Soap Operas for the Modern Age

     (A beautiful living room.)

SARA:  What do you want from me, Arturo?

ARTURO:  You know what I want.

SARA:  You've been asking me for two years and I can't--I can't give it to you.

ARTURO:  You said that if I ever came back from the dead, you would agree to post pictures of us together online so people would know we're in love.

SARA:  And you said that if my evil twin sister survived that car accident and kidnapped my dog, you'd cut me some slack this year.

ARTURO:  I'm not asking for the moon, Sara.  One photo.  Just one.  The one where you look good and I don't.  I'll even take that one.

SARA:  Dammit, Arturo, I'm a broken woman.  After Porter Davenport buried me alive, I just--don't want to be tied down.

ARTURO:  But we've been exclusive ever since I came out of the coma.

SARA:  That was your word for it.  I just haven't had time to date anyone else but you since I've been searching for my biological parents.

ARTURO:  Why can't you just admit you love me?  Have you forgotten how to speak like the time you had amnesia after the boating accident?

SARA:  Which boating accident?  The one where Cory McCrory lost his arm?

ARTURO:  He lost an arm?  That seems severe.

SARA:  He only had to go a month without an arm and then he got an arm transplant from Stanford Ford when Stanford died in that mysterious flood.

ARTURO:  No, I'm talking about the second boating accident?  The one where you hit your head and then you didn't know we were dating.

SARA:  Because we weren't dating.  We aren't dating.  We never have and we never will.  I don't love you, Arturo.

ARTURO:  But you're having my baby.

SARA:  I am?

ARTURO:  I mean, you could be.  It's not that far-fetched.

SARA:  Jesus, Arturo, these are modern times.  You can't just plot-twist a baby into me.

ARTURO:  Fine.  Maybe I'm the one having the baby.

SARA:  That would be a twist.

ARTURO:  Do you like it?  Do you...like my twist?

SARA:  I'll admit--it's intriguing.

ARTURO:  So you love me?

SARA:  I can't love you anymore than I can love that imposing German man with multiple personalities who showed up in town last year.

ARTURO:  Fritz?

SARA:  No.

ARTURO:  Franz?

SARA:  No.

ARTURO:  Ohhhh Schultz.

SARA:  That's the one.

ARTURO:  If you don't love me, then stop sleeping with me.  I'm not some toy you can play with and then keep hidden like the hidden room under the church where Mary Louise Mariani held Nick Nickerson captive because he wouldn't give her the secret code to stop the bomb from going off on the roof of the hospital.

SARA:  I'm okay with not sleeping with you anymore.  I should have stopped doing it when I found out that you've fallen off the wagon for the twelfth time.

ARTURO:  Don't you blame me for wanting to get a little bit more out of that storyline.

SARA:  And don't blame me for wanting a little bit more out of you.

ARTURO:  You've gotten all you're going to get, Sara.  I suggest you take one last look before you go blind after the train accident that's happening next week.

SARA:  A girl can't travel anywhere these days.

ARTURO:  It's a dangerous world, Sara.  And it's only getting worse.  Love is the only thing that can keep us safe.

SARA:  Do you really believe that or is it just...dialogue?

ARTURO:  If you say it with a raised eyebrow and enough conviction--you can believe anything you want.

     (The music swells.  The End.)