Call Me When the World Ends

(The gym.  Locker room.  MEGLEY comes in and starts changing from regular clothes to work-out clothes.  SHAWN enters a few moments later, sees MEGLEY, starts to panic a little bit, then decides to do what he came to do.  He proceeds to change as well, but isn’t really focused on it.)

SHAWN:  (Clearing his throat.)  Megley?

MEGLEY:  Huh?

SHAWN:  Megley, right?  John, but your friends call you—

MEGLEY:  Megley.  Megley’s my last name, so—

SHAWN:  John.  Megley.  Megley, got it.  Nice to meet you.

MEGLEY:  And you’re--?

SHAWN:  Shawn Cavert.  My friends call me…Shawn.

MEGLEY:  Nice to meet you, Shawn.

                (A beat.)

SHAWN:  Sooo…this comet, huh?

MEGLEY:  Yeah.  I guess we’re all going to die.

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  Sucks.

SHAWN:  Oh my God, sucks so much.

MEGLEY:  Like—what the hell?

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  Anyway.

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  I wasn’t going to work out, because like, why?  But then, I didn’t know what else to do.  Sit around my apartment and watch Heather clean compulsively?

SHAWN:  Is Heather your—

MEGLEY:  Roommate.

SHAWN:  So not your girlfriend?

MEGLEY:  No, I don’t have a girlfriend.

SHAWN:  Because you’re--?

MEGLEY:  Single?

SHAWN:  Right, but I mean, you could…have a girlfriend?

MEGLEY:  Yeah, I mean, I could have a lot of things.

SHAWN:  Right, but—

MEGLEY:  Are you asking if I’m gay?

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  Oh.

                (A beat.)

SHAWN:  So--?

MEGLEY:  Are you asking because you, like, want to know?

SHAWN:  Why else would you ask something?

MEGLEY:  I mean, like, because you…?

SHAWN:  No, I—I mean—

MEGLEY:  I am.  (A beat.)  So…

SHAWN:  I love you.

MEGLEY:  I’m sorry?

SHAWN:  I love you.  I come to this gym every day.  Everyday you’re here.  I watch you work out.  I know that’s weird.  I hate working out.  I’m not even good at it.  Like, I don’t even think I’m in that great of shape and I come here every day because you come here every day and I would never come here in a million years if it wasn’t for you.  I just didn’t know what to—or I would have talked to you sooner, but—and now…

                (A beat.)

MEGLEY:  So you’re gay too?

SHAWN:  Yes, very much so.

MEGLEY:  You didn’t ask if I have a boyfriend.

SHAWN:  Oh.  Uh.  Do—

MEGLEY:  I have a boyfriend.

SHAWN:  Oh, I thought you said you were--

MEGLEY:  Single.  No.  I was asking if you were asking if I was single.  I'm not.  I have a boyfriend.

SHAWN:  Of course.  Of course you have a boyfriend.

MEGLEY:  He lives in London.

SHAWN:  Oh.  Well, that’s—okay.  Well, I sincerely apologize for—I apologize.

MEGLEY:  You don’t have to apologize.  I don’t think I’m ever going to see him again anyway.

SHAWN:  Oh really?

MEGLEY:  Well, they stopped flying all the planes for now.  So, he can’t really get here.

SHAWN:  Right.

MEGLEY:  So, I mean, if you wanted to, like, come over after the gym and hang out and stuff, that would be okay.

SHAWN:  Would that be—I mean, would your boyfriend be mad?

MEGLEY:  Well, I didn’t say we were going to do anything.

SHAWN:  Right.

MEGLEY:  I mean, I guess we could do something, but—

SHAWN:  That would be cheating.

MEGLEY:  Right.  Because I have a boyfriend.

SHAWN:  Right.

MEGLEY:  But he’s, like, not even here right now.

SHAWN:  Right, but still—

MEGLEY:  Yeah, I mean, if there really is a comet coming then it doesn’t really matter, but if it isn’t coming then I’m just an asshole.

SHAWN:  Yeah, that’s a…moral conundrum.

MEGLEY:  You said you loved me.

SHAWN:  Well, that was before I really knew you.  Now, I’m thinking it might have just been a physical thing.

MEGLEY:  You mean because I’m attractive?

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  Yeah, there’s that.

                (A beat.)

SHAWN:  Tell me something about your boyfriend.

MEGLEY:  Like what?

SHAWN:  I don’t know.  Anything.  I’m curious.

MEGLEY:  He’s too good for me.

SHAWN:  Really?

MEGLEY:  Yeah.

SHAWN:  Too good for you?

MEGLEY:  Yeah.

SHAWN:  Is there a gay Jesus I’m unaware of?

MEGLEY:  The thing is, I met him when I went to London, and we had this fling, and he’s a model—

SHAWN:  Shocker.

