What Your Husband Doesn't Know

Your husband doesn't know
How you make those cookies
Does he?

I mean, does he ask you?
Does he even bother to ask you
What you put in them?

He assumes you bake them
And make them correctly
To his liking, am I right?

I mean, am I right?

Does he know the sort of detergent you use
On his laundry?

Or where you buy his shirts
And his shoes?

Does he know what you do all day
While he's at work
Coming up with designs
For houses
You're never going to live in?

Mine doesn't either

Mine thinks I come over here
And we exchange cake recipes

He thinks we smoke cigarettes
And then he asks me
And I say we don't
And he walks away with a smirk
Thinking that we do smoke cigarettes
And that I think I've pulled one over on him
While all the while, he's onto to my little schemes

And I like letting him think that

What does your husband think you do
That you shouldn't be doing?

Does he think you dip into the Scotch?
Does he think you cheat on your diet?
Does he think you cheat on him?

Maybe yours is worse than mine

You know I used to have a little dog
Back when I was single
Living in the city

I wasn't supposed to have him
But I snuck him by the landlord
And he was a good dog

Never made any noise

I used to go to work
Thinking I could leave him in that little apartment
And come back
To find everything exactly as it was

But he would find so many ways
To make me pay for leaving him
While I was gone

He would piss in a pair of my shoes
Or leave something worse under the couch

He would pull a magazine off the coffee table
Tear it apart
And leave it behind my bed
So I would think that somebody had come in
While I was gone

He never tore up the place
He was too smart for that
He didn't want me to know what he was doing
Until he'd already done it

That was the trick to it, you see

My husband made me get rid of that dog
When we got married

He was deathly allergic
To dogs and bee stings
The same way your husband is allergic to nuts

I missed that dog like crazy
Until I started coming over here
And spending time with you

Now the only thing I miss
Is you when I go home

But I don't plan on going home today

Not with a bedroom full of bees

Now, why don't you see how hot that oven is

I'd do it
But I got my hair done for you
And I don't want the heat
To take it down

I'll tell you what though...

I'll add the nuts to the batter

All you have to do
Is write a note that says

'Enjoy'

Tomorrow It'll Be

Tomorrow she'll fuck the pool guy
The guy who comes twice a week
To clean the water
And fuck her on the back porch
While the filter runs

Tomorrow it'll be a good day
Because he'll stay until four
And watch talk shows with her
Until her mother comes home
And gives him his check

Her mom won't notice
The look on her face
Or the laughter she stifles
Or the way he blows her a kiss
Before he heads out
The door

Tomorrow she'll run ten miles
And lose all the weight
She put on

The winter weight
The excusable weight
The weight that won't be there by summer

And if the running won't work
Then the starving will
And the other things will
And one way or another
A bathing suit
Made up of next to nothing
Will fit on her nothing frame

She will be next to nothing

Tomorrow it'll be okay
To call Jay
And ask him to come by
So she can fuck him in the basement
While her mom drinks upstairs
Not caring what happens
As long as it happens quietly

She'll make a few more tears
On the big red couch
That her mother fucked her father on
And spin her ring around a few times
The one the guy last summer gave her
Before he gave her two black eyes
And a pregnancy scare

Jay wants her to be the person
She was yesterday
But today that's not gonna fly

She'll ride him while looking at the clock
To see if she can figure out
How much longer
Until she can go down to the beach
And wash off the smell of the pool's chlorine

Tomorrow it'll be sunset by the ocean
Some car radio playing a song
She liked when she was eight

Eight years ago
She had nothing but room
For anything
That asked something of her

A listen
A look
A lasting impression

But now she can't keep her eyes on anything
Until it starts to move towards something else
She needs to see, feel, push up against

Tomorrow it'll be
Somebody else's fault
If she slips
And falls
And stalls
In becoming a decent kid
Before she's an adult

Tomorrow she'll be taller
And smarter
And more productive

Tomorrow it'll be
A day to write in a journal about
A good that will be noted
And documented
And lived again
And again

Tomorrow she'll tell her mom
What she's done
And have the strength to walk away
Before she has to notice
That her admission
Doesn't even merit
Putting the glass down on the coffee table

Tomorrow it'll be a new story
To tell to people who won't listen

And today's another day at the beach
With sand stuck to your hands
And in your hair

Wondering what the ocean pulled out
And how the tide came up
So fast

Some Kind of Rich Man

I don't know everything but I do know more than some
You're always what I think of when I think of kind
Real dreamers don't dream about being rich
I'd sacrifice my life if I could die a better man
Would that even matter to you?
Would you get the gist of me?

