A Zombie and a Gentleman

I just like that we can hang out

And I don’t feel pressured

To do stuff

You know what I mean?

I mean, we do stuff

But after he’s done eating human flesh

He just likes to get chained up

In front of the couch

While he growls at the tv

Which is such a relief

Because after I’m done going over the accounts

At the office all day

The last thing I want to do

Is be around the living

That was why when my friend Mandy said

She wanted to introduce me

To this guy
But did I care that he was a zombie

I was like--

Um, no I don’t care AT ALL

I’ve dated the living for years

And where did that get me?

I wanted to ask Mandy

If a zombie could steal my credit card

And use it to buy his ex-wife

A new tattoo

Instead I just took down

Grumble’s number

I call him Grumble

I have no idea if that’s his real name

When I met him

He couldn’t talk

And one of his arms was missing

But he had on a really spiffy shirt

When he died

So he still came across as being, like,

Very stylish

Very put-together

I sort of lovingly nicknamed him Grumble

And when I called him that

One of his eyes popped out

And I was just like--

Oh my god, it’s a sign

And the next thing I know

We’re headed to Vegas

Yeah, I don’t waste any time

When I see something I like

I either marry it or put it in my cart

I could tell Grumble wasn’t going to be on the market long

He still owned the house he had

When he was alive

Because he didn’t have any relatives

His fridge still had some Halo Top in the freezer

And his cable bill was paid up

Two months in advance

You do not sit on your hands

When you meet a man like that

Our first date was six months ago

And we have been so happy ever since

People are always saying--

Isn’t it weird being with a zombie?

And I go--

Um, mind your business

AND no it’s not weird

As long as I remember

To Febreeze him

Every now and again

There are literally no problems

With this arrangement

Does he ever try to bite me?

Yeah, sometimes, maybe

But only if I don’t pull my hand away

When I’m feeding him the mannequin parts

Covered in ground up pork

It’s not good for him

His complexion gets worse

If he doesn’t eat actual flesh

But it’s so hard to come by these days

What with Uncle Sam

Telling us how we can live

And what kind of meat we can buy

From despotic countries

I feel like so many people

Want to stand in the way

Of our happiness

When all I want to do

Is be married to the man of my dreams

And all he wants to do

Is eat people

And lumber around with his arms out

It’s really sad

That a woman and a zombie
Can’t just live their--my--life

Without all this judgment

Every night

When I trick him

Into going down to the basement

So I can put him

In the cage I bought online

So he wouldn’t keep escaping

I look deep into that eye

And I think--

Wow, how did I ever get so lucky?