How else would I fight?
I get mad
My body triples in size
And you’re wondering why I end up naked?
Well, uh, let’s think about this
Is there a fabric
That can fit both a human man
And a giant blue monster
The size of an elephant?
No
No, there’s not
Not even spandex has that capability
And people keep asking me
‘Well, can’t you get those pants the Hulk wears?’
People, the only reason the Hulk wears pants
Is because they can’t put a giant green penis
On the cover of a comic book
Parents would not be taking their children
To see a movie
Where a member of the team
Had his jolly green giant swinging around
As he’s battling aliens
Oh, and speaking of aliens
I could definitely kill some aliens
Like, I could kick some serious alien ass
Provided they actually come down here
And don’t just zap us from space
But that’s all contingent
On me being able to do my whole
Grow into a monster thing
And in order for that to happen
You all have to accept
That you’re going to see my Herbert Hoover
There’s simply no way around it
I mean, I guess on tv you can block it
Or blur it
Or whatever
But you are going to see it
And you can’t make me feel weird about it, okay?
I can’t be fighting aliens
Worried that all of you
Are uncomfortable
About the fact that I’m naked
Look, most of the superheroes you’re going to find
Are probably going to have to fight
Either mostly naked
Or totally naked
How easy do you think it is to get into some skintight suit
While people are screaming for your help?
And even if you could get into one
Why would you want to fight like that?
I can’t even wear briefs
Without walking around funny
And you want me to get dressed
In some painted on costume
With a cape
A CAPE?
Why?
Because it looks cool?
Because it makes you feel better?
Because then your kids have something to be for Halloween?
Dude, screw you
Seriously
I have a job to do
I have a war to win
I have alien ass to destroy
And I don’t plan on doing any of that with pants
So yes, you will see my alarmingly large genitalia
But you will also still have a planet
So please, just get over it
No comments:
Post a Comment