We Might Be Heroes: Trust

(An interview room.  BRIAN, a government worker, is talking with JOE.)

BRIAN:  So you’re good at chess?

JOE:  I’m a world champion.

BRIAN:  You are?

JOE:  No, but yes, I’m good at it.

BRIAN:  I feel like—

JOE:  Like what?  Like you would know whether or not I’m a world champion?  Do you just happen to know the names of world champion chess players off the top of your head?

BRIAN:  It would have been in your file.

JOE:  What else is in my file?

BRIAN:  That’s confidential.

JOE:  My own file is confidential?

BRIAN:  Yes.

JOE:  Even to me?

BRIAN:  Even to you.

JOE:  That’s bizarre.

BRIAN:  Welcome to the government.

JOE:  So when do I kill the aliens?

BRIAN:  Mr. Burke, your powers don’t seem conducive to alien-killing.

JOE:  I can shoot lasers out of my eyes.  How is that not conducive?

BRIAN:  You haven’t been trained properly.  You could hurt someone.

JOE:  Yeah, the aliens.  I’m going to hurt the aliens.

BRIAN:  Or—one of us.

JOE:  Look, get me in a plane, aim me at the spaceships, and yell ‘Fire.’  I’ll do the rest.

BRIAN:  Have you ever tried out how far you can shoot the lasers out of your eyes?

JOE:  One time I took out a mailbox across the street.

BRIAN:  We have no reason to believe the aliens even need to come through our ozone to blow up our buildings.

JOE:  Okay, so try rockets.  Rocket me up to them.

BRIAN:  We don’t have rockets for that sort of thing.

JOE:  Um, I’m sorry, are these aliens not going to be blowing up the world?  Because that was my understanding, and I—

BRIAN:  I’d like to ask you about your mother.

(A beat.)

JOE:  Ohhh, okay.  I get what this is.

BRIAN:  When was the last time you spoke with her?

JOE:  Right before she fell off the map.  Probably the last time anybody spoke with her.

BRIAN:  You were--?

JOE:  How is this relevant?

BRIAN:  Your mother’s still on our Wanted list.  You know that, don’t you?

JOE:  I’m aware.

BRIAN:  And know you want to go inside a government agency and fight the good fight?

JOE:  I want to help because I can help.  That’s all.

BRIAN:  Mr. Burke, do you have any other abilities?  Aside from the laser-shooting?

JOE:  Don’t you watch X-Men?  They only give you one power.  I mean, if you’re a superhero.  If you have a few powers, usually you’re a villain.

BRIAN:  Why do you think that is?

JOE:  Because to beat somebody with lots of power, you need a bunch of people with a little power to join together.  It makes for a good story.

BRIAN:  There are people reviewing your case—

JOE:  People?  You mean it’s not just you?

BRIAN:  There are many people assigned to a case where multiple abilities are present.

JOE:  Wow.  Now I feel special.

BRIAN:  We think you may have other powers you’re not sharing with us.

JOE:  Like what?

BRIAN:  You tell me.

JOE:  Well, I can turn into a dolphin when there’s a full moon.  Does that count?

BRIAN:  Do you have any telepathic abilities, Mr. Burke?

JOE:  Are you asking if I can read your mind?

BRIAN:  Mine or the minds of others.

JOE:  I can’t read minds.

BRIAN:  But how do we know that?

JOE:  Well—I guess you can’t know that, but does it matter?  You need me.  You need what I can do.

BRIAN:  But to use you, we have to train you.  And to train you, we need to let you into some of the more private places in this and other agencies.

JOE:  And you’re scared I’m going to what—spy on all of you with my mind-reading abilities?

BRIAN:  Perhaps.

JOE:  Yeah, well, listen, man—if I want to know government secrets, I don’t need to be able to read minds.  I just need a computer and a fourteen-year-old boy with acne who knows how to crack a firewall.  You’re not as insulated as you think you are.  Turn on the news once in awhile.

BRIAN:  We need to be able to trust you.

JOE:  Who do you trust more?  Me or the little green men?

BRIAN:  They’re not green.

JOE:  It’s an expression.  Damn, are you totally devoid of personality?

BRIAN:  Mr. Burke—

JOE:  Are you a robot?  Did they send me to a robot?

BRIAN:  If you can read minds, that’s fine.  Well, it’s not fine, but it’ll have to do, because yes, we need your help.  But you need to show us that you’re on our side.

JOE:  Aren’t there only two sides—us versus the UFO’s?

BRIAN:  Things are more complicated than that.

JOE:  The world ends if we don’t stop them.  How is that complicated?

BRIAN:  Some people might not mind seeing the world end.

JOE:  Like who?

BRIAN:  Like your mother.  Like you, maybe.

JOE:  My mother was an anarchist, but she wasn’t suicidal.  She wanted to live to see the government brought down.  She wanted that very much.

BRIAN:  Do you know where she is?

JOE:  No.

BRIAN:  But you could find out.

JOE:  Don’t you have better things to worry about than finding one crazy lady right now?

BRIAN:  Yes, but if you helped us find her, then we’d be able to trust you.

JOE:  So you want me to turn in my mother and then help you shoot down flying saucers?  Dude, really?

BRIAN:  We need you to do this, Joe.

JOE:  I can’t do it.  I can’t read minds.  I told you that.

BRIAN:  And I said we don’t believe you.

(JOE stands up.)

JOE:  Look, I don’t have to fight.  If you want to be on your own—

BRIAN:  Actually, you do.

JOE:  What?

BRIAN:  You do have to fight.  I can’t allow you not to.

JOE:  But you said—

BRIAN:  We needed to encourage people to sign up.  You signed up.  Now you’re in it.  You’re in it and we need to know we can trust you.

JOE:  So you’re going to make me turn in my own mother?

BRIAN:  If you don’t know where she is, then you can’t turn her in.

JOE:  But you think I can find out.

BRIAN:  That’s what we believe, yes.

JOE:  I want to see a lawyer.

BRIAN:  This isn’t that kind of situation.

JOE:  You can’t—

BRIAN:  I can do whatever I want.  We’re beyond martial law at this point.  This is extermination time.  There is no scenario where you walk out of this room without giving me what I want.  If you leave, if you go off on your own, knowing what I just told you, you could be a real danger.  So you’re going to sit down, shut up, and tell me what I want to know.

(A beat.)

JOE:  Fine.

(JOE sits down.  He puts his hands on the table.  There is a moment.)

BRIAN:  Well?

JOE:  Well what?

BRIAN:  What—uh…

JOE:  You were saying how sorry you were that you can’t use.

BRIAN:  I…uh…yes, we’re very, uh—I’m sorry, your name is—

JOE:  What does it matter?  You can’t use me.

(He stands up.)

BRIAN:  Yes, I’m—sorry,  I just got this awful headache, I, uh—

JOE:  Don’t worry about it.

(He goes to leave.)

JOE:  Sorry I couldn’t be of service.

(He exits.  Lights.)