Vince's Secret Garden

(A theater.)

NARRATOR:  This is the story of Mary Lennox as played by a middle-aged, Italian man, and her sister, Sally Lennox, who we invented so the girl previously playing Mary would have something to do.

MARY:  Just don't stand in my light.  I need a lot of light.

SALLY:   I wish we were doing Jane Eyre so I could lock you in an attic.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally were born in India to British parents who loved Sally, but didn't care for Mary very much.

MARY:  Oh, like they're a picnic drinking all that tea and leaving me alone in my room with just the servants.

SALLY:  At least we have lots of toys.

MARY:  I told you before, don't touch my toys, you're going to get germs on them.

NARRATOR:  A cholera outbreak ends up killing everybody.

MARY:  See, what did I tell you?

NARRATOR:  But Mary and Sally survive.

SALLY:  Are you sure both of us survive?  Not just...one of us?

NARRATOR:  Unfortunately, both of your survive.

MARY:  It's because I use disinfectant.  You ever been to India at the turn of the 20th century?  Nobody washes their hands.  It's repulsive.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally are sent to live with their Uncle Archibald Craven in Yorkshire, England.

MARY:  Who is this guy?  Do I know him?

NARRATOR:  You've never met him.

MARY:  And I'm supposed to go live with him?  Did he pass a background check?

SALLY:  He's our uncle.

MARY:  Yeah, that's what they all say.

NARRATOR:  Mary is just as surly and mean as ever.

MARY:  Gee thanks, because Narrators are always the life of the party.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally befriend Martha the maid and Ben the gardener.

BEN:  Listen to that bird welcoming the morning.  It's going to be a shame when I eat her for lunch tomorrow.  Nice to see you again, Sally.  And, uh, hi Mary.

MARY:  Hey!  Be nice to me.  I lost my whole family to cholera.  They burned all my toys.  My rocking horse.  My dollhouse.  My wooden bathtub.

BEN:  What kind of kid has a wooden bathtub?

MARY:  What kind of person talks to birds like they're people?

SALLY:  Ben, I've heard that there's a mysterious garden our aunt used to tend to before she died.

BEN:  It's true, but nobody knows where it is.  She buried the key to it.

MARY:  Uh, correct me if I'm wrong here, but--could it possibly be hidden behind that giant wall with the door in it?  Just a hunch.

BEN:  (Sighs.)  Even if that...was where the garden is located...as I said, she buried the key.

MARY:  You people don't have battering rams?  What kind of fortress is this?

BEN:  It's not a fortress.  It's an English manor.

MARY:  Yeah, well, when the Scots invade, you people better have battering rams ready, because you're not going to be able to hide out in a secret garden if the only thing keeping it a secret are some vines in front of it.

SALLY:  The Scots aren't going to invade, Mary.

MARY:  That's what the Trojans said about the Athenians.

SALLY:  You're all mixed up.

MARY:  It's the cholera.

SALLY:  You don't have cholera.  You'd be dead if you did.

MARY:  Stop telling me what I have!

BEN:  I'll be out on the moors.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally also get to know Dickon.

MARY:  That can't be his name.

NARRATOR:  It is definitely his name.

MARY:  And they call this a kids book?

NARRATOR:  He is TWELVE so maybe we could just--get it together?

MARY:  Okay, sorry.  I didn't name him.

DICKON:  I'm Dickon.  I spend a lot of time on the moors.

MARY:  What are all these moors everybody's talking about?

DICKON:  They're like cliffs.

MARY:  Then just say cliff.  You're all walking around talking about moors and manors like we're playing Clue at Wuthering Heights.

DICKON:  I don't understand any of what you just said, but I hope we can be friends.

SALLY:  You're very handsome, Dickon.

MARY:  Hey, hey, hey--ease up on the Dickon talk, all right?

SALLY:  I'm just being kind to the servants.

MARY:  I know what you're up to, and you better take it down a notch before you give the whole house cholera.

SALLY:  That's now cholera works.

DICKON:  I made friends with a ladybug yesterday.

MARY:  Oh great, he talks to animals too.  Everybody here is Dr. Freakin' Doolittle.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally discovered the key to the secret garden and let themselves in.

MARY:  This place is a pigsty.  Weeds everywhere.  We should just burn the whole thing to the ground.

SALLY:  No, that would be awful.  Our aunt loved this place.

MARY:  Oh, now you're against burning things?  Where were you when my wooden bathtub went up in flames?

NARRATOR:  That night, Mary and Sally heard strange noises throughout the manor.

MARY:  It's probably the pipes.  I went to turn on the shower last night and it sounded like a raccoon was trying to eat its way out of a sardine can.

DICKON:  I love raccoons.  I keep one under my bed.

MARY:  Okay, new plan, Sally, no more talking to Dickon.

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally discovered that the sound was coming from their cousin Colin who was bed-ridden with a mysterious spinal disease.

COLIN:  You two have to be my new best friends.

MARY:  The hell I do.

SALLY:  Mary--

MARY:  Who does he think he is just laying there telling me what to do.  I feel like I'm being bossed around by a homosexual gremlin.

COLIN:  I'll have you beaten for saying such a thing.

MARY:  You're a selfish beast.

COLIN:  You're a cruel temptress.

MARY:  Temptress?

SALLY:  I think he secretly likes you.

MARY:  That's perverse.  We're cousins.

SALLY:  It didn't matter back when this was written.  You actually end up marrying him.

MARY:  Again--THEY LET CHILDREN READ THIS?

NARRATOR:  Mary and Sally took Colin out to the secret garden--

MARY:  Not really a secret anymore, is it?

NARRATOR: --Where he realized that he could walk after all.

MARY:  What did I tell you?  A little faker.  Just like Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka and the Cocoa Plant.

NARRATOR:  It's the Chocolate Factory.

MARY:  I know what I said!

NARRATOR:  Mrs. Medlock discovered the children in the garden and was so happy to see that Colin was well again.

MRS. MEDLOCK:  Sally, you've worked a miracle.  Mary, you...Well, you were here I suppose.

MARY:  Real nice, Medlock.

COLIN:  If only my father could see me like this.

MRS. MEDLOCK:  He can.  He's looking down at you from his window.

COLIN:  Father!  (Waving.)  Father, I'm well again!

MARY:  'Well' might be a stretch.  I think he's got a touch of la femme de fancy, if you know what I'm talking about.

MRS. MEDLOCK:  Sally, you can stay here as long as you like.  Mary, we're sending you to an orphanage in America.

MARY:  Sounds good to me.  Is it one of those orphanages where there's lots of singing and redheaded chicks?

MRS. MEDLOCK:  Uh, sure.

MARY:  Well, there you go.  Happy ever after.

NARRATOR:  The End

The End