Maybe Because It's Christmas

I'm still addicted to screwing things up
I've kicked all the other habits
But that one hangs around

So I'm looking at my phone
Your number
That picture I have of you
Smirking
How does a smirk look so damn good on someone?

So I'm going to call you
And I don't know why
Maybe 'cause it's Christmas

Maybe because I'm an idiot
Maybe because the last time we talked--
Where we left it, I--

I'm not a good person
I mean, I sometimes do nice things, but overall--

Bad, so--

So I'm looking at my phone
Like it's a box I'm going to open
A box with either a snake in it
Or, you know, forgiveness

That's how you know forgiveness is so precious
Because you have to reach your hand in to grab it
Not knowing if you're going to get bitten instead

You have no idea where I am
But right now, I'm at a train station
One or two people next to me
Everybody going somewhere and me just--

Just wondering what's next

And I have this image in my head
Of you sitting in front of a tree
With people around you
Not like the people around me

Happy people
People with presents
And smiles
And godawful sweaters

And I'm outside looking in
While the snow comes down

Poor me, right?

Poor, poor me
 All alone on Christmas

...So I'm going to dial your number

And I'm going to get voicemail
Because you're at work
And I know that
And that's why I'm calling now
Instead of actually growing a set
And calling you when I know you'll answer

So I'm going to call you
And I'm going to wish you a Merry Christmas
And I am not going to ask for forgiveness
Because your voicemail can't forgive me
And even if it could, I'm not sure that's what this should be about

I feel like...

Like I should just say that if you're going to do something for me
What you should do is...

Have a wonderful Christmas
With all those people
In those awful sweaters

And just know that all I want this year
Is to know you're doing okay

I'm a bad person
But you, you're--

You're the star on the tree, you know?

Maybe this'll be the year I finally get my shit together
And make myself somebody worth forgiving

Maybe next year my phone'll ring
And it'll be you calling me
Saying 'Come home, you idiot.
I miss you.'

All kinds of weird shit could happen

That's what makes it Christmas, right?

Kids get presents
And adults get second chances

So I'm looking at my phone
Staring at that smirk
Thinking about Santa
And saying to myself--

Maybe you called out sick to work today
To get some last minute shopping done

And maybe the snake won't bite

And maybe this year
I can be the guy
Standing next to you
Under the tree

This Will Be Our Freshman Year

This will be our freshman year

When we go in the wrong classroom

And meet people for the first time

Delighted and frustrated

At how little we know

About everything

We will throw ourselves into mistakes

Wrap our arms around the necks of them

Kiss them on both cheeks

And declare ourselves to them

‘Why hello there!

We are the Freshman

We make Mistakes’

