RHONDA: I think we
need to turn her in.
JO: I agree.
MISSY: She’s not a
rabid dog. She’s our friend.
RHONDA: Our neighbor.
MISSY: And our
friend.
RHONDA: Your
friend. I don’t even like her. And now that she’s a mutant—
MISSY: You know, you
sound like one of those villains from the X-Men movies.
RHONDA: Jo, what do
you think?
JO: Throw her in the
moat.
MISSY: What?
RHONDA: What Jo’s
saying is—she’s been hiding a secret from us, and now she wants our protection,
and I say, Screw that.
JO: Screw that.
RHONDA: Exactly.
MISSY: She can’t even
really do anything.
RHONDA: Missy,
please. She’s Doctor Freeze.
MISSY: It’s called
Mr. Freeze, and she can’t even freeze that much. The most I ever saw her freeze was this
cooler we took to the beach one time, and that was very helpful.
RHONDA: You’re blinded
by your affection for her.
MISSY: So what? Maybe I am.
At least I’m a compassionate and decent person. You want to burn her at the stake.
RHONDA: No, I don’t!
JO: Throw her in the
moat.
MISSY: Jesus, Jo,
where we gonna find a moat?
RHONDA: I want to
turn her over to the government so that they can help her.
MISSY: Help her
how? By turning her into a science
project?
RHONDA: You’re such a
conspiracy theorist, Missy. You watch
too much Investigation Discovery.
MISSY: Was I right about
the aliens?
RHONDA: Oh, come on.
MISSY: Jo, was I
right about the aliens?
JO: She was right about
the aliens.
MISSY: Thank
you. Thaaaaaaaaaaaank you.
RHONDA: You’re scared
of aliens but you’re not scared of the human popsicle next door?
MISSY: I’m not scared
of her, because she’s my friend.
RHONDA: She’s nobody’s
friend. She’s just biding her time until
she can take over the world.
MISSY: Why would she
want to take over the world when the aliens are going to destroy it anyway?
RHONDA: These aliens
might end up being nice people.
MISSY: Don’t you go
defending the aliens now!
RHONDA: I got no beef
with aliens.
MISSY: But you got beef
with Gina?
RHONDA: The aliens
never lied to me!
JO: ET phone home.
RHONDA: Thank you! ET was a nice alien. Find me an example of a nice person who could
turn their friends into ice cream if they wanted to.
MISSY: It’s nothing,
Rhonda. It’s like a—a—a parlor trick.
RHONDA: Yeah, well
she ain’t comin’ in my parlor.
MISSY: Nobody wants
to go in your parlor.
RHONDA: What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
MISSY: Nothing, I’m
just sayin’.
RHONDA: You sayin’ I
got a dirty parlor?
MISSY: I’m sayin’
your parlor don’t interest me.
RHONDA: You would
love to sit in my parlor.
MISSY: I’d rather sit
on a bed of nails than sit in your parlor.
RHONDA: Oh, you’re
gonna get it, Missy. You’re on thin ice.
MISSY: You better
just keep your mouth shut about Gina, you understand me?
RHONDA: Why are you
protecting her?
MISSY: Because I don’t
have many friends, and she’s one of them.
I’m not letting them send her into war just so she can throw some ice at
a couple of spaceships and get herself blown up.
(JO
makes spaceship sounds.)
RHONDA: You’re doing the
wrong thing.
MISSY: Oh, like you
never do?
RHONDA: I’m a honest
citizen, Missy.
MISSY: Oh yeah? Is that why you got an illegal tattoo parlor
in your basement?
RHONDA: That is a
legitimate enterprise.
MISSY: Well, I’m sure
the government would love to hear about it.
(A
beat.)
RHONDA: Fine. I’ll keep my mouth shut. But somebody’s gonna fine out, Missy.
MISSY: Well if I don’t
say anything and you don’t say anything, maybe we’ll be okay. You gonna say anything Jo?
JO: Throw her in the
moat.
MISSY: Yeah, I think
we’ll be good.
(Lights.)
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