Sex for the End of the World

(ALEXIS and AARON stumble into a bedroom ripping each other’s clothes off.  AARON may already have his shirt off and ALEXIS may be straddling him like a koala bear.  Then they stop.)

ALEXIS:  Wait!  Wait, wait, wait!

AARON:  What?

ALEXIS:  Do you have condoms?

AARON:  The world’s going to end in, like, four hours.

ALEXIS:  Oh my God, you’re right.  Who cares about condoms?

AARON:  To hell with condoms!

ALEXIS:  It’s so weird because I’m normally super uptight about that kind of stuff.  The whole going-to-a-bar-and-taking-home-a-guy situation isn’t really my thing, but I figured, Hey, I could be dying soon, who cares?  But, just out of curiosity, do you know if you have Chlamydia?

AARON:  I might.  I’m a total manwhore.  I sleep with everybody.  I could have all sorts of awful diseases incubating in my body right now just waiting to be born.  Take your pants off.

ALEXIS:  Are you being serious?

AARON:  About your pants or the diseases?

ALEXIS:  The second thing.

AARON:  Look, it—

ALEXIS:  You’re right!  It doesn’t matter!  It doesn’t matter at all!  Sex at the end of the world—Whoo!

AARON:  This is going to be the best sex ever.

ALEXIS:  I know, right?  Sex without consequences.  It’s totally ideal.

AARON:  If I had a condom right now, I would rip it apart right in front of you just because I can.

                (He starts kissing her neck.  She gives into the passion.)

ALEXIS:  Oh my God, I hope you give me something awful!

AARON:  I hope I get you pregnant!

ALEXIS:  I hope I get so pregnant!

AARON:  I hope you get pregnant with twins!

ALEXIS:  Wait, stop!

                (He stops.)

AARON:  What?

ALEXIS:  What if the world doesn’t end?

AARON:  It’s going to.

ALEXIS:  It might not.

AARON:  They said it was.

ALEXIS:  They said they were eighty percent sure.

AARON:  Yeah.  Eighty percent.  That means it’s going to happen.

ALEXIS:  What about that other twenty percent?

AARON:  Don’t worry about the other twenty percent.  The other twenty percent doesn’t even matter.

ALEXIS:  It matters if we have sex right now and you get me pregnant and give me gonorrhea.

AARON:  Look, we could die any minute.  If you want, I can run to CVS and get condoms, but if I die buying condoms, and twenty million years from now, when the future alien explorers are digging up our fossils, they find my skeleton holding a calcified box of condoms, they’re going to be like ‘Who the hell was this idiot buying condoms when the world was about to end?’

                (A beat.)

ALEXIS:  You’re absolutely right.  Let’s do it.

AARON:  Yes!

ALEXIS:  But wait—

AARON:  Oh God.

ALEXIS:  What about the emotional…stuff?

AARON:  What emotional stuff?  We’re going to die!

ALEXIS:  We’re probably going to die.

AARON:  Fine, probably.  Still!

ALEXIS:  It’s just—we could die…together.  Like, in bed, together.  Four hours from now, we could be lying together, holding each other, and then the comet hits and that’s…it.  You and me.  Together.

AARON:  Yeah, and?

ALEXIS:  You don’t even know me.  Do you really want to die next to me?

AARON:  Oh my God, really?  You’re friggin’ beautiful.  I would be honored to die next to you.

ALEXIS:  Are you saying that just because you want to get in my pants and it’s too late to find anybody else to have sex with?

AARON:  Yes—and no.  Everything you just said is true and I would be honored to be with you when humanity as we know it ceases to exist.

ALEXIS:  Really?

AARON:  Yeah, really.

ALEXIS:  So when the future alien explorer archeologists come and they find us in bed with each other like those two old people in The Notebook—

AARON:  Future alien Christopher Columbus will probably be like, Wow, what a lucky guy.  Look who he died with.  That girl skeleton is totally hot.

ALEXIS:  That’s very sweet.

AARON:  I also want him to say—‘How the hell did they get in that position?’

ALEXIS:  I’m Alexis.

AARON:  I’m Sigmund.

ALEXIS:  Really?

AARON:  No, I just thought it’d be hot if we didn’t use our real names.

ALEXIS:  So you went with Sigmund?

