The Physics of Getting It Right

Pull up to the apartment
Look at yourself in the rearview mirror
Asses yourself

Hair?  --Maintained
Breath?  --Berry Mints, Double, Triple Up
Outfit?  --New, Picked Out by Several Gays Who Know More Than You Do
Teeth, Lack of Muscle, Bags Under Your Eyes, and an Overall Lack of Confidence?

--Too late now

Knock on the door
Wait
Knock again?
Don't knock again

Who are you?
Who would knock again?
Who would be that impatient?

Do you need another mint?

Take this opportunity
To inhale another mint
But suck on it so that it will dissolve faster
Because you don't want to have him open the door
To find you sucking on a mint
Like you're some kind of--

Door open
Girl

"Hi"
"Hi"

Roommate
Pretty
Blonde
Clearly about to go out

"I'm _________"
"I'm _________"
"Nice to meet you."
"You too"
"You too"
"Nice to meet you."
"I'm _________"
"I'm _________"

Stop

Stop this

Focus

Go forward

Don't let this happen again

Sit on the couch

"He'll be out in a second."

Nod
Answer her?
No, just nod

Keep the talking to a minimum
You talk too much

Do you know that?

You do

So why do you do it?

Why do you talk so much?

Never mind

This is instructional

This is about instruction

Tonight is all about the instructions
You give yourself
To make this
A success

You will be instructed
You will be inspired
You will not talk so--

'Hi'

Look at him

He's here

The roommate is gone
Has gone
Off for the night

He's

He's

'Hi'

He's

'You look--'

Did he say that?
Did you?

Try not to stare
Try not to smile too big
(Those teeth, remember?)

Try not to let him know
You are already
Desperately
Hopelessly
Crazy
About him

Say 'Hello'

Wait for him to hit lights
Fix his hair
Put on a new shirt

Make conversation
But please, let him talk

Take him downstairs

Watch the cold hit him
The new cold
That wasn't here
When you went in

Curse yourself for not wearing a jacket
That you could put over him

Realize that he's not a woman
You don't drape a jacket over a man

Stop at the hot dog stand by his apartment

'Do you have hot chocolate?'

Hot dog stands don't have
Hot chocolate

But this one does

Because this is your time, right?

Your time to get it right

Hand him the hot chocolate
Then open the door for him

Opening the door is polite
It's not a male gesture to a woman
It's just a polite gesture

Watch the road as you drive
Watch it curve and loop
Much more than a city road
Normally would

This is a reminder to you
That this, in many ways, is real
But that it's also fragile

It can break at any second

Pull up to the restaurant
Let the valet park the car
Wish you drove a nicer car
A car that doesn't require two minutes of instruction
To let the valet know
About all its quirks and oddities

Tap the break
Careful backing up
The automatic locks don't work

Don't concern yourself with this

He doesn't care about cars
He doesn't care about you being suave
He doesn't care about being wined and dined

Or maybe he does

But if he does
Then you're done
And you were done
Before you even began

So just don't worry about it

Try and enjoy dinner

Order something fancy
So that he'll feel comfortable enough
To order something equally as fancy

Start a conversation

Avoid talking about physics

If he brings up physics
For whatever reason he might bring up physics
Change the subject

Avoid talking about possibilities

The possibility that somewhere
Two men
Two young men
Identical to you and he
Are sitting in a totally different restaurant

Or not sitting anywhere near each other

In some situations
In some possibilities
The two of you have never even met

In some you hate each other
In others, you've already been together for years
And right now you're laying in bed together
Tracing lines down each other's bodies
Trading secrets back and forth
To see how deep into the other person's past you can go
Before it starts hurting

And realizing it's not
And it doesn't
And it's beautiful
And it's poetic
And it's stupid
And it's perfect

Snap back

Back to the situation
You find yourself in

Not the ideal of you laying in bed
Playing with fingers
You'll put on a ring on someday

But not the scenario
Where he's with somebody terrible
Instead of you
And you're in bed on a Saturday night
Crippled by how hard it is
To know he's going to be hurt
And not be able to stop it

To only be able to imagine other scenarios
Other situations
Other possibilities

At least it's not that

Be grateful it's not that

Watch him eat a giant piece of cake
And laugh at him in spite of yourself

Feel relieved when he laughs too

Feel confident enough
To rub away the spot of chocolate
Next to his lips

Feel strong enough
To make eye contact and hold it

Just hold it

Try to see if you can tell him things
Just by looking at him

'You're incredible'
'Give me a chance'
'I could keep you safe'

And what do you mean by safe?

