The King is Dead: A Comedy

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY are all sitting around a table in a tent on the battlefield looking at a map.  TAD bursts out, in full battle armor.  GEORGE and GEOFFREY jump up at the sight of him.)

GEORGE:  Well?

GEOFFREY:  How did it go?

TAD:  Uh...not well.

GEORGE:  What?

TAD:  Well, uh...the...King...

GEOFFREY:  Yes?

TAD:  Is dead.

GEORGE/GEOFFREY:  WHAT?/Our King?

TAD:  Yes.

          (GEORGE and GEOFFREY slowly sink into their seats.)

GEORGE:  So it's over.  We've lost the war.

TAD:  Well...not quite.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?  The King is dead.

TAD:  Well, yes, the King is dead.  But we won the battle.

GEORGE:  With no King?

GEOFFREY:  How on Earth did you do that?

TAD:  We fought well?  We outnumbered them?  We were better equipped?

GEORGE:  Better equipped?

TAD:  Yes, it turns out they only had sticks and a couple of knives.

GEOFFREY:  Then how did the King die?

TAD:  Well, it was sort of funny really--

GEORGE:  Funny?

TAD:  Well not funny as in comedic, but funny as in--I can't believe we didn't realize this was going to happen.

GEOFFREY:  What are you talking about?

TAD:  You see, the King was standing in front of the army, as is his custom--

GEORGE:  Yes.

TAD:  And he made a rousing speech.

GEOFFREY:  Of course.  He isn't known as John the Inspirational Speech Giver for nothing.

TAD:  But then when the battle began, he was still right in front of everybody--

GEORGE:  Yes?

TAD:  And so he was the first to die.

     (A beat.)

GEOFFREY:  The first?

TAD:  Well, among the first.  It's hard to say really.  So many of the people in front were killed, it's difficult to figure out who exactly died first, but he was definitely in the top ten.

GEORGE:  I don't understand.

TAD:  Well, apparently, if you're in front of an army that is rushing at another army, you're much more likely to die than say--somebody in the back of the army.

GEOFFREY:  Are you saying we should have put the king in the BACK of the army?

TAD:  Well, nobody in the back died--nobody even got bruised.  By the time the back got to the front, the battle was pretty much over, so...Yes, I think the king probably should have stayed in the back.

GEORGE:  Kings do not stay in the back, Tad.  A king rides in front.

TAD:  Yes, and, I get where you're coming from with that--symbolism and whatnot--but the fact of the matter is, the entire invading army saw our king in front, and before they did anything else, they all focused their attention on murdering him.

GEOFFREY:  Why would they do such a thing?

TAD:  I would imagine it's because killing a king can be a rather big blow to the overall morale of the army you're fighting.\

GEORGE:  I'll say.

TAD:  And it was--but nevertheless, we did win.  Again, they had sticks.

GEOFFREY:  If they had sticks, how did the king die?

TAD:  Well, they were very sharp sticks.

GEORGE:  Lord in Heaven!  Do you mean to tell me our monarch was assassinated by a SHARP STICK?

TAD:  Well, more than one.  As I said, the entire opposition was focused strictly on the King for the first three minutes of the battle.  There's barely anything left of him.

GEOFFREY:  I can't bear to hear anymore.

TAD:  I managed to save one of his fingers, but aside from that--

GEORGE:  How could this have happened?  Normally the king flies right through the opposing army, taking down his foes one-by-one until the battle is finished!

TAD:  Does he?

GEORGE:  Well, he's SUPPOSED to!  This was his first battle, but--

TAD:  I think that might have been expecting too much.  Practically flinging someone at their enemies and then expecting them to not only survive but vanquish hundreds of men on top of it--I mean, the odds just aren't with you in a situation like that.

GEOFFREY:  Now what do we do?  We may have won the war, but we don't have a king!

GEORGE:  The prince will become the king.

TAD:  Uh...

     (GEORGE and GEOFFREY look at TAD.)

TAD:  ...Probably not.

GEORGE:  Why not?

TAD:  He's dead too.

GEOFFREY:  The king AND the prince?

TAD:  He was up front!  We really have to stop putting all the important people up front!

GEOFFREY:  Good heavens!

TAD:  I mean, can't we save ONE guy for the back?  The Duke of--something or other?

GEORGE:  So who's the king now?

TAD:  Well, technically, I was his second cousin.

GEOFFREY:  You?

TAD:  I know, you wouldn't think that would mean much in terms of the lines of succession, but since I was twelve rows back--

GEORGE:  So you're our new king?

TAD:  It appears so.

GEOFFREY:  Then you must avenge the death of the former king!

     (A beat.)

TAD:  I think I'll wait on that.

GEORGE:  But your majesty--

TAD:  George, sometimes it's a better idea to hang back, and see how things turn out.

     (He smiles.)