The 365 Monologue 2019

I ran into him again in January at a Starbucks by the airport.  He looked like he was two miles from healthy, but almost there. I tried to hide my ring, but he saw it anyway.  He said ‘Congratulations’ and I shook my head. I wanted to tell him that it should have been his ring on my finger, but why be hurtful?  He told me there was a plane ticket in his pocket. I didn’t ask where he was going because I was scared I might ask to go with him. He still had the best smile you’ve ever seen and the worst way of using it.  There was no way he was ever going to change, and the only way to love him was to love what was frozen about him. I never knew if I could do that when we were both younger. Now I wasn’t sure there was any other way to love a person.  We talked for a few minutes. Then I drove straight into a blizzard. The snow felt like it was telling me to go back. The plane would have been delayed. He would still be at the airport waiting for me. Nobody would ever forgive me, but I guess first you have to forgive yourself.  The snow made the road look like blank paper you could drive a new story on. Maybe I was just looking too hard for a metaphor. I turned the car around and that’s when the truck hit me. Sent me two lanes over into a ditch. When I woke up in the hospital the first thing my fiance asked me was ‘What were you doing near the airport?’  I didn’t tell him I had a ticket in my pocket. That running into the one that got away made me run back home. I just said I had no idea. Memory loss. He bought it. What else could he do? The wedding was a month away. When I left the hospital, I arrived home to find a gift sitting on my porch. It was a box with a ring inside it and a note that said “Wear this one instead.”

Miriam Slater, Love Don't Cost a Thing

If you’ve been rich

It’s true that being poor

Might be more difficult

I was rich

Now I’m not

It’s not the end of the world

But the world has looked prettier

At least as far as I’m concerned

But my new husband?

He’s a gem

Not a real gem

That would be useful

A gem of a person

Which isn’t worth much

Unless you’re me

And could use a little warmth

A little bit of affection

From someone

You’re not employing

Did you know that these days

Marrying your employees

Is frowned upon?

I had no idea

Not until I lost all my money

And couldn’t afford to employ

Any potential husbands anyway

I know what you’re thinking

Miriam--how did you lose your money?

It’s the wildest story

Just bonkers, truly

A man comes to the door one day

And asks me how I feel

About portable submarines

I said ‘I adore the ocean’

And it’s true

I always have

Nobody loves the Indian Ocean

More than me

The Indian

The Atlantic

The Mediterranean

The Baltic

The Huron

The Michigan

I love ‘em all

So this man comes to the door

And he’s talking about these little submarines

That have wheels on them

Just like cars

And can go right into the ocean

And you can get them in blue or red

Or a nice purple

I asked him if they have purple

And he said ‘Sure’

So then I gave him all my money

Well, not all of it

But most of it

Most of all of it

Wound up penniless

And dollar-less

Which is even worse

Had to move into this tiny apartment

Using the petty cash

I kept hidden behind my wine wall

It’ll be enough to live on

Provided I die by next weekend

But since I’ve always lived

For the moment

I’m used to thinking in terms

Of the here and now

And my husband?

The love of my life?

His little apartment is right next to mine

I got so excited when we met

And I realized he was the one

That I knocked down the wall

Separating our apartments

And while he was screaming

About us not getting something called

‘A security deposit’ back

I made plans for a simple little wedding

Less than three hundred people

And only two entrees

He can afford to splurge a little

He is a polygraph machine technician

And lord knows they make a...living

So now I’m very happy

And I have to say

I deserve it

We can’t all die rich

But we can certainly die in love

And that’s just what I intend on doing

LIke they all say--

Seventh time is a charm

And this time it just has to work

You know, since I can’t exactly

Afford a divorce

Ah, love

Always better

When it’s all

You’ve got

The Broken Mold

So I made the perfect person

Just a truly

Altogether

Perfect human being

And then I thought

I heard someone say something

Like, I thought somebody was like--

Hey God

But I hadn’t really

Created anybody else yet

So it was weird

But I was like--

Oh maybe I created someone

And forgot about it

So I turned around

And when I did

I hit the mold

With the perfect human in it

And down it goes

To the--

Well, I had just made the ground

And so it hit the ground

And shattered

Oh, I was so upset

You can’t imagine

Do you have any idea

How hard it is

To make the perfect mold

I’m not talking about the human

That comes out of the mold

I’m talking about the mold itself

Once you have that

Making perfect people
Is a cinch

Then I remembered

That I had made one person

Before the mold broke

And she was just sitting there

On the counter

And I thought--

Okay, now what do I do?