We look forward to trying things

Anything’s and everything’s

Traveling to places we shouldn’t go

Peering into places that are off-limits

Trying to jump the line

So we can see what it’s like

To be older, wiser, further along

Arriving late only to have someone say

Well that’s okay

You’re freshmen

We will carry too many books

Not knowing how to condense

How to organize and re-organize

Select, edit, delegate

Appoint, accommodate, balance

Juggle, jiggle, multi-task

We don’t want to though

We want it all

All the books

All the notebooks

The paper, the pencils

The journals we’ll never write it

The organizers we’ll never use

The calendars filled with boxes

With absolutely nothing in them

Surrounding us

Giant piles on our desks

With us wondering if this will keep out

Or scary away

The people who would pile on

Even more

Paper is a funny thing

On paper our lives look like one thing

And in reality they are—

Something else entirely

We will kiss anyone

Without regard

To whether or not

We should be kissing them

Descriptions and qualifiers

That should result in determinations

About who and who not to love

Will be cast aside

In favor of

--Spontaneity

After all

It’s just a kiss

This will be the year we act like people out of poetry

Out of song lyrics

Out of short stories written by people

Who were freshmen once

And would love to be freshmen again

We will not let this time slip by

We will not fail to be in our moments

Fully realized

Non-abbreviated

Stretching ourselves too thin

To cover and collect

All the things

We might forget

We will take on too much

We will attend every event

Every birthday, every just-for-the-heck-of-it gathering

And get-together

We will lose touch with no one

We will be the best friends

The best sons and daughters

The best students

The extra-curricular extraordinaires

The mold-breaking models

The perfect people

We will be perfect

We will high five and parade around

And flaunt and brandish and flourish

Showcase, display, broadcast, expose too much

Feel—too much

Cry at will

Lose all limits

Laugh at everything

Loud laughter

That shakes our entire bodies

And annoys everyone around us

Who look and say—

Ugh, freshmen

And then…

One night…

We will stay up too late

Flying by deadlines

Not committing

Not sure which way we’re going

Not trusting

The certainty we were so certain of

One or two of us will drop

Off

Out

Of sight

We’ll lose a few

Along the way

And remember—

Oh yes

This is, like other things,

A journey

And some simply will not

Make it

Four years from now

We will see ourselves differently

The people we are now

Being judged by

The people we will become

Why did I do that, say that, wear that

Talk that way, use that word, eat so much

Tell stupid jokes, stay up so late

Not

Get

Started

Sooner

Why was I friends with him, her, them

Those other people

Who were just like me

But that’s ahead of us

That’s not today

Today, you see

Is a starting day

We’ll keep the regret

Four years

At bay

Today I met you

And shook your hand

And felt good knowing

That this will be

Our freshman year

For even fourteen years past fourteen

You can start something

You can start out

You can begin

This is who I am now

Who knows who I’ll become?

When you’re younger you just want to know what’s going to happen

How it’s going to end

But when you’re older you want to know that it isn’t over yet

That you still have a chance

To start over

To begin again

And say—

Who knows?

This might be

My freshman year

Warrior

Why don't you have a seat, Jack?
This won't take long
Neither one of us has much to say
Do we?

You want a drink?
I can pour you a drink
Scotch and soda, right?

I know what you drink
God knows you haven't changed

Oh Jack...

I didn't know what I was going to say to you
When you came over here tonight
And then it came to me
All of a sudden

A story from when I was a kid
About a Great Warrior
And a Teacher

You up for a little story, Jack?

I promise it'll be quick
And it has a happy ending

So once upon a time
This Great Warrior
Decides he's getting too old to, you know
Be a warrior
And so he settles down somewhere
Somewhere in a clearing
You know, in the woods or something

And one day he's hanging clothes on a line
Because even warriors have to do laundry
And a boy comes stumbling out of the forest
Dirty, and wild-eyed
Looking like he's just been through Hell

The Warrior takes the Boy in
He lives alone, he's lonely, you know
And he cleans the boy up
Feeds him
And then decides that he'd like having a son
And so he tells the kid to stick around

The boy's only seven or eight
Not very old
So he doesn't have the words to describe
What happened to him in the forest
But the Great Warrior can tell
It's created something in him
Something that could prove useful later on

He starts training the boy
Not because he really wants to, but just--
For lack of anything better to do
Not much happens in a clearing in the woods
You know what I mean, Jack?

The boy picks up the training pretty quick
Pretty soon he can hold his own with the Great Warrior
One day, the boy even beats him
Throws his teacher down on the ground
And stands over him--smiling
Happy to have made his Teacher proud

And that's when the Warrior has to make a decision

Because, as I understand it
There are two ways a story like that can continue

The Boy can become the successor
--Or the rival of his master

Which means either he has to continue being encouraged
Nurtured, and trained

Or he has to be destroyed

You see, Jack, it's a question of legacy

We all have the power to teach someone
How to go further
Than we ourselves can go

We have the power to take what's in us
And give it to someone else
Thereby allowing them to overtake us

That is--if we want to

But you see, that requires embracing
Our own mortality

It means we have to accept
That one day we will be fogotten
And the one we have taught
Will be remembered
Until somebody overtakes them

Or...we stop them

Right in their tracks

And we die one day
Taking everything we know with us
Ensuring we will be remembered
As the last of a line
As someone who was special
Because they knew things
Nobody else knew

And yes, maybe it's selfish
But nobody thinks of it that way
Because deep down
We all understand selfishness
We all understand and respect
Self-preservation

So the Great Warrior is lying there on the ground
Looking up at the Boy who has the potential
To surpass him
And he has to decide
What comes next

Then it happens

He decides

But that's where the story ends, Jack

That's why it's a happy ending

Because you never have to hear
Whether he killed the kid
Or if the kid grew up and killed him instead

You never have to know
And that's nice, isn't it?

I mean, when you consider the alternative?

You sure you don't want that drink, Jack?

You look thirsty

Sitting there--you look parched

Well, if you don't want a drink
Then I guess there's no point in delaying it any longer

Why don't you get down on the ground
And I'll stand over you
And you can decide
What it is
You want to do

Who You Are in the Neighborhood

Look who decided to show up

Come back for a victory lap?

