Why I Chose Your Father

He wasn't handsome
That's the first myth I'll dispel
Every time a woman
Talks about her divorced husband
She says--

Well, he was so handsome

Well, he wasn't handsome
Your father was NOT handsome
Not by any means

The only reason you're handsome
Is because my father
Was a distant cousin
Of Steve McQueen

Otherwise
You'd have been screwed, sonny boy
Screwed

I chose your father
Because he was careful
There was something
Very prepared about him

It was a little like--
When you're in the market
And you're going to make dinner
And you walk by the frozen food aisle
And you think to yourself

Wow, that would be a lot easier

So you buy the frozen food
It's not as good for you
But you're tired
You just want to eat

That was why I chose your father
He was a tv dinner

I chose your father
Because I knew he'd always be on time
I knew he'd always pay the bills
I knew he could do a lousy job
And be happy at it
And never want to do anything else

I entertained the idea
That maybe one day
He would have a mid-life crisis
And realize his entire life
Was one gigantic semi-colon
But he never did

Thank God

We wouldn't have gotten divorced
If not for the fact that he started drinking
And I wouldn't put up with it

I feel bad for you, sonny boy
You only remember the drinker
You don't remember the dad
And that was the thing about him
He was a hell of a good dad

He used to watch you
Like you were the best movie
He'd ever seen

Like you were a kite in a thunderstorm
And the only way to keep you
From getting hit by lighting
Would be to keep his eyes on you
At all times

He was the only father
I knew of, in my group of friends
Who demanded that I sleep
When you woke up in the night
Just so he could go sit by your bed
And make sure you were okay

You had a lot of good years with him
The cruel irony is that those are the years
You don't remember now

You only remember the brooding
The nasty comments
The failed appearances
You only knew him
Once stopped being on time

But if you want to know why I chose him
I chose him because I chose you
Because I knew I wanted you
Even before I had you
And I wanted to have you
With someone like him

Maybe not the best husband
Maybe not a prince or a passionate lover
Maybe not even eighth best, let alone second best
But a good father

Up until you were ten...

That was him
That was him, all the time

That's why I chose him
Could I have chose better?
Maybe

But I like to think
I got ten good years
We both did

Some people don't even get that
So try
Try harder
To remember those years

Then you'll know
Why I chose your father