I could use the perfect person

To make another mold

But you know

It’s a chicken and an egg thing

Or rather--

It’s not a chicken and an egg thing

You have to make the mold first

You can’t do it in reverse

You can’t reverse engineer

The perfect mold

Even I can’t do that

And I can make a rock so heavy

That even I can’t move it

So there I am

With the perfect person

And a broken mold

That I broke

After I made the perfect person

And even since then

I’ve been working

At making another perfect mold

But, in the interest of full disclosure,

I kind of got bored with the whole thing

And decided that people didn’t need

To be perfect

To be interesting

In fact, they’re more interesting

If they’re not perfect

So once I’d made Julia Child

I pretty much just said--

That’s fine

That’ll do

We’re good

I mean, do we need millions

Of little Julia Child’s running around

Making delicious food

And gutting poultry?

One is fine

Of course at that point
I didn’t have a sense of time

And mortality

So as far as I knew

Julia Child would live forever

And would likely become

A god on earth

One to replace me

And, you know,

I was fine with that

But then she died

Which didn’t diminish

Her perfect nature

Not one bi

It just meant that I had to

Go back to thinking about

Making another mold

I still haven’t gotten around to it

But once I do

It’s possible humanity

Will make its own Julia Child

Granted, it’ll be pretty hard

Without a mold

But they’ve done some

Impressive stuff, so-

You know

It could happen

Ten Hours Early

I left ten hours early

Because if I stayed

It was going to be about leaving

And I had already left

In my head, you know, I--

I left two days

Before I even got there

I had to

That was the only--

That was the only way

I was going to be able

To make it

The trip

I used to sob

Thinking about doing this

Making this trip

Coming to see you

Knowing

Knowing it could only ever be

A trip

A--

A vacation, or…

I don’t know what

I was thinking

But I knew

That there was this thing

This…

...Painful thing

That had to be done

Because sometimes

Curiosity is stronger

Than--than anything else

I had to know if coming here

Would mean I’d realize

That I needed to be here

That--that if I came

I’d want to stay

But I also knew

It was a--

That there was a chance

I’d come here

And I’d feel like--

Like it was a nice break

A nice break in time

But that I couldn’t stay

That I’d have to go back

To the days I recognize

In a place I recognize

A person that--

That I am comfortable being

I knew two days before I came

That I was going back

You didn’t--

You didn’t even know

What I was considering, did you?

I didn’t see the point

In telling you

I mean, I know that there’d be a point

But why get your hopes up

Or have you not have any hopes at all?

Why not just roll the dice

And see what numbers

Come up?

But the numbers

Our numbers

They didn’t shake out right

Five days became four

Since we’re not going to be eating

Breakfast together

Tomorrow morning

Ten years away from each other

Becomes ten years more

Becomes--

Who knows how long?

I like knowing

That I could hop back on a plane tomorrow

And be right back in that bed

Next to you

Feeling like I don’t need

To be anywhere else

How does somebody

Walk away

From something like that?

Sometimes you get so tangled up

In the knots of your own making

It feels like you should just

Figure out how to get comfortable

With them

Cutting off your air

That’s what I did

I got comfortable

I don’t know how to

Walk away from that

But you?

You I know

How to walk away from

I mean, let’s face it

As far as you and I are concerned

All I’ve ever done

Is leave ten hours early

And two days before

You even knew

I arrived