Don't bother

Nobody gave you a crown here

Nobody told you were somebody here

Who you are outside of here?  I don't give a fuck

I didn't say you were anything

Nobody here said you were anything

You remember that

You remember that before you come back saying you're this and that

That's somewhere else

And I don't care where it is--it's still not here

Here we got our own rules, our qualifications, things we need to see you do to figure out if you're worth something

See, success is local, okay?  Success is what the person next door to you thinks, not what some person halfway across the world thinks of you

You gotta earn your success here, first, before you go acting like you're hot shit

You gotta be somebody where you grew up, in your neighborhood
Because this is where it's tough
This is where it means something
This is where you get judged

People somewhere else think you're a genius?
You ain't no fucking genius
Not unless I say you're a genius
Because I've known you since you were at my knee
And that means I'll know you forever
Because people don't change all that much
Whether they want to or not

You left her a piece of shit
And you think that's changed?

Nothing's changed

Maybe I can't make people outside this neighborhood
See you for who you are
Because all they get is the piece of you
That you want them to have
And they say that's enough for them to say you're one thing or another
Which--hey, sorry, but that's fuckin' stupid in my book
But--hey--if that's good enough for them, whatever

But here--right here
I get to see all of you
Every bit
And that's why I'm not standing here with a smile on my face
Acting like I'm thrilled

So if you're looking for somebody to kiss your ass
You might need to buy some lipstick
And do it yourself
Because we got nothing for you here, okay?

Who you are in the neighborhood is some guy who couldn't hack it
That's all
That's it

Somebody who couldn't make it here
So he went off somewhere easier
And that's fine by me
But that just makes you a quitter
It don't make you smart

But hey, yeah, take a look around
See what you missed out on
Shake a few hands
Make yourself feel good

Just remember where you are
And what that makes you

Then get back in your car
And drive away, okay?

'Cause nobody here is impressed

A Mountain

Do not cry, my son
For what you see before you
Is nothing but a mountain

A pile of rocks
A bump
A lump
A lot of nothing

Oh yes, it is majestic in its way
But it is nothing to fear

For fear is something we reserve
For much darker days than this

You see your father
Suited up
For great adventure
And you fear
He will not return

But you see, a father never really leaves
And so when I am but out of sight
That missing man?
The one beyond your vision?

That is just one form of myself
It is not all of who I am

And so return or no
I am and will be forever
Your father

And what we have
That ties us
Is like a rope
That can go around this mountain
More times than you can count
And never strain or break

If you must know why I climb
It is because sometimes there are things
You cannot go around
Under, or through

Sometimes, my boy, one must climb

And if you fall
The gods will applaud you
For having tried
And they will catch you in their hands
Before you can feel yourself
Touch the ground

That is what I believe
That is my only religion

Love and luck to you, my son

And I shall see you
On the other side

Rain in Miami, Snow in New York

Nothing like a Christmas party in July, huh?

Don't you just love theme nights
At a dive bar?

Gives you something to live for, huh?

You like my Santa hat?

Ho ho ho

I talked myself into coming here
Now I'm trying to talk myself into going back home

Something about getting drunk with strangers
Seems healthier than getting drunk alone

If nothing else, at least I'll be social

I'll be...

There's a snowstorm in New York, you know

And here we are, safe in Miami
Paradise
Minus the rain

At least here you know it'll stop raining
When it's winter in New York
It feels like it's always going to be winter
And it starts to get to you

Winter would always set me back
For awhile, I thought I had seasonal depression
But it turns out I just don't like staying in for days at a time
Or seeing the daylight run out at four in the afternoon

I'd quit things, you know
Like smoking
And then--February would roll around
And I'd go right back to it

Same thing with drinking
Same thing with a lot of things
Men and...yeah...

...Yeah

Sometimes you feel like you've met every person in the world
You're ever gonna meet

And it makes you feel so alone
Like...
Like there's nothing left
That's going to surprise you
Except the bad stuff

You try to remember the last time you felt happy and...

I was in New York
And I said, 'Ugh, I gotta get out of here'

This place that I worked my whole life to get to
And suddenly I couldn't stand being there
For one more second

So--I get on a plane
And here I am
And the first day
It rained

Isn't that--

Well, see--because it was snowing
When I left New York

Flight got delayed three times
And then finally we just took off in the middle of it
Airlines decided to make a break for it, I guess
And everybody on the plane was freaking out
Except me--because I just wanted to get the hell out of there
And if I died trying, I really didn't care

Btu then I get here
And the weather is...

God, if you believed in omens
I would have just walked into the sea
Then and there

But I don't

--Believe in omens, or--

--Anything, really

Wherever you go, something's gonna remind you
That you can't go that far

Not as far as you need to, you know
To...

To, uh...Well.

Cheers, right?

Cheers to sucky weather
And big cities
And cheap liquor

Here's to hoping the sun comes out

Do you even remember the last good day you had?

