I'll Never Break Your Heart

Okay, well, just so you know
My wife has never heard this story
So, I could potentially get into trouble
For telling it to you

Just please appreciate
The predicament you're putting me in

It was September, 1998
And I had a crush
On my best friend's sister
Who was two years older than me

And, of course, she wasn't having any of it

I was younger
I was dorkier
She liked bad boys
I was on Math League
It was...not gonna happen

But I made it pretty clear to her that I'd LIKE it to happen
And she just, as nicely as possible, shot me down over and over again
It should have been humiliating and it was, but--

Remember when you were young
And you could be totally mortified about something you did
And then get over it a day later
And do the exact same thing again?

Or was that just me?

Okay, so--one night
My parents are going out
And even though I'm fourteen
My parents don't want me staying in the house by myself
So they say they're getting me a babysitter

...And guess who they got?

Oh yeah, I was--I begged them

I said, 'Just take me with you to the Elk's Lodge, or wherever
I'd rather do that then let the love of my life
BABY-SIT me'

But, there was no getting around it
My buddy's sister was the only teenage girl in the neighborhood
So that's who was watching me

I called him, my friend, just before she came over
He was totally for us getting together
Because that way we'd be sort of related

'You have the whole to win her over,' he said
'Just tell her you like the same things she likes'

'What does she like?'
'Um, boys.  She really likes boys.'


It wasn't exactly a secret weapon

She came over
We ordered pizza
We watched some movie
I'm sure it was scary
I'm no idiot
I know if you like a girl
And she's over your house
You put on a scary movie
You turn down the lights
And you hope for the best

Of course, she was the perfect gentleman
And I was a horny teenage boy

I sat next to her on the couch
And she moved to the other side

When the movie was over
I asked her if she wanted to go for a late night stroll
I used that term 'late night stroll'
I was a very weird young man
And she, very nicely, said no thanks

So...we talked

We just talked

I left the tv on
MTV, to be exact
And--and this is the part the younger people in the crowd may not believe?

A video came on

A music video

It was 'I'll Never Break Your Heart'
The Backstreet Boys

And something...changed in that girl

As soon as AJ took off his glasses
She was--cuddling up to me on the couch
Giggling at my stupid jokes
Actually...touching me

Nowhere bad, just...

We made out

We made out and it was...

You know, you get older
And you start reminiscing about the bands you liked
When you were younger
And guys my age, we say--

I don't know--Limp Bizkit or Marilyn Manson or someone either hardcore or really weird, but--

I don't even try to pretend I'm cool

It didn't work for me back then
It doesn't work for me now
And even though that was the one
And only time
I ever made out with that girl

--My parents came home, my dad drove her home, and...that was it, honestly--if my wife asks you?  Honestly--

But--despite how many cool points I lose when I say it

The Backstreet Boys
'I'll Never Break Your Heart'

That's the one

That's the one that'll always be...

(Taps heart.)

Right there