Tell me, tell me
Do I appeal to you more than some?
Is there anything I can say to you
To make you see me as a different kind,
A different sort of man?
Keep in mind I'm never going to be rich

But the thing about a man who's rich
Is he can't love like me
I'm a bottom-of-your-pocket man
And I got more than some
A little less than kin, but a little more than kind
Am I getting through to you?

I see your eyes staring back at you
Filtering out the colors that aren't rich
Please, please, please won't you treat me like I'm kind
That's all you need to do to me
It'd be more than what was done by some
I'm a pale sort of man

But deep down there's an overflowing man
Rivers roll out underneath you
Leaving all the good stuff, and taking away the some
What's left over is naturally rich
Let's start over with just you and me
Finally able to say we are the kind
We are the kind
And I'm a kinder man
Look at me
Can't you see I'm seeing you?
No more word for rich
Nobody has more than some

I can finally see a kinder kind of you
This kind of man has got nothing to do with rich
Look at me having risen above some

If you didn't know me
You'd think that I was
Some kind of rich man

A Temporary Place

They all show up
Where everybody used to live

The little blue house
By the Bay State sign
And the carpet cleaning place
On Mt. Towne

Sheila wakes up
To find them on the front lawn

Sitting around
On their fold-out chairs
Barbecuing
Telling stories
Trying to sell cheap earrings

'What the hell is this?'

It's nostalgia, Sheila
It's a powerful thing

'Jesus Christ,' she says, 'Who are these people?'

The couple on the lawn
With the sunglasses on
Raised two kids in your house
Before his business went big
And then they bought a place
On the East Side

The kids grew up
One of them right
One of them wrong
And every three years
They redecorate the East Side place
Trying to make it feel
Like somewhere they're happy to be

And she misses the little blue house
Even if it was in a bad neighborhood
And he misses it
Even if it was a money pit
And they miss hearing the kids
Go in and out of the crawlspace
Despite being told not to
While the couple was downstairs
Trying to patch up a hole in the wall

The guy grilling burgers
Built the second floor
With his dad
When he was sixteen

They spent a whole summer
Tearing the place up
Then putting it back together
His Mom had run off
With some guy from town
And when they put the lock
On the bathroom upstairs
His dad went to lie down
And never got back up

He left the little blue house
And went to live with his ant
Who was pretty cool, you know
But still, but still

That was when the couple moved in

And after them
The girl selling cheap earrings
Moved in with her boyfriend
And he used to knock her around
In places that wouldn't bruise

She started making these tacky earrings
Just for fun
Until her friends started buying them

Then one day she had enough money
And took off
Leaving the asshole behind
In the little blue house

She doesn't miss him
But she does miss the comforting way
The kitchen would hum
After he'd leave her lying on the floor

You can't blame a house
For the people inside of it
And part of her always wanted to move back
Even though now she lives in Chicago
In a high-rise
With a guy who'd jump from the roof
Before he'd touch her like that

Her ex-boyfriend isn't here
And she knew he wouldn't be

After she left, he picked a fight
With somebody who fought back
And when his head hit the curb
She woke up from a deep sleep in Chicago
And outside it started to rain

That was when she knew she could go back
To the house on Mt. Towne

She's selling her earrings
To the other people on the lawn

People who rented the house
And the people they rented it from

Kids, grandkids, vets, mothers, accountants
Students, teachers, drinkers, construction workers
Bass players, fishermen, Avon ladies, and a guy who bakes bread

All sitting together in front of the house
All talking about the walls
Because the walls can't, after all

Sheila sits on her front step
And somebody hands her a burger

She thinks about her husband sleeping upstairs
And the baby she hasn't told him about yet
And she worries they'll be stuck by the carpet cleaning place
And the Bay State sign
For the rest of their lives

But seeing the people out on the lawn
Makes her realize that this is a temporary place
And that's what it's supposed to be

She remembers going to visit famous people's houses
When she was in school

Her teacher would take the class
To see where the colonial people lived
And writers and artists
And people that meant something

And all their houses
Were smaller than this

Sheila remembers thinking
That great stuff
Can come out of a two bedroom house
With bad plumbing

Maybe this was that kind of house

A place where you stay for awhile
To remember
That some of the best people in the world
Lived in two-room shacks
And tents
And a suitcase

She folds her arms across her stomach
While earrings get put in her ear
By a very nice woman
Who smiles like a warm bath

'Hey babe, you okay?'