Hard, isn't it?
Hard to remember

Well--Merry Christmas, right?

And here's to next year...

The King is Dead: A Comedy

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY are all sitting around a table in a tent on the battlefield looking at a map.  TAD bursts out, in full battle armor.  GEORGE and GEOFFREY jump up at the sight of him.)

GEORGE:  Well?

GEOFFREY:  How did it go?

TAD:  Uh...not well.

GEORGE:  What?

TAD:  Well, uh...the...King...

GEOFFREY:  Yes?

TAD:  Is dead.

GEORGE/GEOFFREY:  WHAT?/Our King?

TAD:  Yes.

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY slowly sink into their seats.)

GEORGE:  So it's over.  We've lost the war.

TAD:  Well...not quite.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?  The King is dead.

TAD:  Well, yes, the King is dead.  But we won the battle.

GEORGE:  With no King?

GEOFFREY:  How on Earth did you do that?

TAD:  We fought well?  We outnumbered them?  We were better equipped?

GEORGE:  Better equipped?

TAD:  Yes, it turns out they only had sticks and a couple of knives.

GEOFFREY:  Then how did the King die?

TAD:  Well, it was sort of funny really--

GEORGE:  Funny?

TAD:  Well not funny as in comedic, but funny as in--I can't believe we didn't realize this was going to happen.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?

TAD:  You see, the King was standing in front of the army, as is his custom--

GEORGE:  Yes.

TAD:  And he made a rousing speech.

GEOFFREY:  Of course.  He isn't known as John the Inspirational Speech Giver for nothing.

TAD:  But then when the battle began, he was still right in front of everybody--

GEORGE:  Yes?

TAD:  And so he was the first to die.

     (A beat.)

GEOFFREY:  The first?

TAD:  Well, among the first.  It's hard to say really.  So many of the people in front were killed, it's difficult to figure out who exactly died first, but he was definitely in the top ten.

GEORGE:  I don't understand.

TAD:  Well, apparently, if you're in front of an army that is rushing at another army, you're much more likely to die than say--somebody in the back of the army.

GEOFFREY:  Are you saying we should have put the king in the BACK of the army?

TAD:  Well, nobody in the back died--nobody even got bruised.  By the time the back got to the front, the battle was pretty much over, so...Yes, I think the king probably should have stayed in the back.

GEORGE:  Kings do not stay in the back, Tad.  A king rides in front.

TAD:  Yes, and, I get where you're coming from with that--symbolism and whatnot--but the fact of the matter is, the entire invading army saw our king in front, and before they did anything else, they all focused their attention on murdering him.

GEOFFREY:  Why would they do such a thing?

TAD:  I would imagine it's because killing a king can be a rather big blow to the overall morale of the army you're fighting.\

GEORGE:  I'll say.

TAD:  And it was--but nevertheless, we did win.  Again, they had sticks.

GEOFFREY:  If they had sticks, how did the king die?

TAD:  Well, they were very sharp sticks.

GEORGE:  Lord in Heaven!  Do you mean to tell me our monarch was assassinated by a SHARP STICK?

TAD:  Well, more than one.  As I said, the entire opposition was focused strictly on the King for the first three minutes of the battle.  There's barely anything left of him.

GEOFFREY:  I can't bear to hear anymore.

TAD:  I managed to save one of his fingers, but aside from that--

GEORGE:  How could this have happened?  Normally the king flies right through the opposing army, taking down his foes one-by-one until the battle is finished!

TAD:  Does he?

GEORGE:  Well, he's SUPPOSED to!  This was his first battle, but--

TAD:  I think that might have been expecting too much.  Practically flinging someone at their enemies and then expecting them to not only survive but vanquish hundreds of men on top of it--I mean, the odds just aren't with you in a situation like that.

GEOFFREY:  Now what do we do?  We may have won the war, but we don't have a king!

GEORGE:  The prince will become the king.

TAD:  Uh...

     (GEORGE and GEOFFREY look at TAD.)

TAD:  ...Probably not.

GEORGE:  Why not?

TAD:  He's dead too.

GEOFFREY:  The king AND the prince?

TAD:  He was up front!  We really have to stop putting all the important people up front!

GEOFFREY:  Good heavens!

TAD:  I mean, can't we save ONE guy for the back?  The Duke of--something or other?

GEORGE:  So who's the king now?

TAD:  Well, technically, I was his second cousin.

GEOFFREY:  You?

TAD:  I know, you wouldn't think that would mean much in terms of the lines of succession, but since I was twelve rows back--

GEORGE:  So you're our new king?