If what you're trying to do actually worked
If he was able to get what you're saying
Just by looking at you
Looking at him

And he asked you--

'What does safe mean?'

What would you say?

Would you tell him you could pull together
All the different worlds existing
Right at this moment

And make one
Where it's safe
For the two of you
To be together

Without the danger of break-ups
Arguments, black holes
Evolution, other men

Would you tell him that your arms are like that of Atlas
And that you can hold it all up
With him on top of it
Without either of you having to worry
That it'll all come crashing down

Can you get him to believe the ideal
Instead of the real?

Is that how he'll be safe?

By embracing a different possibility

Where you're charming
And he's charmed by you
And something as simple
As chocolate on his chin
Is enough to bring you two together?

Let your other hand inch toward his
Let his fingertips mildly, quietly
Touch yours

Ask him if he wants to leave

Nod before he says yes

He says yes

Throw some money down on the table
Tip generously

Run out into the street
Where it's raining

In the rain, see colors start to wipe off
The buildings
The faces of people running by
The curving, crawling streets

Forget your car
Be bold
Hail a taxicab

Let him get in first
Instruct the driver
Instruct him that you'd like to go
To Boston Harbor

When he asks you which Boston Harbor
You realize this is coming to an end

The people in this possibility
Are becoming aware
Of the parts they're playing
And they're happy to play them
But they want to make sure
They're getting it right

'Which Boston Harbor?'

The one with the boats
The one with the crime
The one with the fog
The one with the opportunity
To jump on a ship
And never come back

Tell him, say--

'We just want to sit by the water'

And pull the boy next to you in close
As the taxi drives
Through the melting streets

Arrive at Boston Harbor
And pay the cab
But don't worry about tipping

It's not necessary now

Take his hand
And lead him down a few steps
To a spot where you can both
Dangle your feet
Over the harbor

See the circles appear in the water

Answer him when he asks you
What the pictures in the circles
Represent

'They're what could happen'

Be more specific

'They're what could happen if you get it wrong'

If you
If we
If this doesn't
If this can't
If we can't

Don't worry

He gets it

In one circle

Two men are lying
Next to two other men

In another
He's lying next to a man
And they're both much older

And then split down the middle is a wavy line
And on the other side is you
Much older
In a bed by yourself

'You look so sad,' he says

Tell him the truth

'I'm a little sad in all of them'

Run your hand through his hand
So that it's tricky to figure out
Which is yours and which is his

Feel how warm they are

Then say--

'This'

And look at him

This

This ideal

This possibility

The only possibility where this is

'This is the only one where I'm not sad'

Notice his mouth open slightly
Notice his eyes glance downward
Notice him understand

'But this isn't...'

Nod

'I know,' then, 'But that's okay'

Watch the circles open and close
Watch the ripples in the water go over them
Washing away anything that seems real

Put your arm around him
Put your face up against his cheek
Put your trust in him

'This could be real,' he says, 'Couldn't it?'

Feel the urge
The desire
To tell him it could

To tell him that in some other circle
He loves you
And it just hasn't appeared in the water yet
But if you keep watching...

'I don't think it can'

Oh...

You were honest

Well...

That's unusual

For this scenario anyway

And then you stop

You stop all of it
The way a mother might calmly stop
A small child
Intent on running into something

You stop and say--

'I'll take it from here'

And you do

And the instructions end

And something is right

Something has been achieved

And as it ends

It was

Exactly

As it should be