When George Spit in My Mouth

When George spit in my mouth

I had no idea

What was going on

We typically make love

Three or four times a year

Which I know is not a lot

But it’s more than my friend--

Well, I won’t say

Which friend

But one of my friends

Only has sex with her husband

Once a year

On Memorial Day

And I don’t know why Memorial Day

Because when she told me

‘Memorial Day’

I certainly wasn’t going to ask

But it’s Memorial Day

And that’s it

For the year

So George and I--

I think, uh,

Comparatively

Are doing much better

Than, uh, that

But--

He did ask

Before we went to bed last week--

Before we make love, uh,

He will usually signal to me

By telling me

What a long day he had

‘Oh, I had a long day today’

And that’s my cue

To put the extra blanket down

Because neither one of us

Can feel frisky

If we’re cold

But last week

After he said--

‘Oh, I had a long day today’

He looked at me

And asked

If I was feeling...adventurous

I wasn’t sure

What he meant

But I knew he was, uh,

In the mood

And so I said--

‘Sure’

--And I thought he meant--

Well, you know,

He and I

We’re not prudes

We’ve gotten a bit wild

In our time

We once made out

In the back of a taxi

Back when he was going

To Columbia

And I was at Fordham

One time we engaged

In a little foreplay

In the living room

Before going upstairs

And that wasn’t even

That long ago

Which is to say

I’m not opposed

To stepping outside the box

To keep things interesting

That’s a-okay with me

Uh, but that being said

When we got into bed

I could tell something

Was different

For one thing

George was wearing cologne

And not the cheap kind

Our son gets him

For Christmas

This was good cologne

And he had, uh, shaved

Quite a bit

Of his body

Which was

Unusual for him

And he just seemed

More passionate

Than normal

I would find out later

That he had read a book

About recapturing

The zest in your marriage

That was marketed

To the kind of men

Who go on wilderness retreats

And normalize hugging

Their softball teammates

I’m all for that kind of

Male sensitivity

But I had no idea

It would unlock in my husband

This urge to explore

His repressed sexual desires

And when I say desires

I am referring

To, uh, his urge

To spit in my mouth

We were in the throes of it

And, uh, admittedly

I was having a wonderful time

And George is right on top of me

Looking at me

And he says--

‘May I spit in your mouth?’

And I thought I heard him wrong

I thought--

I thought he said--

‘Did you turn off the stove?’

Because that’s usually

What we talk about in bed

And so I said--

‘Yes’

And the next thing I know

He did it

He spit in my mouth

Well, straight away

I started gagging

Not choking, exactly
But gagging

I flung George off of me

And ran into the bathroom

To rinse out my mouth

And as I’m doing it

George is yelling--

‘What’s wrong? What’s wrong?’

And me, with a mouth full of Listerine,

I’m trying to yell back at him--

‘You spit in my mouth! You spit in my mouth!’

Well, I guess George

Had been reading this article

In Esquire

All about how some women

Are made aroused

By having their partner

Spit in their mouth

And he thought

I may be interested in that as well

Of course, he didn’t think to ask

Before the height of passion

Because he also read

That women love spontaneity

And that was how I ended up

With my husband’s saliva

Where only my saliva should be

Once I calmed down

We sat on the bed

And he explained to me

How he was just trying

To liven things up

Because in the same issue of Esquire

Where the spitting was promoted

There was an article

About a marriage that broke up

After twenty-six years

Because the spark had gone out

In the bedroom

I explained to George

That everybody knows

The twenty-sixth year of marriage

Is always the hardest

And once you push through that

It’s all smooth sailing

Whether or not

You start exchanging mouth fluid

With your wife

Then we got in our pajamas

And I went back to reading
My Fiona Apple biography

And he went back to his crossword puzzles

And the rest of the evening

Was standard and satisfying

But…

Since it’s just you and me

I guess I can tell you that…

It did sort of…

Turn me on?

It was so outside my comfort zone

That the minute it happened

I think I went into shock

And reacted the way

I thought I was supposed to react

But thinking back on it later

I found that the idea of it

The intimacy of it

And the absurdity that it should

Repulse me--

I mean, this is a man

I had children with

Someone I have

Created life with

And I should balk

At a little spit?

So last night

After I had put on

One of my fragrances

And a purple negligee

I got on sale

At Nordstrom Rack

I made my way

Into the bedroom

And when George

Looked up from his crossword

I asked him

How long his day was

‘Very long,’ he said, ‘Very, very long’

And I said--

‘Oh George, having a day that long

Must make you so mad’

He went along with it

Letting me guide him

‘Oh yes,’ he said, ‘Very, very mad’

And right before

I hit the lights

I said--

‘I bet it makes you

So mad

You could

Spit’