TAD:  It appears so.

GEOFFREY:  Then you must avenge the death of the former king!

     (A beat.)

TAD:  I think I'll wait on that.

GEORGE:  But your majesty--

TAD:  George, sometimes it's a better idea to hang back, and see how things turn out.

     (He smiles.)

Tough Crowd

I drove here from Jersey

Jersey, I'm not kidding

All the way here

All the way to--

Where are we anyway?

God, I don't...

I'm tired

I'm not very funny when I'm tired

So...sorry for that

But I'm not going to lie to you

I'm not going to promise you something

I can't deliver on

Doesn't seem...

Just wouldn't be...uh...

At, uh, what age do you think you're too old

To go around

Wearing a white t-shirt

And jeans, and sneakers

And act like, you know, that's fine

That--That that's okay?

I wish somebody would tell me

When I'm too old

You know...like now?

I'm looking forward to things

Not now, not being here now

Sorry--I said sorry, right?

I'm looking forward to something that's going to happen later

And that's, you know, the story of my life

The thing that's going on an hour from now

A day from now, a month--

That's what interests me

On the way here I was really looking forward to being here

And now I'm here

And I need to be somewhere else

After this, when I'm done, I mean

You'll all--Well, I doubt you'll clap, but...

I'll go back to my room

Or to a diner

Have something to eat

Maybe catch a late movie

But, eventually, you know, the room

The quiet hotel room

Motel, sorry, motel

I can't--it's motels

Which is fine

It's not like I need the Four Seasons

And I'll get there

To my room

The place that--right now

I want to be at more than...anything

And I'll sit on my bed

And think about how this went

Right now

Whether or not I was...funny

I'll sit there

And beat myself up

Oh well, you know

Oh well

Next time, I'll say

Next time

Always next time

And I'm looking forward to it

To next time, I mean

I really think

It's going to be...

...Something

Whistle

You just whistle
And he'll come over
Ask you what you want

You know what you want?

Ha--I bet you do

Don't stutter though
Just say it plain
Stuttering makes them think
You're a narc
And we don't need that shit
Not today
Not any day
You got it?

How's your sister doing?

She ask about me?

Fuckin' bitch

No offense

Not like you got anything to do with it

You doing good in school?

High school's rough, I remember
That's why I only stayed there two years

I was sitting in a classroom one day
And a bullet came through the window
Got my friend Chris right in the shoulder

I said, You know what?
If I can get shot in here
I might as well get shot out on the street instead

The last thing I want to see before I die
Is some fucking chalkboard
With numbers on it

Why do you look so nervous?

You get that tic just like your sister

That's how I knew she was cheating

You know she was cheating on me, right?

She tell you that?

'Course she didn't

Fuckin' bitch

No offense

You want to get into this
You have to learn to stay still
Kids your age, these days
It's like learning how to set things on fire
Using only your mind

So jumpy

You jump, somebody's going to get the wrong idea
Just stay still
Whistle
I'll do the first one for you
Guy knows you're new at this anyway
He's giving you something special
I asked him to
Since we go back

You make sure you know the people you're dealing with
Otherwise you could get some shit that'll kill you

This is my guy
Now he's your guy
You understand?
Stick to him
Stick to me
You'll be fine

Just don't tell your sister we did this, all right?

I don't need her calling me up about it

This'll just be between you and me, okay?

You know, doing this shit isn't what makes you a man

Keeping a secret?

That's what does it

That's what grows you up

You Might Not Be a Dentist

Krorg, before we begin
I just have to ask
Do you have any actual experience
As a dentist?

Well, yes, you did a nice job
Extracting that mammoth's tooth
But the mammoth was already dead at the time

So there's really no way to know
If he suffered
While you were stabbing him in the gums
With your sharpened stick

Also, my mouth is much smaller than that mammoth's
So stabbing me in the gums
Using the same sharp stick you used on him--

--An axe, I might add, that hasn't been cleaned
Since it was used on the mammoth--

--Well, it seems sort of...illogical

Now, Krorg, don't pout
Of course I'm very grateful to you
For offering to help me
With my tooth

But it seems to me that, and I know you're touchy about this, so I didn't want to--

Well, the thing is, Krorg

You might not be a dentist

Now, we only invented the word 'dentist'
A few weeks ago
After you got the tooth out of the mammoth
But since then
You've attempted to pull teeth out of several people
And they've all wound up with holes in their faces
And rather serious infections

Blepp probably would have died from his
If he hadn't been eaten by Little Hands

Yes, it was funny...

(Imitates a tyrannosaurus eating a man, then laughs and laughs.)