MEGLEY:  --And I don’t really believe in long distance relationships because of when stuff like this happens—

SHAWN:  You mean impending Apocalypses?

MEGLEY:  Yeah, Apocali.  And he can’t even be here for it, but, I don’t know, we, like, made sense, I guess.  Except for the distance thing.  And the fact that I don’t think he really likes me all that much.

SHAWN:  What makes you think that?

MEGLEY:  He has another boyfriend in London.

SHAWN:  Seriously?

MEGLEY:  Yeah.

SHAWN:  So then why have you?

MEGLEY:  Well, he needs a place to stay when he comes to America.  Plus, I think he thinks it’s cool that he has boyfriends all over the world.  There’s like a Paris boyfriend, and a Cape Town boyfriend—

SHAWN:  Cape Town boyfriends sing this song?

MEGLEY:  What?

SHAWN:  Never mind.  Continue.

MEGLEY:  It’s like his own little harem.  And I’m the American boyfriend.

SHAWN:  But you can’t have an American boyfriend?

MEGLEY:  No, because I’m a one-man kind of guy.

SHAWN:  That seems to put you in an awkward position.

MEGLEY:  It does, yeah.

SHAWN:  When was the last time you saw him?

MEGLEY:  Well, he came to visit last summer, but he spent the whole time in P-Town with his Barcelona boyfriend, so—

SHAWN:  Take out your phone.

MEGLEY:  What?

SHAWN:  Your phone.  Take it out.

                (MEGLEY goes in his gym bag and gets his phone.)

MEGLEY:  Okay.

SHAWN:  Call him.

MEGLEY:  My boyfriend?

SHAWN:  Yeah.  Call him.

MEGLEY:  But—

SHAWN:  Just do it, okay?  I’m feeling a surge of confidence and those only last for about a minute before I go back to being a wimp.  Call the guy.

(MEGLEY dials the number.  There is a pause.  Maybe it’s a sort of long-ish pause.  Then he speaks.)

MEGLEY:  Hi Vicente—

SHAWN:  Of course he has a douche name.  Tell him you’re standing in a locker room.

MEGLEY:  I’m—what?

SHAWN:  Just repeat after me.  I’m standing in a locker room.

MEGLEY:  I’m standing in a locker room.

SHAWN:  With a guy.

MEGLEY:  With a guy.

SHAWN:  Who has been obsessed with me for a really long time.

MEGLEY:  Who has been obsessed with me for a really long time.

SHAWN:  Because I’m a really attractive guy, and I’m probably also very nice, if not the sharpest knife in the cutlery set.

MEGLEY:  Huh?

SHAWN:  Because I’m hot and I’m nice and I’m—tanned.

MEGLEY:  Because I’m hot, nice, and I have a good tan.  I’m paraphrasing?

SHAWN:  That’s okay.  Say ‘I’m breaking up with you.’

MEGLEY:  What?

SHAWN:  I’m breaking up with you.

MEGLEY:  I—

SHAWN:  Do I need to do it?

MEGLEY:  Vincente, I’m breaking up with you.

SHAWN:  Because the world is ending.

MEGLEY:  Because the world is ending—maybe.

SHAWN:  And you should be here for that.

MEGLEY:  And you should be here for that.

SHAWN:  And not with some jerk from Guadalajara.

MEGLEY:  And not with some jerk from—Is that really a place?

SHAWN:  Say you deserve better.

MEGLEY:  I deserve better.

SHAWN:  Say it again.

MEGLEY:  I deserve better, Vicente.

SHAWN:  One more time.

MEGLEY:  I DESERVE BETTER!  AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN REALLY A MODEL!  THAT GUY JUST TOLD YOU HE WAS A PHOTOGRAPHER SO HE COULD TAKE PHOTOS OF YOU ON HIS PATIO!  HE DIDN’T EVEN PAY YOU!  I’M SO GLAD WE’RE BROKEN UP!  DELETE MY NUMBER!  I HATE YOU!

                (He hangs up.)

That’s, like, the longest voicemail I’ve ever left in my life.

SHAWN:  How do you feel?

MEGLEY:  Sad, but, like…Not about him, but about…all that time.

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  I really want to run.

SHAWN:  Like on the treadmill?

MEGLEY:  No, just—run.  Anywhere.  Out of here.  Away.  I don’t know.

SHAWN:  All right, so run.

MEGLEY:  Yeah, but—can you, um, run with me?

SHAWN:  Yeah.

MEGLEY:  But, like, I don’t know if I can run, like, right by you—right now.  I don’t know if I’m—ready for that.

SHAWN:  Then I’ll run behind you, and if you—ever—feel ready.  I’ll just—catch up.

MEGLEY:  Okay.  Sounds good.

                (He kisses SHAWN.)

Yeah.

SHAWN:  Yeah.  Let’s run.

                (They exit.)