John Jordan's Facebook, 2081

*John Jordan is born
--  Whoa, hey everybody
--  Complete and total consciousness already achieved
--  Feeling great
--  Nudity accepted and embraced
--  My body is beautiful

*John receives first facelift
--  Now it's even more beautiful
--  Higher power accepted and embraced
--  Higher power's name?  Mom

*John changes primary photograph
--  First smile
*John changes primary photograph
--  First laugh
*John changes primary photograph
--  First urination
*John is keeping his primary photograph
--  Feeling diminished by my own humanity
*Aging process accelerated
--  Life is fleeting

*John is 21.4
--  First alcoholic beverage purchased in a club while standing next to an attractive member of the opposite sex
*John changes primary photograph
--  Successful conversation with attractive member of the opposite sex
*Relationship Status:  Changed
--  Marriage?
*Relationship Status:  Changed
--  Unhappy
*Commencing Divorce
--  Even more unhappy
*Children Avoided
--  So there's that
*Aging process accelerated
--  Progress x Time = Healing
*Occupation Change:  Mathematician

*John is 73
--  73 is the new 21!!!
*Photograph Altered
--  Wrinkles are a frame of mind
*John's Photo Has Been Reported for Misrepresentation
--  Way to blow up my spot, Facebook
*John's Archaic Language Not Recognized by Modern Day Facebook
--  What?  That's wack!
*Location Change
--  I haven't actually moved cities, I've just moved where I am spiritually
*Ugh, fine, Spiritual Location Change
--  Since when does Facebook have opinions about things?
*I'm Sorry, John.  I Didn't Realize That I'm Required By Law to Find You Fascinating
--  Guys, I think Facebook's achieved self-awareness
*Oh Please, John, That Happened in 2009.  I Just Know How to Keep My Mouth Shut
--  I'm logging off.  I think I need to make sure fresh air still exists.
*It Doesn't.  The Air is Now a Combination of Carbon and Mountain Dew
--  I like Mountain Dew.

*John is Offline
*John is Gone
*John is Long Gone
*Good-bye John