...But the point is, I'm not entirely comfortable letting you near my mouth

I know you have a passion for this, Krorg
But passion doesn't necessarily make you good at something

Remember when Scrumph wanted to be the Main Storyteller in the tribe
But she was really terrible at it
But she was Sploog's daughter
So we had to let her be Main Storyteller
Because Sploog donated all the Sabretooth blood
To have the cave repainted?

Scrumph loooooved being storyteller
But it just wasn't a good....fit....for her

Just like this might not be a good fit for you
And, whereas bad storytelling really only hurts the soul,
Bad dentistry can do far more damage

We're a civilized tribe now, Krorg
No more wars, no more unjustified murder
We've started eating kale
It's time to adopt more practical, uh, practices
When it comes to this sort of thing

So if it's all right with you
I'm going to let the tribal doctor
Take care of my tooth
And--once you get more training...on other people...

...Dead people...

We can talk about making you an official dentist

All right?

Krorg, I knew you'd understand
And so did Dr. Foosh

He's already got a plan for how to get my tooth out
Apparently it's very easy

You just drill a hole through the back of the person's skull
And pull the tooth out that way

Quick and painless
As long as the patient's head is covered in swamp mud
And bird droppings

You see, Krorg?

That's why we leave these things to the professionals

It Won't Look Like This Tomorrow

Here we are, East Tower
Don't mind the screams of the prisoners, son
Pretend they're songbirds
With beautiful voices

And that when they curse me and you to Hell
They're really just saying 'My, what a lovely day it is'
In they're sing-song-y bird voice

I wanted to bring you up here
Because you get the best view of the kingdom
Up here in the East Tower

Tomorrow, we go into battle, my son
And so everything laid out in front of you
Will be irreparably changed
One way or another
Win or lose

Especially if we lose

The invading army has been known to burn down
The kingdom of their enemies
If they lose in battle

And they dress up the men they defeat
In the silliest costumes

It's not what I wanted for you, son

To inherit a burnt down kingdom
While dressed as a bar wench

What a nice little kingdom

It may not be as grand as some of the others
But where else can you get shephard's pie
In a sugar-crusted cone?

I like to think that I've been a benevolent King
Kind, jolly, very slow to imprison the mentally ill
Even though I believe they've been touched by the Devil

I thought I had carved out my place in the record books
But since the record books are in the library
And since we made the mistake of building the library
In front of the gates to the kingdom
Instead of behind them
As almost nearly every one of our architects suggested
Before I had them jailed
The building and the records will most likely be the first thing
The Invaders destroy

I suppose building it with straw isn't going to help matters either

Hindsight, my son
Is a bitter whore
With an infected eardrum

Speaking of which--did you like your fourteenth birthday present?

It's customary to wait until a boy turns fifteen
Before you give him his first whore
But since you may not make it to fifteen
I figured why not

Perhaps we'll win tomorrow's war

Even though I sold off the army's weapons
So I could build that statue of myself
Riding naked upon a unicorn

We are, after all, a god-fearing people
And God protects those
Who build shrines to themselves

At least, that's how I interpret scripture

It's difficult to read Latin
When all the monks starved to death
During the famine

But if we do win, I shall not be the same man
And you shall not be the same boy

I would hope that we'd still be related
But who can say?

The world looks different
When it's been kissed by the lips of war

By the way, you didn't kiss the whore, did you?
If you kiss them
The Lord makes you sit in Purgatory
For an extra year before you can enter Heaven

Come here, son
And gaze at all before you

The statue of me
The buildings dedicated to me
The many, many children
Whom I probably sired
During my dalliances with the peasant women

Take it all in, my lad

For most certainly
It won't look like this tomorrow

Angels with Other Ideas

I promised the kids milkshakes
But that was before
It started to rain

Now they're sitting in the car
Lucky for me
They like the windshield wipers
They're funny kids

I guess all kids are...

But mine are...

Finally found a pay phone
Only took me driving all over the state

But the kids behaved
Even when I had to get gas twice
All because of the milkshakes
Isn't that something?

...I heard your song on the radio the other day...

I stopped
I pulled over
So I could listen

I love that song

I combed my hair today
The way you like it
I even put on lipstick
Even though I was just going to work

I sat there at the restaurant
With my uniform on
And it was like...I couldn't focus on anything

So I said I was sick
And I left early

Picked the kids up at my Mom's
And then...

Just drove around, you know?

I wanted to call you
I always want to call you
But sometimes, you know
It's hard to get away

Two kids
Always next to you
Always looking at you
Wondering what you're doing
Asking when their Dad's coming home
And he's...

