When We Have Your Wedding

Dearest Lucinda,

I know how disappointed you are

To have to cancel your wedding

This summer

Your father and I were sooo looking forward

To planning

And paying for

A wedding I know you’ve been dreaming about

Ever since you were a little girl

Of course

Back when you were a little girl

Everything cost...so much less

Hahaha...ohhh boy

When I think of how much my wedding

Cost your grandparents

It’s just amazing to me

That we had such a happy day

Without spending--really very much at all

You know, I’m just spitballing here

But maybe

Since we have to reschedule anyway

We could think about

Some of the things you’re spending money on

And see if they’re, you know, really necessary

After this is all over

We’re all going to want to appreciate

The important things in life, right?

And what’s important

Is that you and Kirk

And your immediate, immediate family

Get to have a nice day together

I know how badly you want to invite

Everyone you and Kirk have ever met

And I know that releasing endangered birds into the air

Is very fashionable right now

And I know that you really, really want the wedding

To be officiated by Anne Hathaway

But, oh boy, she does not come cheap, Lucinda

She is one pricey officiant

I could probably pay her less to act!

Hahahaha isn’t that funny?

I think, once we pick a new date

And again--I’m so upset that we have to

It gives me absolutely no pleasure

To note that we hadn’t paid

For the birds or Anne

Or the wedding band yet

By the way, are you sure

You want No Doubt

And not a No Doubt cover band?

Would you really be able

To tell the difference?

There are some very convincing

Gwen Stefani impersonators working today

The point is--since your father and I

Haven’t put down on any deposits yet

Maybe we could think about...scaling back?

Just a little bit?

You are going to look

So beautiful in that wedding dress

That costs more than my first three cars

And you’re going to have so much

On your bachelorette party to Fiji

I thought three weeks seemed a little excessive

When most bachelorette parties are a weekend

But hey, what do I know?

Besides, your bridesmaids are paying for that one

So you spend as much as you want, sweetie

I just know that all this craziness

Has made me realize that

The best parts of life

Aren’t the parts with lots of fanfare

Every night I sit down on the couch

With your father

And we watch a movie

Or something on television

Or just cuddle up next to each other

Without feeling like

We need to say anything at all

And that’s because just having each other

In a world that can feel so lonely and isolated

Is something I’ve never appreciated as much
As I do now

And it doesn’t matter

That my wedding reception

Was at a Bugaboo Creek’s

Or that your uncle

Tried making out

With the talking moose

Or that my wedding dress

Was my older sister’s prom dress

And it still smelled like Schnapps

All that matters is that I wound up

With the person I loved most in the world

And I know you feel...mostly the same way

About Kirk

So think about what you value

Cut it in half

And that’s how much we’re going to spend

On your wedding

I would have wrote this all down in an email

But I just learned how to unmute myself

And I know you have a hard time hearing tone

In the written word

I love you, sweetie

You’re going to be such a gorgeous bride

And hopefully by then

No Doubt won’t be quite

As expensive