Zoom

You know what I’m all set with?

I keep getting invited

To these ‘Zoom parties’

Okay, sounds fun
I’m game

Then I get there

To the...Zoom party

And what is it?

Twelve people

All staring at each other

And wondering

Who’s going to talk first

And if you talk first

Everybody looks at you

And when you’re done talking

Somebody else is supposed to talk

And then as time goes on

Somebody becomes, like,

The host of the party

That’s fine

Parties have hosts

I get it

But the host of THIS party

Only has one job

And that job

Is to make sure

Everybody talks

About everything

You can’t just sit there

In your little square

Listening to other people

You have to participate

In the party

You know why I go to parties?

I’ll give you a hint

It’s not to participate

In anything

I like to sit in the corner of the room

Look at my phone

And wait for somebody

To get mad at somebody else

Or get drunk and act stupid

This ain’t that

This is like being on CNN
And it’s election night

And everybody’s gotta say

How they think Ohio

Is going to vote

It is STRESSFUL

And you can’t leave

You can’t leave the Zoom

No sneaking out
No Irish goodbye

Nothing

If you want to leave the Zoom

You have to lie

And say you have another Zoom

When really

After you do one Zoom

The last thing you want to do

Is ANOTHER Zoom

Every time somebody asks me

To come to one of these things

I want to lie and say I can’t

But everybody knows

That none of us are doing anything right now

So, yeah, sure

I’ll go to your honey bee extinction

Discussion group

Why not?

This situation has me really worked up

Do you know what my favorite thing

In the world to do is?

Flake

I love it

I love to flake

And now I can’t flake

How would I flake?

Say something came up?

Where?

Where did something come up?

In one of the three rooms

In my apartment?

Did something come up

In the kitchen?

Everybody knows you’re full of it

And another thing

Now that you can’t flake

Everybody knows

Who the flakes are

We’ve been called out

By the virus

Because I’m not going to stop

Blowing people off

So I just have to own it

I just have to say--

Yup, that’s me

I’m a flake

And I don’t want

To be at this Zoom party

Because it reminds me of Chatroulette

And we got rid of that

Because it was laaaame

That’s how I feel about it

...And now I don’t know what to say

But I can’t leave

I gotta wait to hear

What everybody else

Has to say yet

How many of you are in this chat with me?

Sixteen people?

Great

Maybe by the time

Everybody’s done

This whole pandemic

Will be over

I can’t wait

To sneak out the back again

I miss it

I really miss it