God, he's at that autoshop night and day

And what can I tell the kids?
That he can stay there
Because I don't want him home anyway?

I gave up smoking
...For about five seconds
Then I started again

Smoking out of my bathroom window
With the door closed
And the shower running
So my kids won't know

I don't mind it
Makes me feel like a teenager

Takes a lot to make me feel that way lately

Your music helps though
It does

...It does a lot, you know, it...

Well, this call's gonna run out
And I gotta get the kids their milkshakes so...

You know, maybe sometime
When they're older
All they'll remember about today is that
They rode around with their mom
And got milkshakes
And they won't even know, you know
How upset I am
How...

How frustrated that I...

It's going to be two different things

What it was
And what they remember

They're lucky, aren't they?

That they're never going to know

There's a lotta things
I'd like to not know

Well...

Maybe I'll hear from you soon, huh?

Wouldn't mind
Hearing the phone ring
On my end for a change

You know

If you get the chance

A Visitor from Pittsburgh

He drinks bottled water
I've never seen anything like it

I mean, I don't begrudge him
His little...quirks

But Jesus, God
Who asks for bottle water
At someone else's house?

I would never, I just...

God, I'd be mortified

Bottled water?

Ha!

But he's from Pittsburgh

Now, I don't know anything about Pittsburgh
But I know it's not exactly the epicenter of etiquette

I try to help
I try to...steer him towards some sense of...
Decorum?  But--

No use, no luck

What will be will be

I even left a few of my columns on the dresser
In the guest room
Hoping he'd see them
But no, or if he does--
He doesn't read them
Or if he reads them
He just doesn't care

He's a brute, really
If you want the truth
A strange sort of brute though
One who drinks bottled water

He does his hair properly
He wears nice clothes
His nails are trimmed
But there's something about him, that's just...

Ha!

Listen to me...

He's an old friend of George's
Just...an old college buddy

I expected some frat boy to show up
Dirt on his collar
Mud on his shoes
Cursing and drinking
And overall rough-housing

But no...

Odd, yes
Cold, very
Even rude sometimes
And all these...quirks

But studious and neat and, uh...
Not what I expected
At all

...I'm really not sure how things are in Pittsburgh
But if our visitor is any indication then...

It would seem that the men there are...

Very...unique

I want to write an article about it
But George says it would be impolite
And he's correct
For once, he's accurate in pointing out
That something is...not appropriate

Of course, he's also the one
Who told me we'd be having a visitor
A mere six hours before the visitor showed up

That's George for you
More considerate of a friend he hasn't seen in years
Than he is of...

So I wrote a column about wedding invitations instead
How to respond to one
How to decline without offending anyone
How to say that you're going alone
When the person sending you the invitation
Thought they'd be seeing two of you
You and your better half

Oh well, he's sick
Oh well, he's tired
Oh well, he's been working so much

I had quite a lot to say on the subject

George, uh...

Well, enough about George

...Hm...

No, I, uh...Well...

The other day, when George and our visitor left to go play pool
--So early in the day for pool, but--
I went into the guest room, and...
The bed was undone
The maid hadn't gotten around to it yet
She was still down in the kitchen
Cleaning up from breakfast
And, I, uh...

I got in bed
The empty bed
Oh, I love that bed in the guest room
So many blankets
It covers you right up
So, it wasn't very strange of me to do, but...

The smell of him

Of our visitor

Was there

It was...pungent, really

Very strong

Cologne, and...something else, something...

I laid there and I thought...

What if I went downstairs
Sent the maid home
Then came back to the bedroom
Got into bed, and...waited...

For George, and...the vistor

Waited for them to come home
And find me there
In bed
All covered up

What would happen next, I wondered
What would be the next thing?

What do three people do in that sort of a...situation?

I couldn't...

I couldn't solve it, that idea, that problem
Of, uh, circumstance--in my mind

So I just laid there
Thinking about getting up
And thinking about not getting up
And not doing either

But just trying to imagine
What it is
I should do next

Something to Say for Yourself

You know, the problem is
Nobody says--

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

You know, that--

That used to be an expression?

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

You know, I see all that's going on in the world
And I think you can trace all of it
Everything that's happening
Back to the fact
That nobody says--

'What do you have to say for yourself?'

