Possible Field Trips

A one-day excursion

To the Rubik’s Cube factory

Where each kid will get to make

Their own Rubik’s Cube

Which will promptly be sold

To a consumer

Thereby teaching them

About capitalism

And child labor laws

An afternoon trip to the theater

To see a production of Arcadia

Which we thought was a Shakespeare play

But which is, apparently, not a Shakespeare play

Which means we haven’t covered it at all in class

Which means we’ll have to adjust the curriculum

Which means we won’t get to The Glass Menagerie

Which means the children will never know

Who Tom Wingfield is

Or why he’s so upset

An overnight trip

To the home of noted 1920’s serial killer

Emson F. Donaldson

Who managed to murder everyone in his town

Over the course of three years

Using nothing but a salad fork

The children can visit all eight hundred murder sights

And partake in the reenactment of Emson’s last murder

Wherein he cornered the town’s final resident

A chicken plucker named Morris Conreebal

At Conreebal’s favorite henhouse

As they fall asleep

The sounds of screams will lull them into slumber

As the howls of the dead

Are piped through speaker systems

Placed throughout the town

This trip covers history, supernatural studies,

And important self-defense techniques

If they ever find themselves

Trapped in front of a henhouse

While being attacked by a salad fork-wielding maniac

A morning walk to the nearest donut shop

Where the children can look at donuts

And explain their allergies

To the people who make the donuts

And think about what kind of donuts they would eat

If they could be allowed to eat donuts

Without fear of an allergic reaction

To any of the hundred ingredients inserted

Into the modern gourmet donut

This trip offers insight into the culinary arts

And teaches us to be sensitive

To those who are allergic to various ganaches

A weeklong bike ride

On the back of a motorcycle

Where each child will be paired

With their very own Hell’s Angel

And get to experience a ride

From Houston to Detroit

All the while hearing the Angel’s interesting

And most likely problematic political views

Not to mention getting to spend six nights

In a variety of run-down motel rooms

And three meals a day

In diners that are on the verge of being shut down

Due to major sanitary code violations

This field trip covers bicycle safety

Public health, geography

And when they return

We’ll have a schoolwide assembly

To watch Easy Rider

Provided we get clearance

From the school board

Since the film has an R-rating

An overseas trip for the seniors

To the royal wedding

Of Prince Von Hein

Which will lead to a revolution

Where the seniors will learn

About upheaval

And dissidence

And the cost of wealth

In the modern age

Any student who actively helps

To topple the Von Hein monarchy

Will get extra points on their final exam

And will be excused from writing a paper

On their experience

Optional field trips during the spring semester

May include the following:

Kayaking in Appalachia

A Visit to the Local Tattoo Parlor

Setting Up Shop at a Sunday Flea Market

Wrestling with Grizzly Bears
Making a Documentary About Wrestling with Grizzly Bears

The Cheese Stands Alone: A Day at the Dairy Farm

Hanging Out on a Street Where Dylan Thomas Once Puked

All of these are enrichment activities

That help break up the monotony

Of day-to-day lesson plans

And give educators an opportunity

To give their students a glimpse

Into what could possibly be the real world

Depending on what their plans are

For after graduation

One student seems to be very interested

In Rubik’s Cubes

And was so enthusiastic

About the idea

Of seeing how they’re made

And where

And which colors go on which squares

She was slightly disappointed

To learn that she couldn’t keep the cube

Without paying the retail price

But learning how to be let down

Is sometimes

The most valuable lesson

Of them all