A Theoretical Physicist Leaves His Wife

Technically I left you four years ago
And technically we never met at all
And technically we lasted our entire marriage
Without so much as a fight or squabble

And technically we had kids
And technically we didn't
And technically I still love you
Even though that's one of the possibilities
That doesn't hold as much possibility
As all the other...possibilities

I'm leaving you, Miranda

If it gives you any comfort
Know that somewhere
A version of me
Is not leaving you

Know that somewhere
Two versions of ourselves
Have managed to make work
What we have failed so miserably at

Optimism, I find, lies solely in imagining scenarios
That may or may not exist
On another timeline
Similar to our own

So when I say sometimes
I really mean 'some times'
As in 'Some times we had kids'
And some times they're good kids
And some times they're awful
And some times when they're good it has nothing to do with us
And some times when they're bad it has everything to do with us
And how unhappy we are

And some times we have pets instead
We're pet people
And we're happy about it
And some times we're not happy about it
And some times we're people who sit on separate chairs
In the same room
With a couch between us
That we never even think of using

And some times I'm the man you married forever
And some times I was never the man you married
And some times it's my fault
And some times it's yours
But no matter who's fault it is
It still feels the same

Isn't that funny?
Or not funny?
Or just...

Some times we never even meet
We never marry
And we go on to do great things
And become great people

And some times we marry other people
Who treat us better or worse
And some times we die alone
Wishing we could have met someone
Anyone
And those are sad times
The worst times, actually

Some times I'm brave and I leave you sooner
Some times you leave me
Some times we hate each other and we sleep on expensive sheets
And some times we love each other and we sleep on the floor

Some times I lie awake next to you at night
And imagine a situation
Where I could be holding you
As we lay in this bed
But try as I might

I can't

I can't even imagine it

When you're a theoretical physicist
And you can't even imagine
Holding your wife
Your marriage has, I'm afraid
Reached a crosswords

It was easier for me to imagine us as moonwalkers
Inhabiting a desolate landscape
Living in a pod, eating vaporized ice cream
Giving birth to squid children
Than it was for me to imagine me holding you
Or you smiling at me
Or me loving you
Or you needing me

Again, ever, etc, etc, that kinda thing

There are so many ways
This could have gone
And it makes the unraveling of it all
More bearable and more tragic
All at once

I lie awake next to you
And I'm amongst the stars
Past the point where I could care
About the two of us
Or the grander problems
Of today's world
At this point in time

Just a man floating in space
Miles away from his present reality

I tell myself I'll land somewhere
Or get sucked into a planet's orbit
And explode

But instead I just float
Far, far away from it all
The same way I drift off to sleep

But right before I do
I wonder which timeline
I'm going to wake up in

And I realize that I don't care if it's one where I'm happy
As long as it's one where you're happy
Where I haven't hurt you
Or let you down

The timeline you deserve, Miranda
And the man to go with it

I think about that
I wish for it
And I wonder what it'll all be like
When I have to open my eyes