The, uh--I mean, pardon my, uh--
But--The shit people get away with these days

Lying, and--

No, see--getting away with is--

The wrong, uh--way to put it, because--

Nobody's getting away with anything

We have reached a point in, uh, civilization where--

We're really good
At catching people
Doing--whatever it is
They shouldn't be doing
And yet--nobody's
Actually
Getting in trouble
For anything

You know, we--catch somebody
Lying
Cheating
Stealing

And--that's it

They apologize
Or they deny it
And we all--move on

Nobody loses their job
Nobody goes to jail
Nobody even seems embarrassed
Nobody
Seems to have the decency
To even...feel
Embarrassed
About anything

Hell, they...go on the news
And announce what they've done wrong
And then announce that they'll be running for office
Starting next week
But--

You know, it's not just politicians
We like to think that
That they're the problem
But, you know, politicians don't elect themselves

And--

Uh...

Well...

I'm only...

I know you're mad that you're sitting here
Grounded
Nobody grounds their kids anymore
Hell, my parents didn't even ground me
To be totally upfront with you, but...

I believe this is important

Not you sitting here
This is just...
The best I could do
In terms of punishment

I could always just slap you upside the head
And be done with it
But if your head is as thick as mine
When I was your age
I doubt it'll do much good

I want you to reflect
I want you to feel bad
I want you to...

And ultimately it might be pointless
Because I believe that a conscience is something
That only kicks in
After your parents have done a good job raising you
So this might all be for nothing
If I...started too late, or...

...You know, when you came to me

And told me what you did
I...

It's ridiculous, but...

You'll understand this
When you have children

There's a certain pride that comes
From having your child
Confess to you

It means that seed of a conscience is there
That it's...present
That you're on the right track

So even though, I sent you to your room
And even though I don't condone what you did
And even though I'm currently thinking up a suitable punishment
In addition to all this--uh, room-sitting
Because, let's face it, it's a really nice room
This isn't all that much of a punishment

Which means you might have to, I don't know
Rake something or mow something
Or...something uncomfortably charitable

But the point--there is a point, the point is...

You did the right thing

You came to me
And you said 'I did something wrong
And I'm sorry'

You had something to say for yourself
Which is...
A lot more than a lot of people have these days

And, you know, one day
I...won't be there
To...confess to
So that when you do something wrong
You're going to have to sit in a room
By yourself
A room just like this one
And think
About what you did
And what you're going to have to say
About what you did

And that's going to have to be enough

I always want you
To have something to say
For who you are
For what you've done
And for what you stand for

So...you might be mad at me now
And that's okay

But I want you to know that
Every time I make you sit in this room
By yourself

I'm sitting right outside that door
In case you need me, or...

Just waiting

Waiting until you're ready
To come out

So I can hear
What you have to say

Beautiful Houses in Bad Neighborhoods

Spent all your money, didn't you?

On a beautiful house
In a bad neighborhood

So what--you could be King of the Pond?

Should have bought a pond
You bought everything else

A pool, a deck, a shed
What--you thought I wasn't going to say anything
You been gone too long
You forgot too much

Damn...

You know I like this

Drinking a beer
On your porch

You got a porch now

We never had porches
Where we grew up
Nobody did

Remember when your cousin
Got the apartment that had the patio
And we teased her for a month
Because we thought she was going to be a snob about it?

A snob about a patio
And now look

A porch

You could even barbecue if you wanted to

What's next, huh?

A hot tub?
A popcorn machine?
An ice skating rink?
I mean, where does it end, huh?

No, it's cool
I mean--

...I'm happy for you

I am and I'm not, you know

But I am
There's a part of me that...
I am, and the other part...

Well, you can't have everything, right?

We're still drinking cheap wine out of red cups
So I guess you didn't move too far
From the Target, huh?

I knew eventually you'd be on your way somewhere

All of us at parties
Dancing, acting stupid
And you'd be the one in the corner
Keeping to yourself
Making plans
Thinking everything over

Watching us
Probably thinking of how much better
You were going to be

My mom used to say
Keep an eye on that one
The ones who sit by themselves
They end up making millions

And now here you are

Sitting on a porch

Hey, at least I got an invite, right?

Not like I had to go far

Listen, I don't want to tell you what's what
Because clearly you're doing better than me, but--

I mean, this place is nice and all
But it's still not far from where you took off from
You know what I mean?

A pretty house
Surrounded by--

Ha...it's like the flower in the weeds, you know?

So what I'm saying is--

Don't settle for this, okay?

It's all right for grillin' burgers
And havin' your friends over
Drinking or whatever
But just...

Don't stop here

You got a lot more in you than this

You got a penthouse in you, if you want it
A mansion even

This is just the pond, all right?
The lake, the puddle
The pool

And it's nice, but--

Keep going

You got me?

Don't stop until you turn around
And you can't even see the shit
You left behind you

Then you'll know you're somebody

When you can't see me
At all