When All the Other Girls Got Boobs

She got boobs first

Her, over there

She was the first one

I still don’t have them yet

I’m the last one

She and I have nothing in common

I have more in common

With her, over there

Because she just got them

After Christmas break

But now even she’s being weird to me

And I know why

I think maybe I won’t get them at all

Because my mom doesn’t have them

Not really

And she was saying that doesn’t mean anything

But I still won’t speak to her

Because why would you bring a child into this world

Who can’t have boobs?

I just think that’s wrong

Nobody had boobs

Until the beginning of the school year

And then her, over there?

She came in with them

And I was like--

What is going on?

We are in fifth grade

What is she doing with boobs?

So, like, for awhile there

She was the one on the outside

Because even though it was cool

That she had boobs

She was the only one

And so, yeah, the boys were, like, being gross to her

But other than that

There really weren’t

Any perks at all

Then that other girl over there got them

And then, like, a week later

Those two girls got them

And it was like--an explosion

And I’m sitting here going--

Oh my god

I’m not going to get them

And then my friend

Who sits next to me

She was like--

I’m not going to get them either

Don’t worry

But then she totally got them

And now she won’t even eat lunch with

And the boys went from teasing the girls with boobs

To teasing the only girl who doesn’t have them

And that’s me

My dad says that there are hormones in milk

That’s making girls get boobs now

When they used to get them

When they were in their thirties or something

So I started drinking lots of milk

Like a crazy amount of milk

And that’s how I figured out I’m lactose intolerant

So now I don’t have boobs

AND I can’t eat ice cream

And all the other girls are better looking than me

And Dad is bald

So if I get those genes

I’m going to be totally screwed

My mom and dad keep telling me

How pretty I am every day

And my mom’s been doing this thing

Where she cuts out pictures of flat-chested models

And leaves them on my desk

So I see them when I get home from school

I won’t say that’s not nice

But I also won’t say it makes me feel better

Because it really doesn’t

What does make me feel better

Is that I know I have better hair

Than all the other girls

Like, it’s practically not even a contest

My hair is amazing

Which is why I’ll be so upset if I lose it

Like my Dad did

If I get to keep my hair

And I never get boobs
I guess I can live with myself

Because nobody’s perfect

And some people peel off dead skin
And eat it

And I won’t say who does that

But she sits right over there

That means I’m doing better

Than most people I think

And that’s why I keep coming to school

And waking up

And talking to all these idiots every day

But it doesn’t mean
I have to be happy

About any of it

I told my mom that

And she was like--

Oh, but I want you to be happy

And I was like--

Are YOU happy?

And let me tell you something

That shut her up

Pretty quick