(DAN, MATT, and JON are all having lunch.)
JON: I never get to see you guys anymore.
MATT: I know, it's so annoying. I've been so busy with work.
DAN: Work is nuts.
MATT: Work IS nuts.
JON: What's been going on with you?
MATT: Not much. Pretty much nothing.
DAN: Yeah, like, just work.
MATT: Work is nuts.
DAN: IT IS!
JON: Did I tell you I started seeing that girl Amanda again?
MATT: Jon, good for you.
DAN: I liked her a lot.
MATT: I really liked her.
JON: Thanks. We're taking it slow, but I think it might be going places.
DAN: That's so awesome.
MATT: That's really awesome for you.
DAN: So awesome.
JON: What about you two? Are you seeing anyone?
(DAN and MATT eye each other.)
DAN: Um...
MATT: Well...
DAN: I went out on a date the other night.
MATT: With who?
DAN: NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, MATT.
JON: Whoa, whoa. Dan, what's wrong?
DAN: Sorry. It's just--
MATT: This is what happens when gay guys talk about who they're dating around other gay guys.
DAN: We should have warned you, Jon.
JON: That was really aggressive though. You two are best friends. We're all best friends, right?
MATT: Right.
DAN: Right. I'm sorry. It's just a reflex.
MATT: I totally get it.
DAN: Love you, Matt.
MATT: Love you too, Dan.
DAN: Sorry.
MATT: Please, don't, it's fine.
DAN: Thank you.
MATT: So what's the guy's name?
DAN: YOU'LL FIND IT AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, YOU WHORE.
JON: Whoa! Okay, what was that?
MATT: He thinks I'm going to try and find the guy he's dating on social media after he tells me who it is so I can DM him and try to steal him away.
JON: Dan, that is terrible. This is Matt. You guys have known each other for years. He would never do something like that.
MATT: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I mean...I'm not saying I'd go to THAT much trouble, like...if the guy wasn't cute then the whole thing is a non-issue.
DAN: Right, but he is cute.
MATT: He might not be.
DAN: See, you're already judging him!
MATT: OF COURSE I'M JUDGING HIM, YOU IDIOT. ASK A FISH NOT TO SWIM.
JON: Hey! Hey, we're just catching up. It's just conversation.
DAN: Right, right. I know that.
JON: So just tell Matt the guy's name.
DAN: It's...Titanic.
JON: Titanic? Like...the ship?
MATT: You're lying.
DAN: It's Titanic and he's hot.
MATT: It's not Titanic and he's probably not hot.
DAN: He's so hot and we're going to get married and that's when you'll meet him because otherwise you'd try to tempt him away from me.
MATT: Oh, like, you can't be tempted after you're married. Haven't you ever heard of adultery?
DAN: He is a loyal and dedicated man!
MATT: Then tell me his name since you have nothing to worry about, Dan.
DAN: It's Titanic D. Iceberg!
MATT: LIAR!
DAN: YOU'LL NEVER TOUCH HIM, DO YOU HEAR ME?
JON: Dan, stop! Are you in love with this guy? You're so worked up over him.
DAN: We've only been on one date, but he's a gay man who's attractive and has a good job, so at this point, it's like protecting water in the desert. My entire life is Mad Max now, Jon.
MATT: I bet I've already hooked up with him.
DAN: You haven't.
MATT: I might have.
DAN: YOU HAVEN'T.
MATT: Tell me his name and I'll tell you if I have.
DAN: If I don't tell you his name, then it means you haven't.
JON: That wouldn't be how that works, Dan.
DAN: STAY OUT OF THIS, JON!
MATT: You're making such a big deal out of this. It's embarrassing, Dan. I'm embarrassed for you.
DAN: Oh yeah? How do you know that guy Chris you're following on Instagram?
MATT: We're friends.
DAN: I doubt that.
MATT: Why?
DAN: He lives in Greece.
MATT: I love Greece.
DAN: You've never been to Greece!
MATT: Have YOU been to Greece?
DAN: No.
MATT: Then how are you two following each other on Instagram?
DAN: I'd rather not say.
MATT: I bet you wouldn't.
JON: This seems like a thing, but I'm not sure why it would be a thing.
MATT: Why don't you just admit that your friend Luke met him when he was in New York for Pride last year and then he commented one of Luke's photos and then you messaged him privately and that's how you became friends and I did the exact same thing when he commented on one of your photos?
DAN: That is not what happened. We met at a party.
MATT: YOU DON'T GO TO PARTIES!
JON: I follow Stephen King's acupuncturist on Twitter.
DAN: Who was that guy you were out with on Saturday at Ballroom?
MATT: A friend.
DAN: Oh yeah? What's his name?
MATT: Water Balloon J. Barbecue.
DAN: You are something else.
JON: You know what? Let's change the subject. Anybody watching that show on Hulu about the ducks that are really Soviet spies?
MATT: Have you been talking to my ex behind my back?
DAN: Stephen with a 'p' or Steven with a 'v'?
MATT: Steven with a 'v.'
DAN: I--why do you ask?
MATT: Because I saw you liked that photo he posted of his vacation to Greenland.
JON: Okay, Matt, I have to stop you. That is outrageous. You're accusing your friend of talking to your ex just because he liked ONE photo. It's insulting. I'm insulted on behalf of Dan.
(A beat.)
DAN: Riiiiiiiiiight, except--
JON: Oh my god! Do you people have no ethics whatsoever?
MATT: Wait a minute--'you people?'
JON: I didn't--
DAN: Wow, Jon, way to show your true colors.
JON: No, I meant--
MATT: You just made a really broad generalization about our entire community based on the actions of a few.
JON: A few being the two people I'm sitting with right now.
DAN: That's right. You can't just assume that all gay men act the way we act.
JON: So they don't?
MATT: No, they do, but you shouldn't assume that.
DAN: Yeah, it wouldn't be fair to the non-existent gay men who don't behave that way.
JON: Okay. I'm sorry. It's just that this all sounds really undignified to me. As a straight guy, I find what you're talking about totally reprehensible. Talking about sex and dating like it's a sport and people's feelings don't matter and acting like cavemen in some kind of never-ending dick-measuring competition is somehow acceptable as long as it's all implied and never spoken about outright.
(A moment.)
I mean, if you're going to do all that just be proud about it and shout down anyone who tries to tell you that you're being gross. You're guys, remember? It's what we do.
MATT: He's got a point.
DAN: He's got a really good point.
JON: Yeah, like, if somebody you're friends with hits on someone you like, just punch them in the face and then buy him a beer.
MATT: I like that.
DAN: I like that a lot.
MATT: Does it have to be beer? Can it be wine?
DAN: Matt, I forgot to ask. Are you still seeing--
(MATT punches DAN in the face.)
MATT: Wow, that did feel better.
DAN: When do I get my wine?
JON: See, this is how friendship is supposed to work.
The End
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