We Might Be Heroes: Are You Out There?

The aliens are coming

That’s the first thing you need to know

The aliens

Are

Coming

We know this

We know this for sure

And we’re, obviously, concerned

That they’re coming there to, uh, well, kill us

It just doesn’t seem likely that they’re coming here

To ask for a cup of sugar, you know?

We can see them, clearly, on the satellite

Their ships are very large

And pointy

Very pointy ships

And they’re red

Which is—

You know I can’t remember one movie where the alien spaceships are red

But these are red

And boy, being red really makes them look, uh, scary

So—now, we need a plan

The leaders of the world

Both terrorist and non-terrorist leaders

Have ceased all fighting

And are coming together

To either fight the aliens

Or commit mass suicide

We can see on the satellites that any traditional military effort on our part would be insufficient

They have hundreds—possibly thousands—of red pointy ships

To say that we would be outnumbered would be, uh, well, laughable, really

If the thought of humankind being exterminated is funny to you

Which, I guess, it could be, if you’re morbid, uh—

We in the U.S. have come up with an untraditional, or rather, unconventional

Idea

For fighting the aliens

Superheroes

Now, I know what you’re thinking

Superheroes don’t exist

Well, uh, up until last month

We thought aliens might not exist either

And clearly, we were wrong, so—

Is it possible that we could also be wrong about

Other things?

You see, I—and I’m just speaking for myself here—because, why not?  The world might be ending.  Why bother spinning it?  Uh…

I believe that one action brings about a second and equal reaction

Well, I don’t believe that, that’s just science, or whatever, but—

The point is

If aliens exist, and they’re coming, and they want to hurt us

Then someone has to be able to stop them

And if that someone or someone(s) is a superhero

Then that means that superheros

Have to exist

Now, you might be wondering—

Or saying to yourself—

If they exist

Why don’t we know about them?

And to that I say—Good question

And the only answer I can think of is—

Maybe they’re afraid

Maybe they’re scared that if they came forward

And made themselves, you know, available to the public

That we’d study them for science or something

Or maybe they’re just afraid of the responsibility

But we need them

We need heroes right now

And, I, as an American,

Meaning someone who was raised by television

Believe that if you just talk about something enough

Eventually it will come into being

Like the Zombie Apocalypse or the Full House reboot

So please—

Heroes, if you’re out there

We need you

It’s time