Tony Hooper's Mom

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm finishing up sixth grade
Here at Pat Nixon middle school

I still don't know who Pat Nixon is
But they named a middle school after him
So I'm guessing he was either a really bad President
Or a really good baseball player

Every year, when spring comes around
And we're getting ready to start summer vacation
We have a big end of year dance
And all the parents chaperone it

Personally, I don't think that kind of dance sounds all that fun

Who wants to dance with a girl in front of their parents?
When I'm around my parents
I pretend girls don't even exist

One time my Dad and I were at the mall
And when we walked by a girl from my class and she said 'Hello'
I got so nervous I just kept walking
An my Dad said super loud--

'Why didn't you say 'Hello?'  You looked so creepy just then.  Now, that girl's going to think you're a serial killer like your Uncle Jim.'

I don't have an Uncle Jim
My Dad was just making that up
Because he thinks he's funny
Even though nobody laughs at him ever
And whenever he tells a joke
I fall on the floor
And start shaking
Like the devil has me in his hands
To try and show my dad how much his humor hurts me

That's my first of all

Second of all, my Dad and I get along okay
But my Mom and I are super close

When I was a kid
Every night, before I'd go to sleep
She'd come into my room and say
'Tony Hooper, if I could have had any kid in the whole world
I still would have asked for you.'

To which I'd usually say--

'Well, you got lucky the first time, Mom
But you should have known that wasn't going to happen
With the two other kids.'

That's a valuable lesson
Quit while you're ahead

Lately, I haven't been seeing my Mom as much
Because she wants to be a partner
At her law firm

I don't know what a law partner does
But if it's like being a partner in science class
Then that means it's super important
If you get a good partner
They'll write out the lab report for you

I got used to not having my mom around as much
But then my Mom said she wanted to chaperone the end of the year dance
And I was like--

Mom, you never chaperone anything!

My mom works during the day
So she usually misses field trips
Science fairs
And anything related to school
That doesn't involve having to talk to my teacher
When Fat Pants and I reenact scenes from Blood Slasher 3D in the hallway
Between classes

'Well,' my Mom said, 'I think it's time I started getting more involved.'

I knew what this was all about

A week ago, my Mom had to bring me to my friend Tony Mars' birthday party
And she came in to tell Tony's mom that my dad would be by to pick me up
Because she had to go back to the office
To get ready for a big meeting the next day

Then she walked in and saw all the other mom's
Standing around, talking, laughing about stuff

And I could see that my Mom didn't like being the only one
Who wasn't friends with all the other mom's

So she decided to chaperone my dance

That's my second of all

Part V is, when we got to the dance
I ran off to hang out with my friends
And left my mom with the other parents

It was a pretty fun dance
Faith and Tony Mars are boyfriend and girlfriend now
And Fat Pants won Spring King

(I may or may not have stuffed the ballot box
Everybody deserves a little applause sometimes)

Right before the end of the dance
I looked over to see my mom
Sitting against the wall
In one of those folding chairs
Trying to look like she was having a good time

I walked over and sat next to her

'Hey Mom,' I said, 'Why aren't you hanging out with the other mom's?'
'Oh,' she said, 'I don't think they like me very much.'
'You're just imagining that,' I said, 'You're great!  Why wouldn't they like you?'

My mom shrugged and said--

'Sometimes Moms who work and Moms who stay at home have trouble understanding each other.'

'But there are all kinds of different Moms,' I said, 'Faith just has a Mom and not a Dad, Sarah's Mom is her Grandma, and my friend Scotty doesn't even have a Mom--he has two Dads.'

'What do you think of that," my Mom asked

'I think he's the best dressed kid in school, he's got a great haircut, and the rest is none of my business.'

My mom laughed
Which made me feel better

I think when you're a kid you think your parents are super strong
And nothing bothers them
And that they don't care about anything but work
But then you realize
They're just like you are

They worry about people liking them too
And whether or not people want to hang out with them
Or invite them to things
Or ask them to dance

So I asked my Mom if she wanted to dance the last dance with me

'You sure you want to dance your last dance with your Mom,' she asked me

'Mom,' I said, 'If I could pick anybody to dance with in the whole world, I'd still pick you.'

At first, we were the only mother and son dancing on the dance floor
But never it let be said that Tony Hooper is not a trendsetter
Pretty soon everybody had grabbed one of the chaperones
And was dancing with them

And it was the best last dance ever
In the history of the school
Because everybody had somebody
To dance with

You know, I didn't know him personally
But I bet Mr. Pat Nixon
Would have been real proud