Pinterest Makes Me Feel Like a Bad Mother

I didn't realize I was a bad mother
Until Pinterest told me
That some Moms
Were making their own peanut butter

I was so proud of myself
Because I got a promotion at work
And so I started making better lunches for my kids
Using more organic foods
Feeling like I was really making a difference
In the nutritional lives
Of my small children

Then I went on Pinterest and found out
That there's a Mom in Tallahassee
Who grows peanuts in her yard
Right next to her grapevines
And every morning she goes outside
Picks the grapes
Stomps on the nuts
And then takes fresh-baked bread out of the oven
So she can smother it
In all her fresh-grown, fresh-picked materials

I assume this woman doesn't sleep
I assume none of the women on Pinterest sleep
I assume they are robots
Who don't work or clean or interact
With the outside world

I'm convinced the sole purpose of their existence
Is to make me feel less than adequate

No matter what I do
Pinterest makes me feel
Like a bad mother

If I make my daughter a beautiful princess costume
For Halloween
I find a picture of a mother from Columbus, Ohio
Who built her daughter a castle
Made out of papier-mâché

It had a working drawbridge
And a dungeon
Filled with edible trolls

When I help my daughter make a diorama
Out of 'The Mouse and the Motorcycle'
And I start to feel the smallest bit of pride
I go on Pinterest
And find out there's a mother from Seattle
Who actually taught a mouse how to ride a motorcycle
A motorcycle that she made out of recycled aluminum cans
And a mouse that she rescued from a animal-testing plant

When I pat myself on the back
For organizing a trip to the zoo
With my two girls
Pinterest informs me of a mother from Austin, Texas
Who took her children on a tour of the country
Over their summer vacation
Visiting each of the fifty states and their capitals
Including Alaska and Hawaii

To quote the mother from Austin:

'Why do something if you're not going to do it right?
That's my motherhood motto.'

I hate these woman

But it's deeper than hatred

I feel as if there's an actual mythic battle going on
Between them and I

I imagine myself in a toga
Like Hercules
Fighting them with swords
While they throw jars of organic mayonnaise at me
And say things like--

'Don't throw away that light bulb!  I can make it into a Christmas ornament!'

Even in my fantasies
I lose the battle

One day I was sitting at my computer
Looking at instructions on how to properly fold a fitted sheet
Because apparently the way I've been doing it--

--Throwing it in the back of the closet and hopping it folds itself--

--Is not the proper way

My little Abby came and sat on my lap
And she had me start clicking
On all the projects
And the presentations
And the arts and crafts

And I thought--

Great

Now my daughter's going to know how bad she has it
Now she's going to see how much all these other mothers do for their kids
And how I'm just barely getting by

When we finished clicking around
She said, 'Hey Mom, do these other moms really do all this stuff?'

I told her they do

'But then,' she said, 'How do they have any time to play with their kids?' 

Then she gave me a kiss on my cheek
And hopped off my lap

Pinterest may make me feel like a bad mother
But my daughters make me feel like a hero

'Besides,' my daughter said as she was leaving the room, 'That peanut butter looks gross.'