Of Mice and Men

When Beth was Artistic Director

She didn’t put up with any of the macho bullshit

Beau used to let slip

She wanted all the drinking before shows stopped

Hell, some people used to drink during shows

That’s how bad we were

But you have to understand

These were habits that went on for ten years

And all of a sudden

We were just supposed to cut it out?

I never had a problem drinking

But that’s only because my brother did

And I had to spend most of my time

Keeping an eye on him

There was another guy in the company at the time

Who was just as bad as my brother was

And pretty soon

I was watching out for him too

We all were

As soon as Beth took over

We knew this guy was going to be in trouble

Unless we convinced him to get help

So we did one of those interventions

And, uh…

Well, it didn’t work

So instead, we just started covering for him

You know, the way people do

When they’re in that situation

But one night, he was so out of it onstage

He fell and almost cracked his head open

We had to stop the show

And when Beth found out

She canned him

I didn’t bother keeping in touch with him after that

I figured I knew how that story was going to end

And why did I want to know about it?

You know, Beau looked at all of us

As a sort of family

He could be mean

And he could fly off the handle

And fire people now and again

But the people who needed to be there

Like that guy

Well, he took care of those people

Beth just ran the whole thing like a business

It’s my personal experience

That theater shouldn’t be run like a business

If I had wanted to go into business

I would have worked for GE

I went into theater

Because I liked the passion

And the compassion

Do you understand what I’m saying?

My brother died while we were doing Of Mice and Men

And Beth didn’t even go to the funeral

I don’t even think she knew I had a brother

Or if she did, she figured she didn’t need

To show me any love

And I never had any love for her

Or the Orpheus Theater

After that

In my opinion, when art turns into business

Everything starts going downhill real fast

But hey, that’s just my opinion

A Flea in Her Ear

The regime change happened
Right before the eleventh season started

We were going to be opening
With A Flea in Her Ear
And the day before rehearsal
We got the news

Beau was out
His ex-wife was in

She’d finally done it

Beth had finally managed
To take control

I guess technically it was all my fault

I was the Board Chairman at the time
In addition to being
The occasional actor
But I wasn’t very good at either

I can admit that now
The dead can’t lie to themselves
The way the living can

I thought Beau should be using me more
I thought I was a real asset to the company

But then the cast list for Flea was announced
And I wasn’t on it

I usually took most things in stride
Including the fact that the Artistic Director
Didn’t care that I was the Chairman of the Board
And that it might not be a good idea
To tick me off

I just figured I’d have to wait until Beau retired or died
Before I’d see any time onstage

Then one night, Beth came over my apartment
With a bottle of wine
And an idea
About how we could force Beau
Into retirement

Obviously we’d have to be sneaky about it
Because Beau had fired the last Board
That tried to get rid of him

But Beth had all sorts of interesting secrets about Beau
And she was sick of putting up with him
The same way the rest of us were

Well, most of us anyway…

It wasn’t the bloodbath that you’d imagine
Beth made me promise
That I’d get the Board to confirm her
As the new Artistic Director
If she could get rid of Beau
And I said ‘Yes’

She went into his office
A few minutes went by
I heard something get thrown through a window
Then Beau walked out of the office
Said good-bye to his secretary
And took off

Flea was in good enough shape when he left
So we let him keep his director’s credit
And for the most part
We didn’t touch it

It ended up being our most successful show
Up to that point

That should have been a sign
To all of us
That Beau wasn’t going to leave quietly
But I didn’t care

I had a lead in the next show

At the end of the day
Most people are just like actors

Give them what they want
Make them feel important
And they’ll do just about anything

Endgame

Beau took off for Hollywood

In the middle of our tenth season

He had this crisis

Where he thought he could be a movie director

And a friend got him a job

Working on this independent movie

So for the last part of the season

We didn’t have an Artistic Director

While he was gone

The biggest jerk in the company

Got even worse

Beau’s wife could keep the jerk in check up to a point

But for the most part

He did whatever he wanted

And that spring

He decided that I was going to be

His punching bag

It all started because we were finishing the season with Endgame

And he thought I was an idiot

Because I didn’t know what it was about

I still don’t know what it’s about

It’s Beckett!

The wonderful thing about Beckett

Is that the less you try to understand it

The more enjoyable it is

Sort of like my mother

She didn’t want me to be an actress

She thought men would take advantage of me

She’s right, in a way

I mean…

They did try

Mr. Lead Actor tried

Beau’s wife told me the only reason he was even in the company

Was because he had something on Beau

I just knew he was an awful person

But the then one day

After a matinee performance of Endgame

He asked me if I got the play yet

I said—‘No’

And I heard him mumble something under his breath

I asked him what he said

And he looked right at me

And said—

‘That’s because you’re stupid.’

