When You're Back in Town

     (Two phone calls.)

FRIEND:  Hello?

VISITOR:  Hey!

FRIEND:  Oh hey!  What's up?

VISITOR:  I'm here.

FRIEND:  Here where?

VISITOR:  Uh, at the airport.

FRIEND:  Which airport?

VISITOR:  The one in Antarctica.  The one down the road from you?

FRIEND:  Oh, we don't have roads here, so--

VISITOR:  Remember I told you I was--

FRIEND:  Oh my gosh, you did, didn't you?  Wait, is it Friday?

VISITOR:  Uh, yeah it is.

FRIEND:  Is it the 29th?

VISITOR:  Yeah.

FRIEND:  IS IT NOVEMBER?

VISITOR:  ...Yes.

FRIEND:  Wow, I am so sorry.  I have just been--Wow, I've been swamped.  Literally, we were looking at swamp samples the other day and--

VISITOR:  They have swamps here?

FRIEND:  No, but we're trying to create a swamp.

VISITOR:  Why?

FRIEND:  No idea.  Bees or something.  Science, right?

VISITOR:  Um, so--but like--do you still want to get together?

FRIEND:  Uhhhhhhh god, I mean, ugh, I know, you came all the way here--

VISITOR:  Yeah.

FRIEND:  --To Antarctica.

VISITOR:  Yeeeeeah.

FRIEND:  I just--God, I am so sorry.  This week has just been--

VISITOR:  Yeah, I mean, it kind of took me a week to get here.

FRIEND:  I know.

VISITOR:  But you said you'd love to see me--

FRIEND:  I would!  Oh my god, I would LOVE to see you.

VISITOR:  Well.  (A beat.)  I'm here.

FRIEND:  Yeah.  How long are you here again?

VISITOR:  Uh.  Just, like, tonight.  There really aren't hotels here or anything, so--

FRIEND:  Yeah.

VISITOR:  Didn't realize that when I planned the rest of the trip, so--

FRIEND:  I should have mentioned--

VISITOR:  No, it's totally not your fault.

FRIEND:  Right, but--

VISITOR:  I mean, if I could, like, I guess, crash at your place or--

FRIEND:  Oh, yeah, you know, I don't know if you know this, but I live with the other scientists?

VISITOR:  Right.

FRIEND:  It's just, like, super awkward to have...non-scientists here.

VISITOR:  I mean, I'm a botanist.

FRIEND:  Yeah, that's not--I mean, that is a science, but it's not like the science we do, you know?  Not that it's not a real science.  It's just not a science anybody cares about.

VISITOR:  I could crash on the couch--

FRIEND:  We don't have a couch.

VISITOR:  Where do you sit?

FRIEND:  It's, like, really close quarters, so we just sit on the bed.  The one bed.  There are, like, five of us and we all--It's really weird, but, you know, it's the polar vortex or whatever--so we just all crash in the same bed together, and, like, sometimes stuff happens, but usually we don't, because it scares the penguins.

VISITOR:  They have penguins here?

FRIEND:  I think so?  I can't remember which pole has which.  Is this the one with the bears?

VISITOR:  It's just--I mean, it's not a big deal, but you were kind of like--Oh, if you come here, you can stay with me--

FRIEND:  Yeah, and I mean, I definitely FEEL that way?  But, um, now that it's time to actually DO it?  How I FEEL?  Is like...It's like Ew, why did I say that?  You know what I mean?  Like, ugh, I'm so dumb.  I have so much going on.  Where would I put the swamp water while you're here?  The entire residence is basically just swamp water and a bed with five scientists in it.  And the pool table, but, like, obviously you're not going to sleep on that.

VISITOR:  Okay, well, I guess I could just...go home.

FRIEND:  Ugh, I feel so bad.  Maybe you could like--hit me up again when you're back in town?

     (A beat.)

VISITOR:  You mean when I'm back in...Antarctica?

FRIEND:  Yeah!  Are you coming back anytime soon?  Like in the near future?

VISITOR:  Uh...No.  Hadn't--hadn't planned on it.

FRIEND:  Okay.

VISITOR:  Did you really just ask me that?

FRIEND:  I mean--

VISITOR:  It took five planes and two boats to get here.  And a dogsled, which I didn't even know was still a thing.

FRIEND:  I get that you're mad, but, like, things come up, plans change--

VISITOR:  I FLEW TO ANTARCTICA!

FRIEND:  And that was so awesome of you, and, like, trust me, if I could go back in time and talk to the me who was like You should come here! I'd be like Why are you saying that you stupid idiot?  You're going to be so tired next week doing all that swamp stuff and spooning the other scientists.  Don't tell them to come visit.  But, like, the me I was last week is not the me I am now, and I can only apologize on behalf of that me and not present me, because present me is innocent in all this.

VISITOR:  Okay, well if I can't crash here, can you at least come to the airport and say hi?

(A beat.)

FRIEND:  Ugh, I'm just...so beat, you know?

VISITOR:  Um, so am I.  I've been traveling for days.

FRIEND:  Right, ugh, and like, I'm so sorry on your behalf, or my behalf, but, like, it doesn't change how I'm feeling at this moment, and today is sort of a self-care day for me so--

VISITOR:  So you're not even going to do the bare minimum when it comes to--

FRIEND:  I could, like, send you a selfie of me if that'll--

VISITOR:  No.

FRIEND:  Or we could Facetime?

VISITOR:  No.

FRIEND:  Do you want to maybe plan for next month provided I feel like it when the time comes which I really won't know about until a few hours before?

VISITOR:  YOU ARE SO INCONSIDERATE.

     (A beat.)

FRIEND:  Okay, yelling is not called for and I hope there are no penguins where you are.

VISITOR:  No, thank you.

FRIEND:  I really don't want you to be mad.

VISITOR:  Then let me sleep on your pool table and mildly inconvenience you.

FRIEND:  Okay, I guess it's fine if you're mad.

VISITOR:  Good-bye.

     (VISITOR hangs up.)

FRIEND:  Wait, are there flowers in a swamp?

     The End