Don't Go to the Treehouse

I decided to go

Sit in this stupid treehouse

With this guy

And the guy became a boyfriend

And the boyfriend became a husband

And the husband became an ex-husband

And, uh…

Before I went to the treehouse

There were two guys

At a party

One was, um, nice

Very clearly, uh

The nice guy

And the other one

Was the--

Not a bad guy

But the ‘of the moment’ guy

And the thing about the--

When you meet

An ‘of the moment’ guy

Is that you know

Instinctively

That that guy

Only exists

In that moment

And I would say

For me

The greatest temptation

That I keep running into

In my life

Is being faced

With the choice of

Long-term comfort

Or brief ECSTASY

True, unparalleled, just--

Joy

And I have

A really hard time

Saying ‘No’

To joy

So the of the moment guy

Asked if I wanted to go

See this treehouse

That was, like, outside his mom’s house

Twenty minutes away

And the suggestion was so random

And so, like, something a serial killer

Would say

And the nice guy

He asked

If he could bring me home

And I remember thinking--

Well, he can bring me home

Anytime

You know?

That’s what you think

That’s what I think

That the good choice

Will always be there

But the great choice

Will not

Which is--not wrong

Life doesn’t give you

Good and bad

It gives you ‘great’

And ‘okay’

And it makes you understand

That great turns to shit

And good turns to okay

And which do you want

And for how long

And yes, there is a happy ending

But that’s only if you hit

A series of seventy-five buttons

In just the right order

And if you have great self-control

And you’re smart

And you’re savvy

And you do not have any interest

In being more than just

Happy

I went to the treehouse

And I had

A really good time

That night

In the treehouse

It was everything

I thought it would be

When I went

Romantic

Silly

Sweet

Cinematic

I was ecstatic

Then I went home

And I immediately

Went on my phone

Trying to track down

The nice guy

On social media

To start, what I thought,

Was the logical next step was--

Okay, I had the, uh--

Ecstatic experience

Now I will have

The more mature experience

And that, my friend,

Is called--

Trying to have your cake

In a treehouse

While a sensible salad

Is crying at home

Because you confirmed

The belief

That people will invariably

Choose the wrong thing

Over the right thing

And so the only solution

Is for all of us

To become

Wrong

I tracked the nice guy down

And he was nice

And a week later

He found someone nice

Against the odds

And they became nice together

And they’re still nice together

And I’m here with you

And all I can tell you

Here, at the end of this

Ridiculous fucking story is--

Don’t go to the treehouse

Never--

Go to the treehouse

You got me?