With word 'democracy' in it

I remember waking up that cold December morning
Finding him on the kitchen floor
Blood being all the everywhere
And thinking to self--

Is Christmas miracle!

May your Christmas
Be good as well
And may you all purchase many things
And then get the hell out of store
So I can wipe down with bleach
And say prayer for you
That the diseases infesting your pinunu's
Not take your lives
Until after you have maxed out all credit cards
Here at Paulina's Palace of Porn

This is my Christmas wish