The Hansel and Gretel Press Roll-Out

You’re doing 60 Minutes

In two days

I think you’re in the A Block

But I might be wrong about that

It depends on what happens

Between now and then

Two kids exiled by their parents

Into the woods

And kidnapped by a pagan

Living in a diabetes hut

Is good

But these days…

Your father was on The Today Show

He was saying that you’re not being truthful

About why he kicked you out of the house

He says your stepmother had nothing to do with it

That you were--

That he just suggested

You go for a walk

And the only reason he didn’t call the authorities

When you didn’t come back that night

Was because he thought a wolf ate you

Your stepmother is saying that both of you

Are making up your story entirely

Even though we have the gingerbread samples

You provided

And they do match bits of other kinds of bread

We’ve collected near the bodies

Of other murdered witches

Your stepmother is also insinuating

That you two had an...inappropriate relationship

For two siblings

Although the media doesn’t want to go anywhere near that

Not the reputable media, anyway

The fringe circuit is eating it up

Reddit is exploding with theories

That the real Hansel and Gretal were killed in the woods

And that you two are changelings

Sent back from the forest

To destroy humanity

Someone even recreated the breadcrumb trail

And determined that it was impossible

For all those crumbs to be eaten by birds

But obviously we’re going to refute that

We’re going to refute all of it

And as long as you two stay on message

I think we’ll be fine

You’re survivors

You’re victims

You’re heroes

Just keep falling back on the talking points
And do not admit that you willingly entered the house

Because the focus group says if you went in voluntarily

Sympathy for you goes down significantly

Nobody cares if you were cold or hungry

People want to believe that they would have the good sense

To recognize a witch’s house if they saw one

And you not knowing what it was

The minute you saw it

Means people think you’re dumb

And nobody feels bad for dumb people

Even dumb children

Gretel, I need the pigtails back

They love you with the pigtails

Hansel, the overalls

That’s your look

We talked about this

You never take those off

You two are growing way too fast

For the narrative we’re trying to create here

And if we can’t do something about that

Then we’re in deep shit

Because ‘Teens Nearly Eaten by Candy Woman’

Is not a story I can run with

And I can run with just about anything

Do not talk about eating the candy

Everybody knows you don’t eat candy

Given to you by a stranger

Let alone a stranger in the woods

So if you admit to eating that candy

We are screwed

Because at that point

You’ve essentially confessed

To kind of maybe giving consent

Which is all the consent you need

For public damnation

And no, it doesn’t matter

That once you found out she was a witch

You wanted to leave

If you went in the gingerbread house

Of your own free volition

Then everything after that--

Including her trapping Hansel

And trying to fatten him up for consumption

--Is fair game

Speaking of which--

We need to talk about your weight

The both of you

How much you weigh

You’re entirely too skinny

Skinny is great

But too skinny isn’t fun to watch

And we need you to be

Fun to watch

So I’m going to ask you

To eat this bucket of chicken
And when you’re done

I want you to stick out your fingers

And let me feel them

So I know you’re putting on some pounds

Because my eyes aren’t what they used to be

This is the price of fame, kids

If you want to eat the candy

You gotta get in the cage