That Toy You Bought the Baby

Hi Jill?

Hiiiiiiii it's Barb

Ohhhh, great great great
You know
Just things

I'm actually calling
To thank you
For the gift

You know
That toy you bought the baby

Yeah, it's...I mean...it's...

Uh...

...Well, it's loud

The baby just loves how it
Plays the sound of a man screaming
And then shoots green food coloring
Everywhere

Hahaha where did you buy it?

A toy store?

Ahhh

I didn't realize toy stores
Were now being run
By people who hate children

Hahaha and also their parents

Oh no!  It's not too complicated

Granted, little Logan doesn't know how to talk or walk yet

But by some miracle
He seems perfectly adept
At operating anything
That can mess up my house
Or destroy my furniture

It's like God gave me a baby
AND a puppy!

Hahaha ohhh of course I'm kidding

Of course I'm...kidding

Uh, I was wondering

Does that toy have a battery?

You know
Something you could take out
To make it, uh
Well
Stop?

Just because, well
Logan's been taking it to bed, uh, with him
When we try to stop him
He screams
Even louder
Than the man
In the little box does
When you push the big smiley face button
That says 'Push Me'
As if something wonderful is going to happen

Scott now thinks that Logan
Has been brainwashed
By the toy
To push it
At all hours
Constantly

And so the screaming
Is constant

And so nobody's getting any sleep

And I was wondering
If there's a battery that will eventually die out

Or if I'm going to have to
Just hit it with a hammer
Until the screaming goes away?

A what?

There's a what?

Oh dear Lord
The words 'off button'
Have never sounded
So beautiful

Where is it?

Okay

Okay

With a screwdriver?

A code?

A password?

Jill, did you give my child a toy
Or Pandora's Box?

Yes, I'll get on it right away

Now I just have to get it away from Logan

Well, I could try wooing him with another toy
But he seems pretty attached

So I guess I'll just go away on vacation for a week
And let Scott handle it

Oh, and Jill?

I'm sending over a toy
For little Christopher

It's the new Stinky Sal action figure?

It makes your entire house
Smell like rotting lettuce

Enjoy