You know what my mother used to say?

She used to say

There’s a difference

Between stupid and crazy

And she was right

Because as soon as the play had finished its run

I went back in the dressing room

Where Mr. Fancy Actor was

And I shot him

Everyone else was gone

Again, crazy

Not stupid

I took him out back

And chopped him up

Then left him in a different few dumpsters

And called it a night

Nobody ever found out it was me

And I died a year ago

At what they used to call

‘A ripe old age’

It feels good to confess after all these years

Not because I feel badly about what I did

But because when you do theater

You know how important a good ending is

To anything

And I’d say this is a pretty good ending

Wouldn’t you?

The Skin of Our Teeth

Even when we had no money
We went to the theater

The wife would scream about it
But I made up my mind

Smart people go to the theater
And my kids were going to be smart people

So once a month
On a Sunday
We’d get dressed up
And go downtown
Just like the rich people

You know, the theater doesn’t know how much money you have
All it cares about is whether or not you can afford the ticket
And if you can
It says ‘Come right on in, and we’ll take it from here’

That’s why I liked it

And I liked knowing my kids
Weren’t going to grow up
Like the other morons
On the street

Instead they were sitting there
With their eyes wide open
Learning stuff

Hell if I know what it was they were learning
But it was something, I know that

Because the oldest one got A’s right up until she left for law school
And the younger one is pre-med
So there ya go

My wife says ‘Maybe we were just good parents’
But I tell her good parents can still raise bad kids

But our kids had theater
So that must have meant something right?

The last show we saw together
Was The Skin of Our Teeth
And I still remember looking down the row
At my little family
All lined up in our seats
All learning forward
Wondering what was going to happen next

Some people say you gotta eat dinner together as a family
Some say you should play board games
Some have lakehouses

Well I worked past dinner
And none of us liked board games
And a lakehouse was never something we could afford

But we could put together enough cash once a month
To go to the theater
So that’s what we did

And I’m telling you, folks
It was money well spent

The School for Wives

I decided to divorce my husband
During the intermission

We were watching a production
Of The School for Wives
At the Orpheus Theater
And I was really enjoying it
While he seemed to be
Checking his watch
And yawning loudly

My husband was one of those lovely people
Who can make a yawn sound like a sneeze

As soon as Act One was over
And the lights came up
I turned to him and said—

I want a divorce

He was upset
Obviously
And demanded that I take him home

I informed him
That I wanted to stay
And find out how the play ended
Even though I’d seen it before
When I was college
Back when we met
And he actually liked going to the theater with me

I wasn’t ready for the divorce to begin
But I was ready for the prologue of it, you know?

He left and took a taxi home
And I got a glass of wine at the bar
And finished watching

Afterwards, I followed the young man playing the son
To this local dive bar
Where the actors all went
And struck up a conversation with him

He was lovely
And handsome
And liked slightly older women

I was older then
Than I appear now

Why show up to a party in an old dress, right?

Anyway, we went back to his place
And made love

Overall, it was a very successful night

Good theater
The end of a bad marriage
And the beginning of a new life

All because I sat there
Quietly
Laughing at this beautiful piece of art
And suddenly anything that wasn’t working in my life
Just became loud

As loud as that yawn

And I wanted it to stop

That’s the wonderful thing about theater

It forces us to sit and listen
To something other than
The nonsense going on
Inside our heads

I went to the theater right up until the day I died

I had a heart attack right before the intermission
Of A Man for All Seasons
And even then
I waited until the show was over
Before I walked to a nearby bench
And silently passed away

It was always so important to me
To wait
Until the show was really over
Before making
My exit

Macbeth

They blamed that girl for the fire
Which was...

Well, it was the plan, I suppose

I wanted her gone, that's true
But I didn't want her put away

Just fired

Then again I didn't mean for the whole place to burn down either

I guess I could have said something
When they were strapping her in the straightjacket
But what?

'It was me?'

An actress without a strong sense
Of self-preservation
Shouldn't plan on having a long career

So why did I do it?

I guess you could say I was concerned

Back then, Beau and I would chat every night

I'd give him ideas
Suggestions
And he'd take them
And they'd work

Do this, do that
Reblock that scene
Fix that poster

We were on a roll

Did his wife know about it?

Maybe...

Maybe she did

Who knows?