She turns around to see him
Leaning against the doorway
With his muscle shirt sagging over his sweatpants
Scruff coming in even though he shaved yesterday

He rubs her back on bad days
And when she started feeling morning sicknes
She told him it was just a virus
And he sat by her bed like an old dog
Ears to the floor, and all

'We're gonna have a baby' she says

He sits down on the step next to her
And looks at an empty lawn

Two cars drive by
One blaring music
Disregarding the sentiment of the moment

'You happy,' he asks
'Yeah,' she says, 'You?'
'We're gonna have a baby,' he says

She turns and sees his head shaking
While he closes his eyes tight
So he won't start to cry

She puts her arm around his shoulder
And he starts to laugh
And clap his hands
Like he's applauding the news itself

Then he turns to her and says--

'Should we move?'

And she says--

'Nah, I think we're okay for now.'

He gives her a kiss on the side of her head
Then on her lips
Then he whoops
Like he just caught the biggest fish of his life

Then he looks at her and says--

'Where'd you get those earrings?'

And she smiles and says--

'You don't need to know everything.'

Drunk Food

We're eating mac and cheese
And sliders off a toaster oven
Cookie dough, even though
The package says it's risky

We eat eight different kinds of Doritos
And a jarful of pickles
One can of black olives
And one jar of green

Someone's making spaghetti
And someone's making scrambled eggs
And it smells like someone's
Trying to make grilled cheese

If there were a cow here
We would milk it
Because somebody forgot to get milk
And now we're eating dried Frosted Flakes
Out of sad dry bowls

Seven of us shoved on a couch
Made for three

And happy
Really happy

We went out for hours
In several small packs
But somehow wound up back
At an apartment
Where none of us actually live

The futon pulls out
And the roof's caving in
And outside there's rain
And the tv plays nothing
But news from two days ago

We all ate lunch and dinner
And then snacks before we left

But now we're starving
Starving at 4am
So we eat drunk food

Food you can't eat
Unless you're smashed

We cashed out the meager resources
Lingering in our wallets

And bought Fritos
And soda
And chips
And dip
And donuts

We reheat old pizza
And past due Chinese food
Some cake somebody found
And three candy bars
From the back of the fridge

Someone holds up mushrooms
But we wave them away

Even we're not that brave
Today

We pass plates around
And forks
And ladles

We're not afraid of spilling germs
Sharing utensils
Even though last month
There was a mono scare
And a stomach bug

We've all kissed
Each other
At least once
Tonight

What's a little food going to hurt?

The last thing each of us remembers
Is falling asleep on the other
Feeling full
On drunken food
Lying next to drunken friends

Glad we spent tonight
Making all the mistakes that we made
And wondering when
We can do it again

The Minotaur Calls Out Sick

Hi...is...is the King Minos there?

Sure

Hi King Minos, how are you?

Uh, well
To be honest
I'm feeling a little under the weather

Uh, I don't know
Throat's kinda sore
Horns are kinda tender
Probably just a cold
You know?

So, I don't think I'm going down to the maze today

Yeah, I know, I know
Big day today
With that, uh, what's his name?

Theseus, right

Listen, have you heard anything about him?

Because I was talking to my cousin Phil
And he says this guy might be the real deal

Well, that's what he--

Look, what if we just fed him to lions or something?

I'm just kinda tired
And I'm not feelin' well
And that maze is a real killer
If you're not up to the--

Well, what about seeing if Jake can do it?

I know he hasn't grown the horns yet
But he has the growling down?

Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean

Well, what if I did just half a day?

Like, what if we put him in the maze around one
And then he'll have already eaten lunch
So he'll move a little slower and--

Right, yeah, gotcha

Okay, well
I guess I can come in
I was just worried about you
Catching what I have and--

Oh, it's nothing too serious
You just grow a snout
And your testicles grow to the size of--

Ohhhh you sure?

Thanks so much

I should be fine by tomorrow

...Or however long it takes
For Theseus to die of starvation

Have a great day, boss!

He Can Sing to Me

Leave the boy alone
He can sing to me

Let him touch the mic
Let him loosen his tie
Let him lick his lips
He can sing to me

Let him write lyrics on dirty napkins
Let him hum to himself in the bathroom stall
Let him knock a few back
He can sing to me

Tell him he's good, but they're hoping for a legend
Tell him he's good, but he needs to open his eyes
Tell him he's good, but he doesn't know it
He can sing to me

Get him a suit
That actually fits

Get him a spot
Early on in the night

Get him an attitude
Then teach him how to use it

And if you can't get him
Get out of my way

He can sing to me