The Same Kind of Crazy
(ASHLEY and TREVOR are sitting on a
rooftop. TREVOR is eating pretzels.)
ASHLEY
I was supposed to go to
Harvard.
TREVOR
Do you want a pretzel?
ASHLEY
I worked my whole life
for that.
TREVOR
I looted them from the
Cumberland Farms.
ASHLEY
My whole life.
TREVOR
I mean, I didn’t really loot them. There
was nobody in the Cumberland Farms. I think Connie was supposed to be
working there, but she was probably like ‘Screw this, we’re all going to die’
and took off. So it’s not like I could give anybody money for them.
I mean, I could have left some money on the counter, but I only had a ten and I
felt weird about going behind the counter to make change, you know? So I
just kind of took them.
ASHLEY
What was my life for? Like, why? Why
did I even bother? I could have just spent my entire life having fun and
being a failure and it wouldn’t have made any difference. No offense.
TREVOR
None taken. Who
knew I was the smart one for not trying?
ASHLEY
All anybody ever teaches you is to plan for the
future. Plan ahead. And then there’s no ‘ahead,’ and you’re
like—Gee, thanks for all the training. I’m going to die a socially
awkward loser with a perfect transcript that is absolutely worthless.
Give me a pretzel.
TREVOR
What do you
think college would have been like?
ASHLEY
Oh, it probably would have just been four more years of
miserable, grueling work followed by grad school, which would have sucked, and
then some sort of soul-sucking suckfest of a job, which I’d hold down for forty
years until finally dying old and alone.
TREVOR
So having a comet hit the Earth and kill all of us may
actually be a better plan for you then?
ASHLEY
I—Yeah, maybe.
TREVOR
I wasn’t going to college.
ASHLEY
I thought you were going to Eastern North Dakota State?
TREVOR
There is no Eastern North Dakota State. I just told you that because I felt like an
idiot because you were going to Harvard and I wasn’t.
ASHLEY
Trevor, we’ve been best friends since we were five. You honestly think I care whether or not
you’re going to college?
TREVOR
It wasn’t so much about whether or not you cared. It was more about how much I cared. I…I mean, like, would you even date someone
who wasn’t going to college?
ASHLEY
Absolutely not. Are
you kidding me? What would we even—Oh my
God, no. Nooooo. No way.
(A beat.) But that doesn’t mean
other people wouldn’t.
TREVOR
Yeah, but I kind of wanted you…to.
(A beat.)
ASHLEY
Oh like you wanted—oh.
TREVOR
Yeah.
ASHLEY
For like…how long?
TREVOR
For like…we met when we were--?
ASHLEY
Five.
TREVOR
Five and a
half.
ASHLEY
You never—
TREVOR
I thought
there’d be more time.
(A
beat.)
And now
we’re going to die, so…
(Pause.)
Surprise.
ASHLEY
Why didn’t
you tell me?
TREVOR
Because you
don’t feel the same way.
ASHLEY
That’s not
true!
TREVOR
So you do
feel the same way?
ASHLEY
No! Of course not! But you couldn’t know that! What if I did feel the same way? Then all this time we’d be in love with each
other and neither one of us would have known!
And now we’d be looking death in the face and it would be tragic instead
of just kind of depressing.
TREVOR
…Well…I figured if you liked me, you’d tell me, because
you’re kind of more—
ASHLEY
What?
TREVOR
Louder than I am.
ASHLEY
NO, I’M NOT!
(A
beat. They laugh a little. And then—)
What do you like about me anyway?
TREVOR
I like that you’re crazy.
ASHLEY
You’re not supposed to like that somebody’s crazy.
TREVOR
I kinda think it’s how you know you like them. Like, because, everybody’s crazy? So it’s just a matter of like—Looking at one
person, seeing how they’re crazy, and being like—Yeah, you’re crazy like
me. We’re the same kind of crazy. This’ll work.
ASHLEY
You’re not nearly as crazy as I am.
TREVOR
Ashley, I took these pretzels out of a dead guy’s hand.
ASHLEY
You—what?
TREVOR
I mean, I didn’t kill him.
He was in the middle of the aisle in the Cumberland Farms face down, and
his arm was outstretched and he was holding this bag of pretzels. I guess he—I don’t know—grabbed for the
pretzels then had a heart attack, or something.
Maybe somebody hit him on the head.
I don’t know.
ASHLEY
Oh my God.
TREVOR
But he had the pretzels in his hand, and it was the last
bag, and I know you like pretzels, and I like pretzels, so I…took the bag.
ASHLEY
Was it…hard?
TREVOR
Well, he was really clutching them and rigor mortis, I
think, had set in, so it was a little—
ASHLEY
This is awful. No
more pretzels. I’m done. I’m done with the pretzels.
TREVOR
See? I’m way crazier
than you. I stole pretzels from a dead
guy. If this were Les Miz, Javert would,
like, chase me forever.
ASHLEY
I didn’t get into Harvard.
TREVOR
What?
ASHLEY
I didn’t get in. I
don’t know why. It’s probably because I
wasn’t President of an Equestrian Club or something stupid like that. I should have put myself up for adoption and
thrown myself in front of a Senator’s car.
