What Happened to the Staff?

What happened?
I fired them
Isn't it obvious?
There's nobody here

I'll tell you what
It was funny
It was incredibly funny
How it happened

I walked into work today
And I decided
That either I was going to jump out the nearest window
Or fire everyone in sight

As it turns out
The window was painted shut
So that only left
Option B

I fired them all
One massive chop
And every ounce of stress
In my life
Was eradicated

I fired Andrea
Because she's dumb
Because I never wanted to hire her
Because you made me hire her
I'm assuming because
You liked looking at her fake breasts
Or maybe it was her sparking personality
Either way, it doesn't matter now
I fired her

I fired Morgan
Because he has body odor
And he likes to stand close to you
When he talks
About meaningless things
Like his fake wife
And his fake barbecues
That he throws with his fake wife
Who nobody has even seen
Because she's fake
I fired him
And I would have fired his fake wife
If she worked here

I fired Trina
Because her name is Trina
And that's stupid
That's a stupid name
Wasn't there a Power Ranged named Trina?
The yellow one?
I hate the yellow one
So I fired Trina
With her fake teeth

Why was EVERYBODY in this office
So goddammed fake?

It was like working
With a bunch of biobots

So I fired them all
Harry who had three weeks
Until he retired?

Fired him

Because he was old
Because he was old and mean
Because I wanted to see him cry
Because I needed to know he was human
And you know what?
He didn't cry
That old bastard didn't cry
He laughed
That just goes to show you
How insane he was

Three weeks until retirement
No job
And he's laughing
Like a goddammed leprechaun
On a pot o' gold

He was probably going to come in here one day
Leap onto his desk
And jump onto the nearest rainbow
Turning us all into stone
On his way up to Cloud Town

. . . . .

Do you want to know what happened?

I realized
That I shouldn't have to spend
More time with people I hate
Than with people I like

I like lots of people
I like even more dogs
But generally
I like people

But I hated all those people
All the people I just fired
I hate their guts

And they hated me
And we all hated each other
And worked in a hateful environment
Where hateful products
Were most likely produced

So I think I've done us all a favor
I think I've saved everybody
A lot of heartache

Granted, I no longer have a staff
But you know what?
Come Monday morning
I'm going to be smiling
For the first time
In God knows how long

I'm going to be smiling
Standing at the water cooler
All by myself