Murder Me, Please

I like to listen to the unsolved murders first

Because they make me really uneasy

And oh my god
I get so excited

Whenever they’re like--

‘...And after he left him bludgeoned

And half-dead

The killer escaped out the back

And was never seen again’

If you only knew

What hearing that does to me

My whole body just...shivers

Thinking about that criminal

Out there somewhere

Getting away with murder

It is...The greatest

I’m not, like, turned on by the violence of it

I just find that fear is a much better aphrodisiac for me

Then, like, you know--Love, or...affection

Like, I don’t want anyone to hurt me

But the thought of a psychopath running around

Trying to kill people gets my adrenaline going

And the next thing you know

I’m making my boyfriend put on a clown mask

While he reads Zodiac notes to me

By the way, there is an amazing new Zodiac podcast

Which I’ve already listened to

While I wait for the new season of ‘Neck Cutters’ to come out

That’s a podcast exclusively about

Killers who like to do neck stuff

Mostly cut, but sometimes strangle

I’m not that into strangling

Because it’s all aggression

Without any of the sex, you know?

Plus, I hate when people touch me

That’s why you have a knife, Mr. Murderer

You don’t need to use your hands

It’s going to take you forever to choke the air out of me

I have the lungs of a baby elephant

Because I used to swim when I was younger

You try strangling me

And we’re gonna be here all day

Once I’m done with the unsolved murders

I do the solved ones

As kind of a cool-down?

You know, we found him

Hiding in a caboose

We found him in the shed

Under the little girl’s bed

Brandishing a blunt object

Just the stuff that gets you to relax

You know?

Because they got the guy

Doesn’t do anything for me, personally

But it’s what I put on right before bed

That way as I’m drifting off

I hear that they found the Oakwood Marauder

And then I dream that, like, maybe he busted out of prison

Or an insane asylum

And he’s coming to find me

Because he wants one last kill

That’s how I get my best night’s sleep

After I listen a few hours of that a day
I’m usually feeling

Pretty good about myself

Because, you know

I’m not dead

And even if I do die

It’s probably going to be

Of something boring

Because no way am I ever

Going to be murdered

Because that would be way too amazing

And nobody I know

Hates me enough to murder me

No matter how mean I am to them

Because they think it’s just me being funny

When really I’m trying to push them over the edge

The great irony of my life

Is that I seem nice

When really I’m mean

And the only people who get murdered

According to these podcasts

Are the people who are really nice

And I can’t do anything about the fact

That I’m not nice

But only seem that way

This podcast I’m listening to now

Is all about this guy

Who would kill hitchhikers

And then feed them

To his cats

So I’ve been trying to hitchhike lately

But everyone who picks me up

Just takes me where I’m going

And then I’m like--

Great, now I need to take a Lyft

Back to my apartment

Near the railroad tracks

I keep calling into ‘Murder Me, Please’

But they won’t play my calls

Even though every single one

Ends with me begging someone to murder me

But, like, not too violently

Because again

I’m not really into that

I just want a quick one

With a long investigation

At the end of it

Then I can get my own podcast

Which is really the dream

The idea of not getting murdered?

Ugh

That can really

Keep a girl up at night