AARON:  Yeah, bad choice.  I’m Aaron.

ALEXIS:  Much better.

AARON:  Since this is going to be ideal sex, is there anything you should tell me that you might normally be afraid to say since you’d be worried about what I’d think of you after?

ALEXIS:  Yes.  Don’t touch my ears, don’t bite anywhere, don’t try lifting me up and doing anything with me up against a wall, or on my bureau, or any sort of counter.  In fact, avoid the kitchen and bathroom altogether, and let’s just utilize the bedroom.  Don’t talk dirty, but don’t compliment me too much either, because that makes me feel weird.  No smacking of anything.  If I hear a smack, I immediately think of tennis, and my tennis instructor was my aunt, and that’ll just kill everything.  Don’t try integrating food into this—but since we’ve already established that you’re not going into the kitchen, I don’t think that’ll be a problem.  Don’t call me nicknames—unless it’s babe, I don’t mind babe, I should, but I don’t—but everything else—No.  No honey, no sweetie, no mommy—oh my God, absolutely no Mommy, what is wrong with people who do that, ew, no.  Anyway—no pinching.  I know, you’re like, who pinches?  But some people pinch.  Don’t pinch.  Especially my boobs.  Be really careful around my boobs.  They’re super sensitive.  I don’t know.  I had them checked, but they’re just that way, so just be careful with them.  Also, I’m a little scared every time I see a guy’s—you know—for the first time, so if I make a face, just be aware that it probably has nothing to do with you personally, it’s just that sort of adjusting that I’m doing within my own mind.  Okay, that’s about it, any questions?  Still want to do stuff?

AARON:  Is there anything left to do?

ALEXIS:  I’m sure we’ll find some loopholes.

                (She kisses him.  He stops her.)

AARON:  Wait.

ALEXIS:  Oh my God, you do have chlamydia.

AARON:  No, it’s just, um…can you do me a favor?

ALEXIS:  Maybe.  What is it?

AARON:  Can you say ‘I love you?’

ALEXIS:  What?

AARON:  It’s just that, um, I’ve—the whole ‘I sleep with everybody’ thing was just me being stupid.  I actually—I mean, I’m not a prude, but…I’ve never actually done this…ever.

ALEXIS:  How is that—What?

AARON:  Well, up until two days ago when the news said there was a comet hurtling towards us, I was sort of very religious and, um, waiting…you know…until…yeah.

ALEXIS:  Oh my God.  So you’ve never—

AARON:  No, and that’s—fine.  I mean, it’s really—I mean, what are you going to do, right?  But, um, I figure, I don’t want to die a virgin, but I also don’t—Uh, it would be really nice if I could at least hear somebody say that to me, either before or after or during or whatever—

ALEXIS:  Wow.

AARON:  I mean, obviously you don’t have to mean it, it would just—

ALEXIS:  I love you.

                (A beat.)

AARON:  Okay.

ALEXIS:  And?

AARON:  And what?

ALEXIS:  Aren’t you going to say it back?

AARON:  Do you want me to?

ALEXIS:  No, I’d like our love to be unrequited.  Of course I want you to say it back!

AARON:  Okay, okay!  Annie—

ALEXIS:  Alexis.

AARON:  Alexis—I love you.

                (A beat.)

ALEXIS:  You know, it’s crazy, but…um…that actually does feel really good.

AARON:  Yeah.  I know—me too.  Hearing it and saying it.

ALEXIS:  It just feels nice.

AARON:  Really nice.

ALEXIS:  Thank you for, um, letting me be the, you know…sexy skeleton.

AARON:  Thanks for giving me all those rules to follow otherwise I’d be worried about not knowing what to do.

ALEXIS:  You know, maybe if that twenty percent chance kicks in, we can do this again sometime.

AARON:  Or maybe we’ll have to get married in the event that you get pregnant.

                (A beat.)

ALEXIS:  Screw Columbus, go get the condoms.

AARON:  I was just thinking that.

ALEXIS:  Tell you what—I’ll go with you.  That way if it hits while we’re there, we can at least be holding hands in the condom aisle.  Sound like a plan?

AARON:  Yeah—sounds like we’re pretty well-prepared.

                (She gives him a kiss on the cheek.  They exit.)