We Might Be Heroes: Immortality

(JEANA and ANDREW are waiting for a bus.  A moment passes.  JEANA looks at ANDREW.)

JEANA:  Are you going to DC?

            (A beat.)

ANDREW:  Yeah.  I mean, that’s where the bus is going, so—

JEANA:  But, like, are you going because you’re, you know—

ANDREW:  One of them?

JEANA:  Yeah.

ANDREW:  I mean, I think I am.

JEANA:  So what is it?  Your skill, I mean.

ANDREW:  My skill?  Um, well—

JEANA:  Can you fly?  I really want to meet someone who can fly.

ANDREW:  No, I can’t fly.  But, I, uh…

JEANA:  If you’re nervous, I’m, um—I can turn into water.  Like a puddle of water.

ANDREW:  What’s the point of that?

JEANA:  I don’t know.  What’s the point of—whatever the hell you do?

ANDREW:  I can’t die.

JEANA:  Excuse me?

ANDREW:  I can’t die.  I’m immortal.

JEANA:  Seriously?

ANDREW:  Yeah.

JEANA:  But, like, how do you know that?

ANDREW:  I don’t.  I mean, I don’t know it, but…I believe it.

JEANA:  Oh.  So you’re just crazy.

ANDREW:  I’m not crazy.

JEANA:  It’s fine.  This whole superhero recruitment program is bringing out a lot of crazy people.  My stepdad works at the prison, and he says all the inmates are claiming to have special powers because they know it’ll get them out of jail for a little while.

ANDREW:  I can’t die.

JEANA:  Have you ever actually tested that theory?

ANDREW:  Like—

JEANA:  Thrown yourself off a building?  Out of a window?  Out of a plane?

ANDREW:  I don’t think I can’t be killed.  I just think I can’t die.

JEANA:  Okay, well that’s totally pointless.

ANDREW:  What?

JEANA:  You’re saying as long as nothing bad happens to you, you won’t die.

ANDREW:  Yeah.

JEANA:  That’s not a super power, you idiot.  That’s true of everybody.

ANDREW:  Not really.

JEANA:  That’s like saying as long as a truck doesn’t hit me or some wacko doesn’t stab me to death, I’ll live forever.  Actually, that’s not ‘like’ saying that, that’s literally saying that.  Like, not figuratively.

ANDREW:  There are other things that could happen to you that would end your life aside from weird circumstances like those.

JEANA:  Like what?

ANDREW:  Like just—aging.  Sickness.  Natural stuff.

JEANA:  And you don’t think any of those are going to happen to you?

ANDREW:  I mean, I’ve been sick.  And I’ve gotten older.  But I don’t think I’m going to die from any of that.

JEANA:  And what makes you believe that?

ANDREW:  I don’t know.  It’s always been this thing in the back of mind, and then…When I heard about the aliens, and the possible war, I just thought—this is it.  This is what you’ve been feeling.  This is why you haven’t died.

JEANA:  Yeah, haven’t yet, but—Even if you’re not going to age or get sick, if you can be killed, then those aliens are going to kill you.

ANDREW:  You’re probably right.

JEANA:  Then why are you going to D.C.?  Shouldn’t you be hiding somewhere?

ANDREW:  Doing what?  Trying not to die?

JEANA:  Yeah!  I mean, if you really believe that you can live forever as long as you don’t get yourself killed, then why sign up to, you know, basically get yourself killed?

ANDREW:  Because maybe one day a truck will hit me or some guy will stab me or I’ll develop a food allergy and die in some chain restaurant because my fried chicken was cooked in peanut oil?  If I’m gonna go, I may as well go fighting aliens.  At least that’s badass.

JEANA:  What a waste.  Someone on the planet can live forever, and they’re throwing themselves in front of alien laser guns or beams or whatever.

ANDREW:  What?  You don’t think you’re going to die?  What are you going to do if the aliens try murdering you?  Are you just gonna turn yourself into a puddle and slip into the nearest body of water?

JEANA:  That’s not really my superpower.

ANDREW:  It’s not?

JEANA:  No, c’mon, dude.  A puddle?

ANDREW:  Hey, I don’t know.  Have you ever read a comic book?  There’s all kinds of weird powers.

JEANA:  Well, I didn’t get a weird one.  Mine’s pretty lame.

ANDREW:  Are you going to tell me what it is?

JEANA:  (Sighs.)  Give me your hands.

ANDREW:  You’re not going to zap me, are you?

JEANA:  Zap you?  I’m not Electro-Girl.

ANDREW:  I don’t know.  I’m just nervous.

JEANA:  Well, you should be nervous, but not for the reason you think.

ANDREW:  So what—

JEANA:  You should be nervous because I’m about to rain on your parade.

            (She takes his hands.)

ANDREW:  I don’t—

JEANA:  I can tell you the day you’re going to die.  The time.  The place.  And how.

            (A beat.)

ANDREW:  No.

JEANA:  No?

ANDREW:  No.  I don’t…I don’t want to—

JEANA:  I mean, it shouldn’t work on you, right?  If you’re not going to die.

ANDREW:  The aliens kill me.  I know that already.  So it’s just—

JEANA:  That’s not what I’m seeing.

            (A beat.)

ANDREW:  No?

JEANA:  No.

ANDREW:  Okay.

JEANA:  Do you want to know?

ANDREW:  I said I didn’t.

JEANA:  Because you thought you knew, but now you know you don’t know, so do you want to know?

ANDREW:  No.

JEANA:  But I have to tell you.

ANDREW:  Why?

JEANA:  Because if I don’t tell you then I’m useless.  My power is useless.

ANDREW:  What are you going to do?  Hold hands with the aliens and tell them when they’re going to die?  You going to freak them out so they get back in their spaceships and turn around to—

JEANA:  It’s tomorrow.

ANDREW:  What?

JEANA:  It happens tomorrow.

ANDREW:  But—that’s—

JEANA:  I mean, sometimes I’m off by a day—

ANDREW:  So it could happen the day after tomorrow?

JEANA:  Yeah.  (A beat.)  Or today.

ANDREW:  How?

JEANA:  You want to know how?

ANDREW:  Yes.

JEANA:  You said—

ANDREW:  To hell with what I said.  How do I die?

JEANA:  It’s quiet.  It’s soft.  It’s fast.

ANDREW:  But how—

JEANA:  And it’s not fighting aliens.  It’s not really anything at all, it’s just…One minute you’re here, and then…

ANDREW:  Oh.

            (A beat.)

How do you go?

JEANA:  I don’t know, I’ve never…I’ve never done myself.

ANDREW:  Why?

JEANA:  (Shrugs.)  I guess I’m a wimp.

ANDREW:  Guess there’s no point getting on the bus.

JEANA:  You should still get on the bus.

ANDREW:  Why?

JEANA:  Honesty?  Because I don’t want to ride alone.

ANDREW:  I thought I was going to be a hero.

JEANA:  How you die doesn’t tell me how you lived.  For all I know, you could already be a hero.

ANDREW:  I don’t’ think I am.

JEANA:  You didn’t think you were mortal either, and look how that turned out.

ANDREW:  Do you know what the last thing I say before I die is?

JEANA:  Yes.  (A short beat.)  You say—I look great in this dress.

ANDREW:  Really?

JEANA:  No, I’m just messing with you.  (He laughs, she laughs.  A short beat.)  You say, it’s all right.  Just that—it’s all right.

ANDREW:  Huh.  (A beat.)  Then I guess it’ll be all right then?

JEANA:  Yeah, I guess so.

            (They look at each other.  Lights.)