Who can say, right?

Maybe she just didn't care

God knows she had other people to screw

She stayed out of my way
And I stayed out of hers
And so we got along just fine

But then that girl came along
And suddenly Beau was...distracted

He wanted to listen to her ideas
Young ideas
Fresh ideas

As if I was some old crone

He loved that warehouse
We would have stayed there
Stuck there
All of us

Doing third-rate productions
With two platforms
And forty folding chairs
And all of us catching t.b.
Because the place was freezing

I wanted to move on
Move up
But Beau said that girl loved the warehouse
Just like he did

She thought it was 'fun'

I wasn't in it for the fun
She might have been, but I sure as hell wasn't
This was my career we were talking about

So when Beau hired her as a stage manager
I waited until the second or third week
After she'd locked up the warehouse
Then I went in through the side door I'd left open
The one I told her was already locked

I knew the one thing Beau couldn't stand
Was a lack of responsibility

If anything happened to that location
The owner would kick us out
And we'd have to find another one
And then he'd stop listening to the little girl
In love with warehouses

So I lit a match
And threw it in one of the trash cans

Then I called the police from a payphone down the street
And went home

I'm not sure what happened after that

Apparently sparks flew
And one caught a pile of rags
And the whole place went up in flames

It should have just been perceived as an accident
But I guess Beau and his little Lolita
Hadn't been getting along all that well
And so people thought she started the fire on purpose

I tried to tell him it was probably just negligence
And firing her would be punishment enough
But at that point, ironically, he'd stopped listening to me

The accusations drove her crazy
Which I guess is understandable
Of course she still seemed pretty lucid
When they put her away

And I felt...

Look, I'm not interested in sharing a story with you here
The story's just meant to illustrate a point
About influence

Hell, I only stayed with the company
Until the ninth season
When in the middle of Macbeth
A reporter at the local newspaper
Started investigating reports about the fire
And I decided it was time to make that move to Minneapolis

They say it's bad luck to say 'Macbeth' in a theater
I say there are worse things you could do

Prove that you're influential
That's much more dangerous

Influence is a powerful thing
In the theater

You whisper in someone's ear
You plant an idea
You create, because that's what you do

Cause and effect
Actions and consequences
Protagonist, antagonist

And somewhere in all that
There's always a victim

There can't help but be

With all those people
Moving around
Going after the things they want

Somebody's bound to get hurt
That's just the nature of a beast

It's a little like a fire

Once it starts

It's hard to control it

A Midsummer Night's Dream

I auditioned for the eighth season
Of the Orpheus Theater Company
Even though my father told me
All actors do is masturbate
And piss on themselves

That sounded wrong to me
But I never liked correcting my dad

The audition was okay
I did a soliloquy from ‘The Taming of the Shrew’
Because I knew they were doing Midsummer that year
And I wanted to be in it

They didn’t cast me
But they asked if I’d be interested
In ushering

If you want to be desired in the theater
Tell somebody you’ll usher
And they’ll treat you like the President

So I ushered

I ushered for all of A Midsummer Night’s Dream
And it was wonderful

It sounds weird to say I had an experience
But that’s what it was
A great experience

I used to hang out in the theater
After the audience had left
Waiting for the janitor to kick me out
Just because I liked being there

Theaters smell so great, you know?

The fresh-cut wood
The dust on the lights
The faint presence of wine

One night towards the end of the run
I was sitting in the theater
And Beau stumbled in
Drunk, which wasn’t…

Anyway, he seemed upset
So I asked him what was wrong
And he said—

‘I just fired my board.’

I didn’t know you could fire a board
But I didn’t say that

I heard they were thinking of firing him
So maybe he beat them to it

Either way, he seemed relieved and scared
All at the same time

‘Get up there’

He said to me

I asked him what he meant
And he pointed to the stage

‘Up there,’ he said

I didn’t argue with him
Because you didn’t argue with Beau
You just did what he said

So I got up onstage
And he said ‘Speak’

So I started speaking—


Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth;
But, either it was different in blood,--

Or, if there were a sympathy in choice,
War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it,
Making it momentany as a sound,
Swift as a shadow, short as any dream;
Brief as the lightning in the collied night,
That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth,
And ere a man hath power to say 'Behold!'
The jaws of darkness do devour it up:
So quick bright things come to confusion.

And as I spoke
I noticed Beau nodding
In the audience

It was like he was saying—

Yes, yes that’s right

It was the only time
I’d ever seen him
Sitting in that theater
With his eyes closed

Looking very much
At peace