I should have been born Latvian.
Latvians are really in right now.
Every college wants a Latvian.
TREVOR
Why did you lie to me?
ASHLEY
I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. You always talk about me like I’m this
perfect genius princess and I…I couldn’t tell you it wasn’t true. You mean too much to me to do that to you.
TREVOR
But then how were you going to keep me from finding out?
ASHLEY
I was either going to fake my own death or never speak to
you again.
(A beat.)
I don’t know. I didn’t
really think it through.
TREVOR
So where were you going to go?
ASHLEY
BC.
TREVOR
That’s great.
ASHLEY
Yeah, I would have been just close enough to Harvard to
stand outside the metaphorical glass and peer in at what my life would have
been.
TREVOR
Maybe I would have moved to Boston with you and, like,
hounded you until you realized that we belonged together.
ASHLEY
And maybe I would have been like ‘Why did you move
here? This is insane. What are you doing with your life? Get a job.’
TREVOR
And maybe I would have been like ‘Shut up. I love you.
Stop being a bitch. I’m going to
get a job at The Red Spot.’
ASHLEY
What’s The Red Spot?
TREVOR
It would have been this new restaurant that would have
opened up in Boston this Fall as soon as we got there.
ASHLEY
It sounds like a dump.
TREVOR
I would have proposed to you there.
ASHLEY
When was this going to happen?
TREVOR
After I chased you for, like, two years, and you got engaged
to some other guy who was really rich, but you left him at the altar because
you realized you didn’t really love him and it threw you into an identity
crisis so you went to Europe for the summer and came back all self-destructive
and so I had to man up and be mature and get you back on track, and then
eventually you fall in love with me because I’m being so sweet, but by that
point I’m dating this other girl who’s sort of cool but not like you, and then
she makes me choose between her and you and I choose you, and I ask you to meet
me at The Red Spot, and you show up, and there are candles everywhere, and,
like, sort of emo ballad music is playing—
ASHLEY
Ew, continue—
TREVOR
And I propose and I say—‘My whole life, I’ve been waiting to
become the man who was good enough to live out this moment.’
ASHLEY
That’s amazing.
TREVOR
Thanks.
ASHLEY
You just plotted out eight seasons of the worst CW show I
have ever heard in my entire life.
TREVOR
How do you think it would have happened?
ASHLEY
What? Us falling in
love after twelve years of friendship?
TREVOR
Yeah.
ASHLEY
How everybody falls in love.
I would have gone off to college, and then on Thanksgiving break, when I
was home, I’d realize that I really want to see you, and I’d go to your Mom’s
house, and you’d be in the basement, playing video games, and I’d drag you out
somewhere, to Chili’s or something, and we’d talk, and then we’d go somewhere,
like, I don’t know, the beach or something—
TREVOR
Wouldn’t it be cold?
ASHLEY
Shut up.
TREVOR
Sorry.
ASHLEY
And we’d sit and watch the ocean, and I’d look at you and
realize that I sort of think you’re…handsome.
And that I…maybe…have feelings for you beyond what I had previously
realized.
TREVOR
And then we’d make out?
ASHLEY
You’re disgusting. But yes.
TREVOR
Awesome.
ASHLEY
See?
My hypothetical situation is much better than yours.
TREVOR
And you’d be my girlfriend?
ASHLEY
Well, it would have to be a long distance relationship and I
don’t believe in those so—
TREVOR
I’d move to Boston and work at the Red Spot as a busboy and—
ASHLEY
THERE IS NO RED SPOT!
TREVOR
But there could be!
Isn’t that, like, the best thing about this? About all this ending? Like, we get to think about everything that
could have been, and even though it’s supposed to suck that nothing actually is
going to turn out in any way like anything—everything could have. So we can tell
ourselves anything. We can say that anything
could have happened and nobody can really tell us we’re wrong and we’re not
going to live long enough to figure out if we’re wrong either. It’s like—we can write our future the way
some people write the past because it’s all over anyway. Everything’s just possible.
ASHLEY
Yeah.
(Pause.)
Hey?
TREVOR
What?
ASHLEY
Do you want to be my boyfriend?
(Short
pause.)
Like, before we die?
TREVOR
Hypothetically or—
ASHLEY
No, seriously, really—right now. Do you want to?
TREVOR
Hell yeah.
ASHLEY
Great. Done
deal. We’re boyfriend and
girlfriend. You may hold my hand.
TREVOR
We’re not making out?
ASHLEY
Slow down, boy. They
think that comet could still be a day or so away. For now let’s just hang out and…talk.
TREVOR
Okay.
ASHLEY
Is that cool?
TREVOR
Yeah, totally cool.
ASHLEY
Great.
TREVOR
Yeah…yeah.
(He smiles
at her. He’s really happy.)
ASHLEY
You’re a goofball.
(They
laugh.)
My boyfriend is a goofball.
TREVOR
I’m a total goofball.
(Short pause.)
And you’re my girlfriend.
ASHLEY
And we may never make out.
TREVOR
But we could, right?
(A second.)
Maybe? It’s possible?
ASHLEY
Yeah.
(She smiles.)
It’s possible.
Lights
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