What Else Am I Doing?

      (GINA and LISA are getting lunch.)

GINA:  So I heard you're in a cult now?

LISA:  Who told you?

GINA:  Your sister called me.

LISA:  What's she calling you for? I can't get her to call me back, but she's calling you.

GINA:  She wanted to know if I saw what Tonya posted online.

LISA:  What did she post?

GINA:  This photo of her dog.

LISA:  Her and that dog.

GINA:  Right?

LISA:  Yeah, I'm in a cult.

GINA:  How's that going?

LISA:  It's going good.

GINA:  How'd you get into that?

LISA:  You know, I was watching this show on one of those--

GINA:  Hulu?

LISA:  No.

GINA:  Netflix?

LISA:  No.

GINA:  Peacock? Was it Peacock?

LISA:  No, it was HBO but not HBO.

GINA:  The new one. The Max.

LISA:  HBO Max! Yeah.

GINA:  Yeah.

LISA:  Yeah.

GINA:  Yeah.

LISA:  Yeah, I'm watching that show about the cult, and I'm looking, and I'm looking, and I go--Hey! They get to live in this big house for free. They're all nice to each other. They have talent shows. Looks good to me!

GINA:  Now this isn't the one with the branding, is it?

LISA: No, no, I don't do the branding.

GINA:  You imagine getting branded?

LISA:  No branding.

GINA:  Like a cow.

LISA:  Like a big fat cow.

GINA:  Not that you're fat.

LISA:  I gained a little.

GINA:  No.

LISA:  Just a little.

GINA:  No.

LISA:  But I'm no cow.

GINA:  So they don't brand you?

LISA:  No.  I joined one of those nice cults. We do the aliens.

GINA:  Aliens?

LISA:  Yeah, we think everybody's an alien.

GINA:  Everybody is an alien. You should see the guy who was driving in front of me this morning. God forbid he use a turn signal.

LISA:  I don't know if I believe the whole alien thing, but I keep my mouth shut, because Gina, you should see my bank account.

GINA:  Well yeah, are you paying rent in this mansion you're living in?

LISA:  No!  It's owned by this girl whose grandfather owned a railroad.

GINA:  Like in Monopoly?

LISA:  Like in Monopoly. Like her grandfather was Uncle Penny Pockets.

GINA:  Good for her. My grandfather owned a collection of empty Heineken bottles and a Dean Martin autograph.

LISA:  He could get good money for that.

GINA:  I keep telling him, but he doesn't want to hear it.

LISA:  This is the first time I've put on any clothes in weeks.

GINA:  It's a nude cult?

LISA:  No, no, we wear robes.

GINA:  Robes?

LISA:  Robes. Likes Robespierre.

GINA:  You walk around in robes all day?

LISA:  And all night.

     (A beat.)

GINA:  That sounds nice.

LISA:  You know when you wake up in the morning and you put on a robe? It's like that, but all day.

GINA:  I could get into that.

LISA:  And there's always coffee going. Somebody's always making coffee.

GINA:  You can drink coffee in your cult?

LISA:  Oh yeah.

GINA:  Because my cousin Markie--you know Markie?

LISA:  With the leg?

GINA:  With the leg, yeah.

LISA:  How's she doing with that?

GINA:  Good days, bad days.

LISA:  God love her.

GINA:  She was in a cult in 97, 98--and she said 'No coffee.'

LISA:  See, I wouldn't join a cult like that.

GINA:  How are you going to give up coffee?

LISA:  I couldn't do it. I need my coffee.

GINA:  I told her, 'Markie, you do whatever you want with your life, but don't try to get me to join, because I'm not giving up coffee.'

LISA:  We can have coffee in ours. We can do whatever we want.

GINA:  That sounds great.

LISA:  What else am I doing?

GINA:  No, it's true, you weren't doing anything.

LISA:  Now, I got no bills. I get to wear a robe all day. I do have to hug a lot of people, but--

GINA:  Lots of hugging, huh?

LISA:  Yeah, I don't love that part, but, you know--

GINA:  I guess that's not the worst thing I ever heard.

LISA:  My mother's freaking out. What if they try to get you to drink the Kool-Aid?

GINA:  Is there really Kool-Aid?

LISA:  I been in this cult three months. I've never seen Kool-Aid.

GINA:  Interesting.

LISA:  And I'm in charge of stocking the kitchen. You think I'm buying Kool-Aid?

GINA:  You wouldn't.

LISA:  Do you know how much Kool-Aid costs these days?

GINA:  Please. You should see me trying to buy carrots. I feel like Marie Antoinette asking for brownies.

LISA:  I'm not buying any Kool-Aid. They want to poison themselves, they're going to have to do it with rigatoni.

GINA:  Did you see that deal on rigatoni at the market?

LISA:  Why do you think I bought it?

GINA:  Three for one.

LISA:  I got a whole pantry full of rigatoni now.

GINA:  Do the cult people like rigatoni?

LISA:  If they don't like it, they don't eat.

GINA:  If they don't eat, they live.

LISA:  Exactly.

GINA:  Good for you. It sounds like you're having fun.

LISA:  It's all right.

GINA:  You guys got an open house or anything? I want to come see what it's about.

LISA:  You should come to the talent show we have next week.

GINA:  Oh yeah? That sounds fun.

LISA:  You busy next week?

GINA:  Lisa.

LISA:  Yeah?

GINA:  What am I doing?

LISA:  I know.

GINA:  What's anybody doing right?

LISA:  Not much to do.

GINA:  Might as well go check out a cult.

LISA:  The robes are nice.

GINA:  I was going to say, I bet they're nice.

LISA:  Great robes. Very plush.

GINA:  Love that.

LISA:  Love a good robe.

GINA:  What's your talent?

LISA:  Oh, I don't do that.

GINA:  Okay.

LISA:  I don't do everything.

GINA:  Yeah.

LISA:  It's just like anything else, you take what you like and you leave the rest.

GINA:  That's a good way to do it.

LISA:  That's the best way to join a cult.

     End of Play